Narcissists can be charming and captivating at first, but underneath that charismatic mask often lies a person deeply invested in maintaining control. One of their weapons is making you feel small, insecure, and less than. By recognizing some of the nasty tactics they use, you can pick up on them more quickly, and importantly, start protecting yourself.
1. They constantly criticize you, often nitpicking tiny, insignificant things.
It’s never about constructive feedback with a narcissist. They gnaw away at your confidence by zeroing in on minor mistakes, exaggerating flaws, or criticizing things that no one else would care about. This constant negativity is designed to make you second-guess yourself and keep you on the defensive.
2. They dismiss or invalidate your feelings.
Whether you’re upset about how they treated you, worried about a problem, or excited about something good, they find a way to make it about them. Your feelings are minimized, dismissed as oversensitivity, or you’re told you’re wrong to feel the way you do. The goal is to make you doubt your own emotional reality, explains licensed social worker Jean Huber, LCSW.
3. They gaslight you.
This one is insidious. They’ll deny saying something they said, twist events around to blame you, or insist you’re misremembering things entirely. They’re messing with your perception of reality, leaving you questioning your sanity and ultimately making you more dependent on them.
4. They compare you to other people, and definitely not in a good way.
“My ex was so much better at this…” or “Why can’t you be more like [some seemingly perfect person]?” are classic lines. These comparisons are designed to make you feel like you’re never going to be good enough. They want you striving for their approval but with the bar set impossibly high.
5. They give backhanded compliments.
On the surface, it seems nice, but there’s always that sting. “You look great for your age,” or “That’s impressive, for someone with your background.” These little digs put you down ever so subtly, disguised as a compliment, making it hard to even object without looking overly sensitive.
6. They use your insecurities against you.
Narcissists pay attention. They notice what you’re self-conscious about, whether it’s your appearance, intelligence, or past failures. They then find ways to weaponize those insecurities, hitting you where it hurts most. This cruelty is meant to break down your self-esteem.
7. They alternate between hot and cold – affection one moment, icy disdain the next.
This push/pull dynamic keeps you off-balance. Just when you start to feel safe, they withdraw or become critical. They dole out just enough affection to keep you hooked, addicted to those good moments and desperate for that approval you only get occasionally.
8. They isolate you from friends and family.
Narcissists want to be the center of your world. They may subtly sow seeds of doubt about your loved ones, drive wedges between you, or create drama that makes you withdraw from them. The less support you have, the more dependent you become.
9. They claim to be the victim, even when they’re clearly in the wrong.
Narcissists rarely take ownership or apologize sincerely. Instead, they twist things around, playing the victim to deflect blame and manipulate you into feeling sorry for them even when they’ve hurt you. This undermines your sense of justice and trains you to accept their unacceptable behavior.
10. They’re always right, even when they’re very, very wrong.
A narcissist’s fragile ego can’t handle being less-than. They’ll argue endlessly, bringing up past incidents or unrelated issues, rather than admit a mistake. Disagreeing, even respectfully, can escalate into a full-blown attack meant to wear you down until you give in.
11. They make you feel like you owe them.
Narcissists keep score, but only of the things they do for you, Choosing Therapy notes. Every kindness, big or small, is held over your head. This creates a sense of obligation, making it hard to say no or prioritize your own needs. They want you to feel like you’re constantly indebted to them, making it easy to justify their demands.
12. They’re master manipulators, often making you apologize for things you didn’t do.
By the time a narcissist is through gaslighting, deflecting blame, and turning your words on you, you might actually start apologizing for things you didn’t do. They’re so skilled at manipulation, this guilt-tripping can make you believe you must be in the wrong, even when your instincts say otherwise.
13. They subtly (or not so subtly) sabotage your success.
They can’t deal with you outshining them. They might “forget” to tell you something important, undermine you in professional settings, or encourage self-destructive habits to sabotage your efforts. Their fragile ego needs to feel superior, and your success is a threat.
14. They make everything a competition.
A simple anecdote you share becomes a story they have to one-up. Your good news is met with them sharing something even better about themselves. They can’t genuinely celebrate you because they see everything as a competition for validation.
15. They project their own bad behaviors onto you.
If they’re lying, they’ll accuse you of being deceitful. If they’re cheating, they’ll be paranoid about you doing the same. Projection is a defense mechanism that helps them avoid facing their own flaws. It’s also maddeningly confusing when you’re accused of things you’d never actually do.
16. They’re deeply envious of you and others.
Underneath it all, narcissists often harbor intense envy. They crave the qualities they lack – empathy, genuine self-esteem, or the ability to connect with others. Seeing those things in you triggers resentment, so they try to diminish those qualities through criticism and belittling.
17. They rarely reciprocate kindness or support.
Narcissists thrive on receiving, not giving. They expect to be adored, praised, and cared for, but don’t feel the need to show up in the same way for you. This one-sidedness is a reflection of their belief that their needs are inherently more important than yours.
18. They shatter boundaries, ignoring your requests or intentionally doing things they know will hurt you.
Healthy people respect boundaries. Narcissists see them as challenges. They push to see what they can get away with, ignoring your “no” or gleefully doing something they know will upset you. It’s about asserting control and breaking down your sense of autonomy.
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