Ideally, parents want to be a safe haven for their kids, even well into adulthood. But if your adult children don’t feel comfortable confiding in you, it’s important to look inward and try to understand why. This isn’t about blaming yourself, but a chance to self-reflect and start encouraging a more open and trusting dynamic.
1. They fear your judgment or disapproval.
Even adults worry about disappointing their parents. If they’ve felt judged in the past for their choices, mistakes, or simply opinions that differ from your own, they might hesitate to confide in you. They fear they won’t receive unconditional love and acceptance, making it safer to keep their struggles and true selves hidden.
2. You tend to jump into fixing things rather than just listening.
Sometimes, people just need to vent or talk through their problems without needing a solution. If your first instinct is to offer advice, interrupt with your own similar experiences, or immediately try to fix things, they may feel dismissed. They need to feel heard and understood before any constructive advice will even be considered.
3. You minimize their problems or struggles.
Saying things like “it’s not that bad,” “you’ll get over it,”or comparing their struggles to other people who “have it worse” invalidates their feelings, PsychCentral warns. Even if well-intentioned, it makes them feel like their problems aren’t important enough to warrant your empathy and support.
4. You’ve broken their trust in the past.
Whether you gossiped about something they confided in you, broke a promise, or used their vulnerability against them in an argument, broken trust is difficult to mend. They may fear that anything they tell you won’t stay confidential or will later be used as ammunition against them.
5. You don’t respect their boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are crucial in any relationship, including between parents and adult children. If you pry into their private life, give unsolicited advice, or don’t respect their right to make their own choices, they’ll build protective walls. Respect them as the independent adults they are.
6. You criticize their life choices, partners, or parenting style.
Even if you disagree with their decisions, constantly voicing disapproval creates distance. Adults need space to forge their own path, even if it wouldn’t be your choice. Offer support and respect for their decisions, even offering gentle advice only if specifically asked.
7. Your conversations always revolve around you.
If you dominate conversations with your own problems, accomplishments, or need for validation, your child will feel like you’re not genuinely interested in their lives. Make a conscious effort to shift the focus onto them – ask about how they’re doing, their current interests, and their joys and struggles.
8. You don’t apologize when you’re wrong.
Parents aren’t perfect. If you refuse to acknowledge when you’ve made a mistake, overreact, or hurt their feelings, it sends the message that you believe you’re always right. Even a simple “I’m sorry” when you’ve messed up goes a long way in building trust and demonstrating that they deserve respect as an adult.
9. You get overly emotional during difficult conversations.
If you have a tendency to cry, yell, or shut down emotionally when discussing sensitive topics, your child might hesitate to bring up difficult things. They likely don’t want to be responsible for managing your intense emotions on top of their own.
10. You expect them to visit, call, or reach out all the time.
Adult children have busy lives, Forbes reminds us. If you express guilt trips, disappointment, or act like they’re neglecting you if they don’t initiate contact constantly, it creates unnecessary pressure. Find a healthy balance and assume they love you even when life gets in the way.
11. You haven’t been a safe space for vulnerability throughout their lives.
If a child felt judged, ridiculed, or shut down whenever they expressed emotions or confided in you in the past, that pattern is hard to break. It takes consistent effort over time to assure them you’re now a safe person to share their burdens with.
12. They’re worried about burdening you with their problems.
Adult children might shield you from their struggles to protect you from worry. They might not realize that you want to be there for them, even during tough times, or they worry they’ll add to whatever stress you’re already carrying.
13. You have unrealistic expectations about the parent-adult child relationship.
Hoping for your adult child to be your best friend, confidante, or therapist places an inappropriate amount of responsibility on them. While adult parent-child relationships can be wonderful, look for sources of emotional support outside of the relationship for your own needs.
14. You talk negatively about their other parent.
Putting an adult child in the middle of parental conflict is incredibly unfair. Even if things are difficult with your ex, avoid badmouthing them to your child. They’ll be less likely to confide in you, especially about relationship troubles, if they fear you’ll judge their partner.
15. You don’t seem genuinely interested in their lives.
If you’re distracted when they talk, don’t remember the things they’ve shared, or primarily focus on things that make you look good as a parent, they won’t feel truly seen. Put away the phone, ask follow-up questions based on previous chats, and be present in their lives.
16. You’ve never directly told them you want them to confide in you.
Sometimes, adult children need an explicit invitation. Express directly that you’re a safe space, their feelings matter to you, and you want to be someone they can come to with anything, even if it’s difficult to hear.
17. You have trouble admitting your own imperfections.
Parents who insist they did everything right raise children who feel their struggles are invalid. Acknowledging your mistakes, even past ones, shows you don’t expect perfection from them and creates a safer atmosphere for them to be imperfect too.
18. You compare them to siblings, friends of theirs, or their peers.
Nothing shuts down communication faster than comparison. It makes them feel inadequate, unseen, and unappreciated for their unique strengths and path. Focus on celebrating them as an individual, not on how they measure up to others.
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