Whether you’re still mingling with a narcissist or you’ve already booted them out of your life, they know what you’re up to. Narcissists don’t let go easily. You could be ruffling their feathers if you’re on a path of personal growth. If you’re curious about whether or not a narcissist is threatened by your steps to self-improvement, here are some signs they sure are.
1. They’re mirroring your path.
Strangely, your path is suddenly their path. They’re mirroring you, doing (or at least saying they’re doing) the same things as you, whether that’s embracing self-care and meditation or going to therapy. They may try to play it off as though you’re copying them, not the other way around. It’s maddening!
2. They’ve started a new smear campaign against you.
The smear campaign is one of the most common narcissistic tools, and they’ll bring it out any time they feel threatened by one of their victims. If you’re no longer being played by them, you’re definitely a threat. Most narcissists don’t hide their hate when someone gets out from under their thumb, so they’re likely out there telling people you’re the bad person and that you’re saying things about them and trying to prevent their personal growth, even if you’ve moved on.
3. You’ve gotten messages from them.
Narcissists don’t like to lose, so there’s a chance yours could reach out to you to try to pull you back into their web, especially if they see you growing and moving on. If you get a call or text from a current or former narcissist in your life, your best bet is to ignore it. They may message about anything, not necessarily showing signs of wanting a reply — they just want to get under your skin.
4. There are posts about you on their social media.
While this could be part of the smear campaign, you may notice that the narcissist is posting messages about you, whether they mention your name outright or it’s a cryptic post that you know is about you because of certain things they say. They’re doing this to try to get to you. If you get angry or frustrated enough, you may reach back out to them, and then they can suck you right back into their game. Please don’t fall for it. Their words have no effect if you don’t let them.
5. Other people are reaching out to you.
You may hear from mutual friends that this person is talking about you again. There’s a chance that even strangers may reach out to you in a negative way, believing the awful things the narcissist has to say about you. But don’t let it get to you — stay on your path of personal growth. They people who actually know you and are worthy of staying in your life won’t fall for this crap.
6. They may start threatening you.
If your life is looking up, that’s the exact opposite of what a narcissist wants for you. They want you to stay under their thumb and down in the dumps. You may start receiving threats, whether face-to-face, through messages, or other people. It could be subtle, saying that you won’t succeed on this new path, or it could be worse. If the threats get out of hand, you should get help.
7. The hoovering begins.
They may have already reached out with threats or congrats to push themselves back into your world, but then there’s the hoovering. At this point, the narcissist wants to suck you back in at full force, like a vacuum pulling up garbage off the floor — and that’s what the narcissist sees you as, so run! Your best bet is to ignore them completely — don’t even reply.
8. You start to feel gaslighted.
You’re not growing; you’re just following in their footsteps. They gave you this power; it’s not your own — or at least that’s what the narcissist would like you to believe. Please don’t fall for their lies, and keep working on yourself with your head held high.
9. They flat-out insult your growth.
You can tell you’re getting on a narcissist’s nerves when they start slinging insults your way. “Ha, you call that growth? You’re still that clingy, co-dependent person I always knew you were.” Their insults are meant to wear you down to the point of breaking so they can be in control again.
10. Suddenly, they’re showing up where you go for growth.
Whether you’ve taken up a yoga class, go to a local park to meditate daily, or you’re going to therapy, if the narcissist gets wind of where you are, they may start showing up. Keep an eye out for them. The sooner you notice they’re stalking you, the sooner you can defuse the situation before it gets worse.
11. They claim to be growing more than you.
The narcissist always wants to one-up their victim. If you’re starting to find peace and joy again, especially without them, they’ll want people to think they’re also on a healing path and outgrowing you. Everything is a competition with them, and it’s one you can never win.
12. They put some new rules in play.
If the narcissist is still in your life, they may start putting new rules into play to try to keep you from growing because your growth means you’re moving away from their control. Perhaps you’re told you can no longer attend yoga classes or therapy. They may even spread rumors about you to those people to make you too embarrassed to go back.
13. Your boundaries are getting crushed, not just ignored.
Again, in the case that the narcissist is still a central part of your life, they’re likely to start breaking all of your boundaries even more so than usual. If you’re distracted by their refusal to respect you, you’re spending less time growing apart from them and more time being manipulated into anger and hurt, which aren’t helping your growth.
14. They start the false flattery.
“I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I see how much you’re growing and how happy you are. We should get together.” The narcissist wants you to think they’ve changed and are proud of your changes, but it’s all a front. False flattery is as worthless as a fake apology; don’t buy into it.
15. They come at you with your negative past.
This is probably the hardest to chew. They come yelling about some bad things you did in the past or how you’ve been in therapy for years, and it never helped. They want you to feel like a fraud on this new path. They’re trying to make you give up. We all make mistakes, so don’t let them get in the way of making changes for the better, no matter how loud someone is screaming them to the world.
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