If you had a rough childhood, it definitely makes relationships harder as an adult. That being said, it’s not a life sentence! Understanding how attachment styles work helps you heal those old wounds. People with secure attachments have some awesome habits we can learn from, whether we were raised by perfectly attuned parents or not.
1. They trust (most) people easily, but with healthy boundaries.
They assume good intent and give people the benefit of the doubt initially. However, this doesn’t mean they’re naive! They still pay attention to actions. Betrayals happen, but they see those as a reflection of the other person’s character, not proof that everyone is untrustworthy.
2. They’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
They crave deep connection, but they don’t panic when their partner needs space. They have their own hobbies and friends because they know their identity isn’t based solely on being someone’s significant other. This balance makes relationships more enjoyable for both people. As Huffington Post explains, having your own life is the key to a healthy relationship.
3. They express their needs directly, without playing games.
It’s okay to ask for what you want! In fact, you should — otherwise, you can’t be disappointed when you don’t get it. People with secure attachment styles don’t expect mind-reading, so instead of sulking when disappointed, they say “It’d mean a lot if you…” This encourages open communication and prevents that build-up of unspoken resentment.
4. They generally feel safe and supported in their relationships.
Not that there’s never conflict, but they have underlying confidence their partner has their back. This security allows them to be vulnerable without constant fear of abandonment. It makes it easier to work through tough stuff, not run at the first sign of trouble.
5. They can genuinely apologize — and accept apologies too.
Nobody’s perfect, and they get that. They own their mistakes and focus on making amends, not saving face. Similarly, they don’t hold grudges forever when someone else genuinely apologizes. Forgiveness lets them move on, instead of dwelling in past hurts.
6. They don’t see conflict as a catastrophe.
Disagreements are normal! They view them as opportunities to understand their partner better, not a sign the relationship is doomed. They fight fair, focusing on the issue instead of attacking the other person’s character. That being said, they’re not ones to write off clear problems as “normal” when they become a little too regular.
7. They’re comfortable showing a full range of emotions.
Nobody’s happy all the time, and people with secure attachment styles don’t bottle up anger, sadness, etc., which can destroy intimacy. Expressing those feelings in healthy ways lets their partner truly understand them. It also shows that love’s not conditional on them always being in a good mood.
8. They don’t self-sabotage their own happiness.
When someone or something great comes along in their lives, they believe they deserve it! Those with anxious or avoidant styles often find ways to ruin good things due to deep-seated insecurities. Securely attached folks enjoy love without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
9. They have a strong sense of self, separate from their relationships.
Their worthiness isn’t derived from who they’re dating. This inner strength makes them less likely to cling in unhealthy ways. They bring a full, interesting self to the relationship, which makes them a way more attractive partner than someone desperately seeking a person to “complete” them.
10. They’re not afraid to be single for periods of time.
Being alone doesn’t equal loneliness, and people with a secure attachment style know this. They enjoy their own company and don’t rush into relationships just to avoid being by themselves. This means when they DO choose a partner, it’s because they genuinely want that person, not because they feel incomplete without one.
11. They view their past with compassion, not regret.
Difficult relationships or childhood experiences shaped them, but don’t define them. They’ve done the work to understand those patterns, so they’re not doomed to repeat them. This self-awareness is key to breaking free from unhealthy relationship dynamics, per Psychology Today.
12. They’re attracted to emotionally available partners.
Those hot-and-cold, playing hard-to-get types are not so intriguing to securely attached people. They want someone capable of true intimacy, not the drama and emotional rollercoasters often created by those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles.
13. They communicate clearly under stress.
Hard times test any relationship. Securely attached people don’t lash out or withdraw when things get tough. They might need some space to process their emotions, but then they come back to talk it out in a constructive way with their partner.
14. They practice good self-care.
They prioritize sleep, healthy food, etc. knowing it’s not selfish, but necessary to be the best partner they can be. When they’re functioning at their best, they’re more calm, and they have the emotional energy to truly be present in the relationship.
15. They take breaks from their phone when with loved ones.
Social media’s addictive, but those with solid attachment styles know real connection isn’t found on a screen. Being present with the people they love strengthens bonds, and prevents the feeling of always competing with their partner’s online life. They have no problem putting their phones away and giving their friends and family their full attention.
16. They invest in friendships as much as romantic relationships.
A healthy social circle is non-negotiable to securely attached people. They make time for platonic connections, knowing it makes them a more well-rounded person. This also takes pressure off their partner to be their sole source of emotional support.
17. They model secure attachment behaviors for their children (if they have them).
The cycle can definitely change. While not foolproof, parents with a secure style are more likely to raise securely attached kids. This isn’t about being perfect parents, but attuned and responsive to their child’s needs, creating a safe base for them to explore the world.
18. They seek therapy when needed without shame.
Even those with the healthiest attachment styles benefit from therapy at times. They view it as proactive, like a tune-up for their mental health. This willingness to work on themselves is key to maintaining those awesome relationship habits over a lifetime.
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