Human relationships are complex.
If most of the people who come into your life, whether friends or lovers, are toxic, you may subconsciously attract these types of people. But why is it happening? You could be addicted to this sort of behavior, according to Therapy With AB. It makes sense — things like love bombing make us feel like these people are good for us occasionally, and we keep that memory stashed away during the bad times. Certain other behaviors in our own lives can cause this addiction to relationships that aren’t healthy for us, as well. Here are some signs may be allowing toxic people into your life without knowing it.
1. You have a close, toxic family member.
This could be right where it all started. If you had a toxic parent or sibling, being around toxic people may feel normal to you. Experiences from our childhood have a way of affecting us later in life, especially when they’re negative experiences. Your unresolved childhood issues due to toxic parenting or other toxic relatives who were close to you can cause you to seek out toxic relationships for the rest of your life if you don’t work on your trauma.
2. You have a skewed view of love and relationships.
This one also goes back to our childhoods and how we were raised. If you had parents who were toxic toward one another, that’s what you learned love is. As an adult, this means you’re likely seeking out similar relationships. You’ll probably keep doing this until you realize the pattern or find someone who helps you discover what love really is and how healthy relationships work.
3. You secretly love the drama.
Whether or not you’re a fan of soap operas and toxic relationships, whether romantic or platonic, it sort of plays out like these sappy morning dramas. Perhaps you enjoy the drama because you’re bored with your life. If that’s the case, there are far healthier hobbies out there you could take up. Suppose the excitement of the arguments, cancellations, and jealousy make you enjoy these relationships. In that case, there are probably some underlying causes you could talk to your mental health doctor about.
4. You feel like arguing is a normal part of relationships.
When fighting and arguing in relationships seems normal, you will attract more of this into your life. This is another one of those traits that often stems back to our childhoods, particularly if we had parents who fought a lot. Their fighting made arguing seem normal, so now you seek out people who enjoy a good or bad argument. The thing is, while arguing can be healthy, doing too much of it is bad for any relationship, as well as for your mental health.
5. You mistake toxicity for confidence.
Toxic people can come off as confident, and that confidence can be attractive for many reasons. If you struggle with your own sense of self-worth, finding someone who seems super comfortable in their own skin may make you think it will rub off on you. They could also lure you in with that confidence, like a fish on a hook.
6. You like to fix people.
The wounded souls coming into your life could be attracted to your healing spirit. If you love to fix people or believe you can change them, this could be the reason you’re subconsciously attracting toxic relationships into your life. You’re unlikely to fix them, and they’re likely to break you even more.
7. You fail to set healthy boundaries.
If you’re not setting firm limitations and establishing dealbreakers in all of your relationships, you’ll keep finding toxic people slipping through the cracks. There’s more to it than simply setting boundaries — you have to uphold them. If someone is continuously ignoring your boundaries, kick them to the curb.
8. You ignore red flags.
It would take an entire list of its own to go over all the red flags pointing toward toxic behavior, but you’re probably well-aware of many of them. It doesn’t help, though — you don’t do anything about it. You ignore that they’re ignoring your boundaries, that they like to argue and be in control, and that they refuse to work on their baggage. As a result, these toxic people keep finding their way into your life because you’re letting them.
9. You’re too accepting of negative behaviors.
Are you forgiving people for walking all over you and generally treating you like crap? If you are, no wonder all the broken people flock to you. It’s time to start accepting only good behaviors from friends and romantic partners, and teaching the Negative Nellies that their toxic traits are no longer welcome here.
10. Your shadow side takes over.
We all come with baggage, and if you haven’t started working on your shadow side, you could be attracting other people with unhealed trauma and far too much baggage into your life. Many items on this list fall into the “like attracts like” category of the Law of Attraction — that unwritten law that says whatever we put out into the world is what we will get more of. If you’re pushing your baggage onto others, expect to deal with theirs too.
11. You’re secretly codependent.
When we desperately feel we need people in our lives, we tend to lean into codependency. You feel you cannot live without these people, no matter how bad they may be for you. It’s time to work on your independence and realize surrounding yourself with toxic people is even unhealthier than relying on others for your happiness.
12. You enjoy a challenge.
Perhaps you’re attracting toxic people into your life because you think you can change them, or you like to be a glutton for punishment. The challenge of dealing with a toxic person’s quirks may be attractive to you. If so, consider why this is. Is it out of boredom with your own life? Do you have a need to help people you could use in a healthier manner?
13. You have commitment issues.
Sometimes, we seek out the people we know won’t stay in our lives long because we’re scared of commitment. A toxic friendship or romance may be a hot flame that fizzles out quickly, and that could be just what you were looking for (even if you thought otherwise).
14. You could be exhibiting your own toxic behaviors.
If you’re toxic yourself, you could be attracting like-minded people. Take time to look inward to see if you’re being toxic, too. We’re all guilty of exhibiting unhealthy patterns and behaviors once in a while — it’s those of us who deal with it and find ways to cope and move on that let go of a little bit of that baggage and lean toward healthier relationships in the long run.
15. You have low self-esteem.
Of course, your low self-esteem could draw you toward the confident, toxic person or your lack of self-confidence could make them seek you out. Work on knowing your worth, and you will see a change in the types of people you attract.
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