“Narcissist” is a popular term these days. It originated with the famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who brought us the theory that human beings are driven by powerful forces hidden in the unconscious mind. Being a narcissist typically means you only care about yourself and refuse to acknowledge anyone else’s reality. Typical narcissistic behaviors that show up as red flags are: manipulation, love bombing, gaslighting and other toxic patterns. Being treated in this way could undoubtedly traumatize you. However, despite the reality of narcissistic behavior, what could be the dangers of unfairly labeling someone else as a “narcissist”?
1. You could traumatize the person.
What if you’re wrong? Labeling someone a narcissist could cause them untold psychological damage. And even if you’re right, how is labeling them going to help them or fix the situation? Your criticism might make them even more determined not to change their ways. Throwing around psychiatric labels can also be a form of abuse, as it can be used for emotional manipulation.
2. You’re not a professional who can diagnose people.
A psychiatric label can only be applied by someone with the authority and qualifications to diagnose that condition. Unless the person you’re calling a narcissist has sought professional help and been clinically interviewed and diagnosed, you’re out of line. Chances are, you’re not a doctor and don’t have any right to hand out labels like this. Unless someone realizes they have a problem, wants to change, and feels like a diagnosis could help them, it’s not your place to enlighten them.
3. Labeling someone ignores the role you played in the relationship.
If the other person in your relationship is a narcissist, whether that be a family member, friend, coworker, or romantic partner, what does that make you? As Psych Central notes, all relationships are dynamic and are the interaction of two personalities. Labels don’t exist in a vacuum, and narcissists need victims. Do you really want to get sucked into that?
4. You don’t know what pain they’re going through.
Attaching a label to someone means not being very sensitive to their pain. Yes, they might have hurt you with their selfish actions but, quite frankly, hurt people hurt people. This is also known in psychological and therapeutic circles as the Pain Cycle. No one wakes up in the morning and sets out to behave in a narcissistic way.
5. You can’t make assumptions about someone else’s motivations.
Calling someone a narcissist implies we can read their reasons for doing the things they do. In reality, they may be reacting to how you’ve treated them. This doesn’t make what they’ve done okay, but does it really make them a narcissist? In reality, you could both be demonstrating a lack of compassion and acting out your unconscious pain.
6. You could be wrong about this.
Humans are notoriously subjective creatures. Just look at how inaccurate eyewitnesses can be at reporting their accounts of accidents or crimes. When emotions are running high, it’s quite likely that your interpretations of events could be a little bit off too. Take the time to think about the situation objectively.
7. Spreading this label around could affect their other relationships.
Telling your ex-partner’s family or friends that you think they’re a narcissist could jeopardize their other relationships with those people. Do you really want to drive someone’s loved ones away from them just because things didn’t work out between you? You might regret doing this later.
8. Wanting a label might be a reflection of your own hurt and anger.
Feeling the need to label someone a narcissist could simply be a reflection of the fact that you feel hurt and angry. Being able to lash out in this way could feel satisfying in the short-term, but be ultimately counterproductive to processing what happened. It can also stop you looking critically at the role you have played in bringing the relationship down.
9. It says something negative about you.
How we label and view others is often a consequence of the unacknowledged feelings we have and actions we’ve taken. A common pattern of psychological projection is when people see qualities in others that they don’t want to admit are present in themselves. By spreading this label, you risk making yourself look bad.
10. Labels don’t actually lead to true insight.
Fine, you think someone is a narcissist. Where do you go from here? How are you expecting someone to change if you label them in such a negative way? It could be a way of gaining power rather than trying to understand human behavior and become a more positive version of yourself.
11. It could irrevocably damage your relationship.
If you tell the person you have this negative view of that you think they’re a narcissist, you risk permanently damaging your relationship. This might not be what you really want. It might be good to hold on to hope that the relationship can be repaired — especially if that person is someone who needs to stay in your life, like a sibling or a co-parent.
12. You risk entering victim mode.
If you’ve ever heard of the drama triangle, you’ll know that victims can easily become abusers unintentionally. Getting stuck in victim mode is dangerous, as you risk perpetuating the drama that has become so toxic. Today’s victim can become tomorrow’s narcissist and vice versa. Step off the triangle by becoming more intentional and aware.
13. Labeling removes the other person’s agency.
Assigning someone a label is crossing a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. Sure, it’s okay to quietly wonder if someone might be a narcissist, but taking the step of labeling them to their face is going too far. Your knowledge of their inner world is superficial, at best. It’s an act of egotism to boldly claim that someone you know is a narcissist.
14. Places you at increased risk of becoming a “narcissist”.
Labeling someone else as a “narcissist” implies that you know their reality. This is exactly what narcissists are supposed to do – reject the reality of someone else’s experience if it differs from theirs. Narcissists impose their will on others and lack empathy. Don’t fall into the trap of becoming a narcissist yourself.
15. It’s too black and white.
If you’re saying someone is a narcissist, you’re likely also saying that they can’t ever change. This denies any possibility for growth and the potential to learn from their mistakes. It’s better to be kind, and simply say you found their behavior unacceptable. Set your own boundaries without violating theirs.
