Family is at the core of many of our lives. They’re often the people who give you your first meal, your first home, and your first outfit. But there are many popular myths about family which can be destructive if you believe them. Whether you’re uncertain about your own family or want to be more empathetic to those whose relationships with their relatives is shaky, to say the least, here are some untruths we should all discard for good.
1. Blood is thicker than water.
You’ve probably heard this saying before. It’s used to mean that family relationships will always be stronger than those with people you’re not related to, Psychology Today explains. However, many people debate the true meaning of this phrase. While its origins may be disputable, the reality isn’t. You’re free to choose whatever relationships are most fulfilling for you. Chosen family, friends, and romantic partners can be just as close and committed as blood family. Don’t let toxic family members use this saying against you.
2. You always have to be on someone’s side.
You’ve probably argued with your family dozens of times. Arguments are a natural part of relationships. But sometimes, you don’t have to get pulled into one. If two family members are tossing insults and you don’t feel like getting involved, it’s okay to stay silent. Sometimes families try to pit people against each other, or turn you against people who aren’t in the family. They might barrage you with criticism if you don’t join them. You get to make your own choices.
3. “That’s just how families are.”
You’ll usually hear this reply after you point out dysfunction in the family. Many families don’t want to improve and will use this as a shield. Yes, siblings fight, and people disagree. But if you feel betrayed, hurt, or unsafe with your family, you should listen to those feelings. Even if other people don’t want to improve, you still can. And you can always walk away.
4. Saying no is disrespectful.
Parents love to talk a lot about respect. You might get berated for saying no to something they were looking forward to, but that’s your right. Sometimes you just don’t want to do something. Whatever your reasoning, it’s fine to say no to family. That being said, if you’re saying no all the time, you might want to look for other signs you aren’t getting along with your family.
5. You have to stay in touch with family even if they’re toxic.
Many people think that you have to keep family around no matter how draining or even abusive they are. The good news is, that’s a total lie. If you feel like your family is toxic, you can decide to walk away from them. You can say goodbye forever, take a shorter break, or set more clear boundaries with your family. As long as you don’t rely on them for support, you will be okay.
6. Cutting off family is taking the “easy way out.”
Toxic family members love to accuse you of being the lesser person. But the truth is that the majority of the time, cutting off family is actually the hardest thing you can do. Even if they were toxic, you’ll likely feel guilt and grief at losing them. You aren’t weak for getting rid of toxic family. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what’s best for you.
7. You have to forgive family.
Just because someone’s family doesn’t mean they get a pass to do whatever they’d like. There are many reasons for forgiving people. You get to choose when and how you forgive others when they harm you. What’s most important after a rupture is repair; did your family properly apologize to you and try to make things right? Even so, you don’t have to forgive them if you don’t feel ready to.
8. The parent is always right.
Parents often try to make themselves seem better than you. They won’t admit to being wrong, even when you know they are. If you grew up believing that parents are always right, maybe it’s time to unlearn that. Parents are people too and can be wrong sometimes. It’s okay to call them out on that. You don’t always have to say they’re right just to make them happy.
9. Your family’s needs come before your own.
Relationships are all about balance. If you really care about your family, sometimes you might choose them over what you need. But they shouldn’t be coming first every time. Your needs are important in taking care of yourself. If you find yourself burning out trying to appease family members, you might want to learn boundaries you can set for yourself.
10. It’s your “job” to care for family members.
You didn’t choose the family you were born with, but you do get to choose how much you provide for them. Healthy families often care for each other and provide support when needed. If you love your family and they’ve treated you well, odds are you’ll do this too. You are never obligated to, though. If your family wasn’t there for you, or you don’t have the resources to help them, you can focus on your own wellbeing instead.
11. Parents aren’t allowed to make mistakes.
Although it may sometimes seem otherwise, parents are just people too. They make mistakes like everybody else. Occasional mistakes don’t mean you have toxic parents. If they apologize afterward and try to repair things with you, chances are they care about you. But if they don’t own up to their mistakes, or repeatedly make the same mistakes, it could be harmful for you.
12. Children aren’t allowed to make mistakes, either.
Making mistakes is how you learn and grow as a person. If your parents often chide you for making honest mistakes, it can make you feel very down. Know that making mistakes is a very human thing, and just like when parents do it, the important part is repair. If you’re able to admit your mistakes to your family and remind them how much you care about them, you’ll have stronger relationships.
13. You should have been a “better child.”
If your family is dysfunctional, it isn’t the fault of you as the child. Most of the time, dysfunctionality comes from the adults in a family, and can be perpetuated or ignored by the child. Even if you’re grown now, any issues that started in your childhood aren’t a fault of you as a person. The most likely truth is that your family doesn’t want to own up to their mistakes and would rather blame things on you.
14. Appearance is more important than feelings.
Your family might be obsessed with how others view them. Sometimes you’re expected to do the “right” thing to keep up the family’s reputation, or your own. But your own needs and feelings come first. If a part of your family’s reputation makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to support it. It’s good to set healthy boundaries and remove yourself from situations that feel harmful.
15. You’ll be forever lonely without family.
Although family might provide the basis for your social network, it will never be all you have. Whether you need to fully cut off your family or just enforce more distance, there will always be other people who love you. Found family, friends, romances, and even coworkers can be there for you when your family is toxic. You might feel lonely without family, but it won’t be that way forever.
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