Sometimes strong language is necessary. If someone’s mistreating you, you’re well within your rights to be assertive. However, in less emotionally charged situations, tweaking how you word things makes things less fraught or dramatic, which in turn allows you to collaborate with other people more easily and improves your relationships overall. Think of it as adding a bit of finesse to your communication toolkit, not becoming a pushover. If you want to come across as more approachable and likable (and a lot less aggressive), avoid saying these things in conversation.
1. “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…”
These generalizations are rarely true, and put the other person immediately on the defensive. Even if they often do the annoying thing, try something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed a pattern of X lately… can we talk about that?” Focus on the specific issue, not attacking their entire character.
2. “You’re being ridiculous/crazy/too sensitive…”
This dismisses their feelings, even if you disagree. It’s about steamrolling your perspective rather than hearing theirs out. Instead, try, “I don’t fully understand where you’re coming from on this, can you explain a bit more?” This opens up the lines of conversation rather than shutting them down.
3. Starting sentences with “You should(n’t) have…”
Unsolicited advice, especially about stuff that happened in the past and is ancient history now, feels like criticism. Unless it’s your actual job to provide that feedback, tread lightly! Try phrasing it as a question: “Did you consider trying [alternative]?” This presents an option instead of sounding like you know better than them.
4. “Calm down!” (Especially when they’re already upset)
This is fuel on the fire. Everyone deserves to express emotions, even unpleasant ones. Instead, validate their feelings: “This sounds frustrating for you, I get it…” Once the initial storm passes THEN you can gently work towards finding a solution together. As Dr. Susan Bernstein notes, telling someone to calm down is likely to get you the exact opposite reaction.
5. Interrupting in any form
Even if you think you know where someone is going with what they’re saying, let them finish, for goodness’ sake. Interrupting signals disrespect. It’s okay to take a beat to process, then say, “Hold on, I want to back up to what you said about X…” This shows you WERE listening, but want to explore one specific point in more detail.
6. Sarcasm intended to hurt or humiliate
It may mask hurt, but it’s rarely constructive. If upset, state your needs directly: “I feel disrespected when you joke about that in front of others, can we keep that between us?” Mature people can have hard conversations without cruelty, even if it feels awkward at first.
7. “I’m not mad!” (When your entire attitude/body language says otherwise)
Stonewalling, eye-rolling, slammed doors — non-verbal hostility is just as damaging as yelling. It’s okay to say, “I’m too upset to have this conversation productively right now, can we try again in an hour?” Owning your need to cool off builds more trust than pretending you’re zen when you’re not.
8. Bringing up unrelated past grievances
“Well, remember that time YOU…” is derailing the conversation for point-scoring. Stay on topic. “This is about X happening now, can we focus on finding a solution for that?” Cleaning up your side of the street is powerful, so don’t let their past mess-ups distract you.
9. “That’s just your opinion” (To dismiss disagreeing views)
Of course, everyone’s perspective is subjective, but this dismissive wording shuts down conversation. Instead, how about something like: “Interesting, I see it differently. This part of your argument isn’t resonating with me because…” This encourages them to elaborate, opening the possibility of finding common ground, rather than just a stalemate.
10. “Why are you making this so difficult?”
This implies they’re being uncooperative on purpose just to annoy you. In reality, they may have reasons for their stance that are perfectly valid to them, even if you disagree. Instead, go for something like: “I want to understand your hesitation on this. Can you walk me through your thought process?”
11. “No offense, but…”
This is like putting a disclaimer on being rude. If what you’re about to say is potentially hurtful, rephrase entirely. State your observation, then your concern: “I noticed X. I’m worried the impact on our project might be Y, can we brainstorm ways to mitigate that?” Otherwise, using this as a band-aid for saying something offensive isn’t going to go over very well.
12. “I feel like…” (When what you mean is “I think…”)
Overusing this softens valid points. “I feel like you’re not making this a priority” leaves room for them to argue how you feel instead of addressing the issue. “I think we should revisit the timeline” is clearer and focuses on actionable problem-solving, not their intentions.
13. Threats, even when you don’t mean them literally
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“If you don’t do X, I’m leaving!” This is emotional blackmail, plain and simple. Even in frustration, train yourself to pause before resorting to ultimatums. It’s okay to set boundaries, but do it calmly: “I can’t continue this conversation unless [negative behavior] stops. Need a few minutes, then let’s try again.”
14. “Am I the only one around here who…”
Rhetorical questions laced with guilt are manipulative. You’re not trying to find an answer, you’re trying to shame them into agreeing. Directness is better: “I could use some help with X. Is now a good time, or would later work better?” This allows them to make a choice without feeling pressured.
15. Public call-outs
Correcting a coworker in a meeting, or venting about your partner to friends embarrasses them. It makes it about their humiliation, not fixing the problem. Discreet is almost always better: “Hey, can we chat about X in private later?” This shows respect and a problem-solving mindset.
16. Tone-policing
Snapping, “Don’t get snippy!” if they’re upset avoids addressing their point. Focus on the substance of their argument, not their tone. Sometimes people get flustered when they care deeply, but have clunky communication skills. Try: “Okay, it sounds like this is important to you. Let’s take a deep breath and unpack this bit by bit…”
17. Stonewalling out of revenge
If they’re being aggressive, withdrawing entirely shuts the door on resolution. It’s okay to disengage to protect yourself; the difference is INTENT. “This conversation is unproductive. I need 20 minutes, then can we try again calmly” is vastly different from just ghosting them for days to make them suffer.
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