Being a good parent is sometimes hard, especially when your children aren’t so little anymore. You’re a pro when it comes to raising a young person, but what happens when they become adults themselves? While you’ll likely discover a lot of new things about yourself, your child, and your new dynamic, you can help keep the relationship running smoothly by setting some healthy boundaries.
1. Limit how much money you give them.
One thing that your children are probably used to is financial handouts. After all, they’re used to you paying for everything, potentially to the point that they’ve become reliant on it. When they become adults, however, it’s important to reel this back in and let them make their way financially. Otherwise, they will continue to rely on you for financial aid for a long time, delaying their ability to make it independently, The Los Angeles Times explains.
2. Allow them to make their own decisions.
You made all (or at least most of) the decisions for your kids when they were younger, but that shouldn’t be the case anymore. From extracurricular activities to what first car they should buy, your children have always come to you for advice when making an important decision. Now that they’re adults, though, studies show it’s important to take a step back and allow them to make their own decisions. This way, they can develop essential life skills and autonomy.
3. Allow them to learn from their mistakes.
Like all good parents, you’ve been there to catch your child when they’ve fallen from the beginning, literally and figuratively. You’ve been their sounding board and shoulder to lean on when encountering disappointment and regret. As an adult, however, it’s important to let them make their own mistakes, even if they lead to harsh outcomes. They need to learn to live with the consequences of their actions.
4. Develop an identity that goes beyond parenthood.
From the moment you became a parent, your children were and still are your whole world. When they’re little, parenting is all-consuming, but as they get older, they become more independent, and you can regain a bit of your old identity. Some find this easier than others. While being in your adult children’s lives is good, having a sense of self outside them is also good.
5. Treat them as an equal.
For almost all of their lives, you have maintained the role of parent with your children. They’ve seen you as their guardian and role model. While you can still be a great role model for your adult children, it’s important to remember that you’re no longer their caretaker. You can help them in serious situations, but otherwise, approach your relationship with them as their equal.
6. Separate your schedules.
You’re used to doing everything with and for your children. Now that they’re adults, though, they need to be able to do their own thing sometimes (and so do you!). You’re both adults, so you no longer have to do everything together. When you cultivate your own lives as separate people, you can start to meet in the middle on neutral ground, which encourages a healthy relationship.
7. Encourage them to get their own place.
Your home has been your children’s home for their entire lives, so it’s understandable if they’re hesitant to move out. However, studies show that moving out is an important transition to adulthood. It forces them to learn the major responsibilities they’ll need to navigate the rest of their lives, from budgeting and paying bills to cleaning and managing their time without supervision.
8. Respect their personal space.
When it comes to personal space, every family is different. Some families love being physically close, while others like to maintain their distance. When your child grows up and moves out, it’s important to allow them to choose how much personal space they need. Let them know if you plan on popping over so they feel their place is their space.
9. Think before imposing your beliefs on them.
As your children were growing up, you made a point of passing on and teaching them your values. Because these were important to you, it was important for you to see your children go out into the world with the right foundational beliefs. However, beliefs are entirely subjective, and your adult child is entitled to come to their own conclusions. If they’ve since veered away from the values that they grew up with, respect their differences in faith (or lack thereof) and don’t push it.
10. Set clear guidelines around communication.
Not only is it important to set clear boundaries around financial support, but it’s also important to be clear about how and when you intend to communicate with your adult children. Just as you shouldn’t visit them unannounced, it might not suit you for them to call in the middle of the night, and vice versa.
11. Be clear about caregiving expectations.
When your adult children start to have their own children, spending time together as a family is even more precious. However, it’s important to be clear about your expectations around time spent and how often your adult children expect you to help out with your grandkids. Otherwise, the lines can get blurred, and you can resent your children for asking too much of you as a grandparent.
12. Think twice before you hand out advice.
When you give advice, you only mean well as a parent or grandparent. However, sometimes advice can be taken the wrong way and considered overbearing. Ultimately, you want to help your adult children, but they also want to maintain their autonomy and do things independently, especially with their children.
13. Consider what privacy means to you.
Like personal space, everybody has a different definition of privacy within a family. Your children might have grown up in an easygoing household where nothing was sacred. However, now that your space is back, you might value privacy more than anything. Talk to your adult children about what privacy means to you and how you want them to respect yours when they visit. Sure, your home will always be theirs, but respect is still important.
14. Avoid resorting to guilt-tripping.
Making your children feel guilty is a toxic relationship trait. Now that your children are adults, they have the independence and autonomy to live their lives as they see fit, and there will be times when you’ll need to bite your tongue. Even though it’s hard, learn to avoid resorting to guilt-tripping when things don’t go your way with your adult child — it’ll only serve to strain the relationship.
15. Learn to work on your relationship together.
One of the best ways to set healthy boundaries with your adult children is to make sure you’re both putting in the effort to keep your relationship strong and thriving. Whether through open communication or even counseling, talking about unresolved issues can make the boundary-making process easier. This way, you’re both on the same page and can avoid future misunderstandings.
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