“You know there’s such thing as religious trauma,” my therapist explained. I shook my head no. After all, “religious trauma” should be an oxymoron, a paradox reserved for fairytales that don’t end so well.
But she was right. We can, indeed, be damaged by the church. The more I thought about this ugly truth, the more I understood its overwhelming possibility. The church is made of imperfect people, so why did I ever expect it to treat me perfectly? That said, we should have a healthy relationship with the church, understanding that we shouldn’t throw out religious practice altogether because of the bad guys. But we should always be aware of the red flags of a bad church. Take heed of the following:
1. Pastor worship
This was the biggest problem my childhood church had, a brick-and-mortar church that scarred my heart. The pastor became his own god. Whatever he said went, whatever he condoned was accepted, and whatever he hated was destroyed. No one in the church, not even the elders (sometimes known as deacons), held him accountable. No man should be left in a leadership position without accountability.
2. No disagreements within the leadership
On the surface, it seems there should never be disagreements in the church, especially amongst the leadership. But here’s the thing—if no one is ever disagreeing, no one is ever thinking for themselves. No one is ever holding to their God-given, Scripture-backed convictions. So is a leader truly a leader if they’re simply following whatever thoughts and principles are most agreeable?
3. Only one version of the Bible
In my home church, anything but the King James Version of the Bible was deemed “not a Bible.” It wasn’t “truth.” But if you do a deep dive into why the King James Version was written, you’ll discover it had some political motivations. Do your own research to discover which translation of the Bible allows you to understand and study best. Of course, certain versions, like The Message, are more so paraphrases, but beware of churches that act as dictators regarding which version of the Bible you read.
4. No children in the congregation
My husband made the point one day that any church whose average age is forty and up is considered a “dying” church. There aren’t enough young people in the pews to fill the spots as the older generations pass. Churches need to create an atmosphere that welcomes kids and hosts activities and events that allow them to understand the gospel for their age level.
5. No community outreach
The church wasn’t designed to be a country club for elite believers. It was meant to be a place of encouragement that stirred believers to reach the community and welcome them into the Body. If your church acts as an island and never deems it necessary to plug in with the community, they misunderstand the purpose of the local church.
6. Judgment-based dress code
I’m not suggesting that you show up for church in a bikini, but there shouldn’t be a judgment-based dress code at church. You never know what someone can and can’t afford or why they show up the way they do. The church serves as a beacon of hope and healing and should never stop people at the door for not wearing the “appropriate” attire.
7. Only one type of music
My old church deemed contemporary Christian music as “unChristian” and “disrespectful.” But the older I got and the more I listened to contemporary Christian music, the more I discovered their lyrics and messages were just as God-honoring as old hymns. Meanwhile, churches that ignore classic hymns and the rich lessons packed in them are missing how crucial it is to understand the church’s history that shapes the faith today.
8. High school-type cliques
This is one of my biggest pet peeves within the church—high school-type cliques. When grown adults won’t sit with certain adults because of their past, because of their friend group, or because they aren’t a wife, mother, or some other label, the church becomes an elite, putrid country club. Its members become as petty as the popular girls in high school who cherry-picked friends based on social clout.
9. Members don’t reflect Christ outside the church
Of course, you can’t control how anyone acts outside church walls, let alone an entire congregation. However, if a small group is centered on gossip or serves as a cover-up for a chance to watch the latest football game, the church’s ministries are rooted in self-centered behavior. This often reflects the hearts of the leaders and foreshadows a church that’s doomed to produce bad fruit.
10. Extra quiet women
I’m not here to argue whether or not women can be pastors–that’s a whole other debate. However, when a church never allows women to ask questions regarding curriculum, or they’re never allowed to lead Bible studies and community groups, that’s a sign of sexism. (Many traditional churches will use the Bible being full of male leaders as their excuse, but remember, the Bible was written in a completely different cultural time. And don’t forget the Old Testament judge, Deborah, and all of the women who hosted the early church in their homes in Paul’s New Testament letters.)
11. Sketchy finances
If there are never budget meetings where the congregation can ask questions and understand where their tithes are going, that’s a huge red flag. If the pastor is always wearing tailor-made clothes and driving a Porsche, that’s a little sketchy. That doesn’t mean the pastor can’t buy nice things for himself, but when leadership is more concerned with a comfortable lifestyle than honoring the radical giving of the Bible, there’s a deep-rooted problem.
12. No guest speakers
If guests are never invited to preach on Sunday, introduce everyone to their ministry, or host conferences at the church, beware. This can allude to a pastor who wants to control the congregation. They don’t want to invite anyone to speak who could contradict their thoughts or convictions. Of course, pastors should do lots of research and personally get to know anyone who comes to the church–because pastors should shield their congregants from false teaching—but it’s very cult-ish when only one person deems themselves the sole source of truth.
13. No life groups, Bible studies, etc.
If there are no activities for members (of all ages) to participate in on the weekdays, the church is failing to offer members the encouragement they need. Smaller, localized life groups and Bible studies create an atmosphere that more easily lends itself to vulnerability, establishing friendships and mentorships that fortify the church as a whole.
14. Talk down about other churches
Now, if a church is preaching falsehoods or promoting or condemning things they shouldn’t, they should be called out. However, if your pastor’s favorite “example” behind the pulpit is always pointing out the faults of other community churches, trashing their pastors, worship styles, outreaches, etc., that’s a sign of some serious immaturity. At the end of the day, each church should support the other to further spread the gospel.
15. Rules over Jesus
When the church seems to press rules or obligations that don’t directly reflect the life of Jesus showcased in the gospels, then the church has its priorities all wrong. Yes, there’s certainly right and wrong. Christ makes that clear. But if those rules aren’t forged out of love and sacrifice, we have taken over the role of “god,” deeming ourselves righteous enough to judge others. And those are dangerous, miserable waters to tread. Jesus does an awesome job at being Jesus–so let Him lead you and your church.
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