Genuine compliments tend to include some details — “I love that sweater; it reminds me of autumn, which is my favorite season.”
But then there are those compliments that people use in a backhanded manner, meant to flatter you so they can manipulate you into something, even if it’s as simple as getting you to believe they like you. Here are some things people might say that are used to flatter and manipulate that shouldn’t always be taken to heart.
1. “Your style is so unique. I wish I could dress like you.”
This could be a genuine compliment because they may like your unique style and want to know how to pull it off. However, it seems like a backhanded compliment followed by them whispering to their friends about how horrible you look in that or how they can’t believe anyone would leave the house looking like that. The manipulative factor comes if they want you to show them how to create outfits and looks without giving you any credit for your unique style tips.
2. “I couldn’t do this without you.”
While it may seem nice to hear that you’re needed, someone saying they couldn’t do something without you is most likely using that phrase to manipulate you into helping them. It’s not that they couldn’t do it alone; they didn’t want to do it alone, per the Harvard Business Review. They figure if they make you feel good about helping them, you’ll keep it up.
3. “You understand me better than anyone else.”
It’s nice to have someone acknowledge that you pay attention to what they say and their interests, but when someone comes at you with a statement about how you know them so much more than everyone else, red flags should go up. While it could be true that you know them quite well, a manipulative person might use your knowledge of them in nefarious ways. One thing they could do is blame you for things they do because you should have known better.
4. “I’d love to be more like you.”
Having admirers can be nice, but when someone wishes to be more like you, they could have ulterior motives. They may start acting like you, a la “Single White Female.” They could be trying to take your job, your significant other, or something else. Or, if they’re not manipulating you, take it as a compliment.
5. “You do everything so perfectly.”
At your place of employment, having someone tell you that you do everything well could be their attempt to manipulate you into doing more work or even more of their work. At home, they may be hoping the same thing — you do it so well, perhaps it should be your job from now on. We’re not saying you should stop being good at what you do, but don’t let people’s backhanded compliments sucker you into doing even more.
6. “You’re always so easy to talk to.”
Are you the person everyone goes to when they need someone to talk or vent to? While it’s okay to help people when they come to you for advice, if you enjoy it, you still want to watch out for people using you. Set boundaries so that you get a break from other people’s drama when you need it.
7. “I’ve never met anyone as awesome as you.”
While you may be awesome, someone who feels the need to point out this fact regularly may be trying to manipulate you. They could be hoping you’ll do things for them, or they could want to be closer to your inner world, so perhaps some of your awesomeness will rub off on you. It may be flattering to have someone mimic you, but again, watch out for that “Single White Female” scenario.
8. “I love when you come to the rescue.”
Whether you’re an empath and have that drive to help people or you are a helpful person for any other reason, being the one who always comes to the rescue is draining. It’s draining because many will take advantage of your kind heart and helpfulness. While not everyone will use you, watch out for people who continually look to you to be their “knight in shining armor,” as these words coming from them are likely an act of manipulation.
9. “Everything looks easy when you do it.”
You can take this as a teachable moment, but the setting in which this statement is made could tell you whether or not you’re being manipulated. When someone at work says something looks easy when you do it, they may be hoping that you’ll keep doing it, and they won’t have to. Of course, if you teach them your ways, they can do it easily too, but you may not have the same job security as you did without the competition.
10. “Everyone thinks you’re the best.”
This could be a compliment, depending on the tone of the person’s voice. However, even if they’re not saying it sarcastically, it could still be used as a manipulation tool. This person may be hoping that you’ll deny your greatness or, better yet, that you’ll say something incriminating about someone else that they can use to knock you down a peg or two in other people’s eyes.
11. “You’re the most generous person I know.”
Generosity is a great trait, but it can open you up to manipulation from people who may want to take advantage of you. It’s essential to make sure you have enough spoons for yourself before you begin giving them away to others. When someone regularly points out your generosity, note it and look at how much you’re giving to them and others. Consider whether your generosity is being taken as a gift or if you’re being used.
12. “This place would fall apart without you.”
If you’re someone everyone can rely on, you may be missed if you aren’t there to hold everyone up. The thing is, the more we put into keeping everyone else lifted and moving, whether at work, with friends, or at home, the less we have for ourselves. Plus, if you’re dealing with people who are using you, you need to keep things together, which may lead to them manipulating you into doing even more.
13. “You taught me so much.”
Having someone tell you you’ve taught them a lot can feel good. And while this could be a genuine statement that includes a heartfelt thank you, it could also be flattery intended to manipulate you, Psychology Today warns. How can you tell the difference? Well, someone who appreciates all you’ve done will be thankful, while someone who is using you will want you to keep teaching them even more without offering anything (including thanks) in return.
14. “I trust your judgment more than anyone else’s.”
It’s nice to be trusted and to know that someone thinks you make sound judgments. The thing is, people should trust their judgment more than someone else’s. This person may be hoping that you’ll give them a roadmap to get things done so they don’t have to do their own thinking.
15. “Everyone is always so drawn to you.”
Some people are natural people magnets, drawing in all sorts of folks. They may be attracted to their intelligence, kindness, or empathy. A person who points this out may be expressing their jealousy and hoping to manipulate you into sharing some of your friend circle with them. These are the people who may potentially try to befriend all of your social media pals, even when they don’t know them, and show up to get-togethers uninvited.
16. “I’d love to hang out with you more often.”
If you’ve ever had someone try to weasel their way into your life and your inner circle, you know how frustrating it can be to have someone push themselves into a space that doesn’t exist. You may not want to be mean, but you know you don’t have time for another friend, or perhaps you prefer to keep work separate from your personal life. This person wants to manipulate you into being their friend and monopolize your time. Just be honest with them about your feelings.
17. “You’re the smartest person I know.”
Everyone has different kinds of smarts, and you could very well be the most intelligent person someone knows. But what aim is there in telling you this? They may hope that flattering you in this way will get you to do something for them. What that something is will come out after their compliment.
18. “I knew I could trust you.”
Trust is a wonderful thing to have, but when someone points out their trust in you, it could be a manipulative tactic. They trust you, so you should trust them. Except that, if you do place your trust in them, they may not prove to be as trustworthy as you are.
