If you’re the kind of person who’s always there for other people, but you rarely get the same in return, it’s time for a reality check. Those “friends” who disappear when you need them, or the coworker who dumps all their work on you aren’t oblivious, they’re users. Here are some no-BS reasons why people think it’s okay to treat you this way, and more importantly, how to put a stop to it.
1. You’re an easygoing, helpful person by nature.
Empathy is your superpower, but manipulative people zero in on this. They know a guilt trip or playing the victim will get them what they want. Kindness is awesome, but if you never set boundaries, they mistake it for permission to take advantage of you.
2. You assume the best in everyone, even when they show you who they really are.
Forgiving is admirable, but repeatedly giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they’ve been unreliable burns you out, Psychology Today warns. Hope is great, but not at the expense of recognizing patterns. Someone repeatedly “forgetting” their wallet when you eat out together isn’t clumsiness, it’s a strategy.
3. It’s hard for you to say “no.”
Fear of disappointing people leads to overcommitting. The problem is, this trains others to expect you’ll always say “yes,” and they start piling on more and more, knowing you won’t push back. Saying “no” protects your time and sanity, and weeds out the people who are only interested in what they can get from you.
4. You lack strong boundaries and have a hard time advocating for yourself.
Maybe you were raised to put everyone else first, or you’re conflict-avoidant. Sadly, this creates an opening for takers. They know you won’t prioritize your own needs or set firm limits, so they push their luck. It’s not about becoming selfish, it’s about recognizing that respecting yourself is just as important as respecting others.
5. You mistake pushiness for passion or enthusiasm.
People who relentlessly want things from you often frame it as ambition. Don’t be fooled! Genuine friends support you too. Enthusiasm is reciprocal, demands are one-sided. Pushy people cross boundaries, enthusiastic people respect them.
6. You fear confrontation or worry about being disliked.
This makes you the perfect target for users because they know you’ll cave to avoid a difficult conversation. The thing is, people-pleasing often backfires! Those you bend over backwards for rarely respect you as much as those who are upfront about their needs and limits.
7. You feel secretly responsible for other people’s happiness.
This is a heavy burden! Adults are responsible for their own well-being. Helping is good, enabling is destructive. You can be kind without sacrificing your own needs to keep someone else comfortable. Their emotional well-being isn’t your job.
8. You have low self-esteem and believe you don’t deserve better treatment.
This mindset keeps you stuck in a cycle of being used. Deep down, if you think you’re not worthy, it feels “right” when others don’t value your time or energy. Challenging this core belief is key to demanding better! Recognizing your own worth makes you a far less attractive target for users, Huffington Post notes.
How to Make it Stop
Now that you understand WHY you’re a target for users, it’s important to put some practices in place to put a stop to it. Here are some strategies to change the dynamic.
9. Start with small, low-stakes “no” responses to build confidence.
Don’t try to go from “yes person” to steel-spined boundary master overnight. Practicing on minor requests – “No, I can’t help you move this weekend” or “No, I don’t want to see that movie” – builds those muscles without risking a major blowup.
10. Delay your response instead of an immediate “yes.”
Giving answers like “Let me check my calendar” or “I need to think about that” buy you time. This breaks the habit of instant compliance, gives you space to assess if the ask is reasonable, and lets the other person know you’re not a pushover.
11. Offer an alternative instead of a flat-out “no.”
Soften the blow while maintaining your boundary: “I can’t drive you to the airport, but would taking an Uber work?” or “I don’t have the bandwidth for that project, but how about X instead?” This shows you’re willing to help, just not in the exact way they initially demanded.
12. Get comfortable with some discomfort.
Saying “no” will feel awkward at first! Those guilt pangs are normal. Remind yourself that short-term discomfort is better than long-term resentment or getting overwhelmed down the line. Saying no can feel surprisingly freeing once you start practicing it.
13. Don’t over-explain or apologize for your limits.
“No, I’m unavailable” is enough. Endless justifications invite the other person to push back or try to guilt-trip you. A respectful but firm “no” needs no elaborate excuse, Psychology Today reminds us. Remember, it’s your time/energy/resources – you get to decide how they’re spent.
14. Be prepared for users to try to test your new boundaries.
When you stop being a doormat, they will try to get you back into old patterns. Hold firm! Consistency is key. If they realize you’re serious about not being at their beck and call, most will give up, and seek out easier targets.
15. Reframe “no” as an act of self-care.
Saying “no” to others means saying “yes” to your own sanity and well-being! Prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish, it’s essential so you can refill your tank and have energy to give to those who do value your time and effort.
16. Lean on supportive friends and family.
Changing lifelong people-pleasing habits is hard! Having people who understand your boundaries journey is crucial. They’ll cheer you on when you stand up for yourself, and remind you that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
17. Recognize that some relationships might change, or even end.
Sadly, true users only value you for what you do for them. When you stop being easily exploited, they may bail. It’s painful, but shows you their true character and frees you up for healthier connections.
18. Seek therapy if building boundaries feels overwhelming.
Sometimes, people-pleasing is deeply rooted in past experiences, low self-worth, or fear of abandonment. A therapist can help! They’ll work with you to address the root causes, giving you the skills and mindset shifts to build strong boundaries without feeling like you’re becoming a different person.
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