We’ve all made a comment that seemed totally innocent in your head but that landed with a thud. Your friend’s/colleague’s/partner’s face fell, followed by an awkward silence. Oops! In those cringe-filled moments, the urge to make it go away can be overwhelming, but there are some things you absolutely, positively shouldn’t say unless you want to make things worse.
1. “You’re so sensitive!”
This one’s like pouring gasoline onto a fire. Even if you think they’re overreacting, belittling someone’s feelings just makes things worse, Psychology Today notes. It basically says, “Your feelings aren’t valid, and I’m not the one who has to change.” Not a good way to repair the damage and shows a complete lack of empathy.
2. “I was just joking!”
Ah, the classic attempt to hide an insult as humor. The thing is, jokes are funny when everyone laughs. If someone’s hurt, playing it off as a joke just makes you seem like a jerk who can dish it out but can’t take it. Instead of backpedaling, own up to your misjudgment with a sincere apology.
3. “Well, actually…” (followed by a long-winded explanation)
In that moment of awkwardness, it’s tempting to justify why you said what you said. But think about it from the other person’s perspective. They’re not interested in a debate about your intentions. Doubling down will only make you appear defensive, and completely misses the point that what you said was hurtful.
4. “It wasn’t that bad.”
Don’t downplay how your words affected someone! You’re basically overriding their experience and telling them how they should feel. Even if your intention wasn’t malicious, the impact is what matters in the moment. Trying to minimize someone’s feelings is not the way to mend fences.
5. Turning it around on them.
A variation of the “you’re too sensitive” theme: “Well, you’ve said mean things about me,” or “You hurt my feelings once!” Now’s not the time to play the blame game or pull out an old grudge match. Stay focused on the present moment, your mistake, and how you can make amends.
6. Staying silent or pretending nothing happened.
The awkwardness might be painful, but hoping it’ll just blow over on its own? That’s a recipe for resentment. Saying nothing compounds the hurt. It shows you don’t care enough about their feelings to even try to address the situation. Ignoring it won’t make it go away.
7. “I’m sorry, BUT…”
Don’t try to follow an apology with an explanation or excuse. “I’m sorry, but you misunderstood” or “I’m sorry, but you started it” – that “but” negates everything you said before it! If you have an explanation, save it for later. First, offer a genuine apology without those caveats.
8. “I’m sorry IF I offended you.”
That measly little “if” is a trap. It subtly places the blame back on them for being offended, instead of actually taking ownership for your words. A sincere apology focuses on acknowledging the harm your words caused, not on questioning whether the other person “should” feel that way.
9. “I apologize for any offense I may have caused.”
This is a step up from the “if I offended you” apology, but still a bit weak. While you’re acknowledging the possibility of offense, you’re not directly taking responsibility for hurting someone’s feelings. It’s a little too impersonal and doesn’t show genuine ownership.
10. Bringing up unrelated positive things they’ve done for you.
For example, “I’m sorry! But remember that time I helped you move?” or “I know I messed up, but you know I’d always have your back.” This is an attempt to deflect and distract from what you just said. It’s manipulating the situation by trying to evoke guilt instead of addressing the actual issue.
11. “Everyone else thinks that anyway, I just said it out loud.”
First, whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. Second, throwing others under the bus to save face is a terrible move. It makes you look petty and shows you’re more concerned about being “right” than preserving your connection with the person you hurt.
12. Going overboard with self-deprecating humor
A little humor can lighten the mood, but too much “I’m the worst person ever!” or a barrage of self-insults just becomes uncomfortable. It feels like you’re shifting focus – making the situation about you rather than the person you offended. Plus, excessive self-criticism doesn’t solve anything.
13. “This is why I don’t talk to people.”
Don’t do that thing where you make yourself the victim in the situation, WebMD advises. It implies that the person who’s hurt deserves blame for being too sensitive, or for bringing this upon themselves by engaging with you in the first place. Basically, it’s a way to avoid taking any responsibility.
14. “Forget I said anything.”
You can’t erase what happened. Trying to brush it off undermines the impact your words had and ignores the fact that you just caused real hurt. You can’t make it all go away, but you can choose to respond in a mature and empathetic way.
15. Demanding forgiveness.
“Fine, I’m sorry! Now can we move on?” or “Well, I said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?” Forgiveness is earned, not owed. It might happen in the moment, or it might take time. It’s perfectly okay for the person you hurt to need space to process their emotions.
16. Comparing your insult to worse things.
Phrases like, “At least I didn’t…” or “It’s not like I said…” minimize the other person’s experience. It’s another way of dismissing their feelings, and doesn’t help with the issue at hand. Right now, focus on the situation as it is, and the way your words caused pain.
17. Expecting everything to go back to normal instantly.
Even with a perfect apology, healing takes time. The conversation might end awkwardly, and the other person might need space. Respect their process, and if there’s a genuine desire to repair the friendship, give it time. Forcing instant “normalcy” can feel dismissive of the emotional work they now need to do.
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