Navigating the parent-adult child relationship can be a delicate dance, filled with love, support, and sometimes a little bit of cringe. As parents, our intentions are often good, but certain phrases can strike a nerve with our grown-up kids, leaving them feeling misunderstood or even a bit resentful. Here are some things to avoid saying to your adult children, to keep the relationship smooth and supportive.
1. “I told you so.”
This classic phrase, often uttered with a smug sense of satisfaction, is a surefire way to make your adult child roll their eyes. Even if you were right, rubbing it in their face won’t help them learn or grow. Instead, offer support and guidance, and let them figure things out on their own.
2. “Why aren’t you married yet?”
For many adult children, questions about their relationship status can feel intrusive and insensitive. Marriage isn’t the only path to happiness, and asking this question can make them feel pressured or inadequate. Focus on celebrating their successes and supporting their life choices, regardless of their marital status.
3. “You should have children.”
Just like marriage, having children is a deeply personal decision. As Psychology Today points out, pressuring your adult child to have kids can create unnecessary stress and resentment. Instead, respect their choices and be supportive of their family planning decisions, whatever they may be.
4. “When I was your age…”
Comparing your child’s life experiences to your own can come across as dismissive and out of touch. The world has changed, and the challenges they face might be different from the ones you encountered. Instead of focusing on the past, offer them advice and guidance based on their current circumstances.
5. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
While you want to protect your child, constantly questioning their decisions can undermine their confidence and independence. Unless they’re in immediate danger, trust their judgment and allow them to learn from their own mistakes. Offer your support, but avoid trying to control their choices.
6. “Your [sibling/cousin/friend] is doing so much better than you.”
Comparisons are never helpful, and they can be especially hurtful when coming from a parent. Every person has their own unique path and timeline. Instead of focusing on how your child measures up to other people, celebrate their individual accomplishments and encourage them to strive for their own personal goals.
7. “You’re so [insert negative adjective].”
Negative labels can be incredibly damaging, especially when they come from a parent. Whether it’s “lazy,” “irresponsible,” or “selfish,” these words can stick with your child for years. Instead, focus on specific behaviors you’d like them to change, and offer constructive feedback in a loving and supportive way.
8. “You’re too sensitive.”
Dismissing your child’s feelings can make them feel invalidated and unheard. Everyone experiences emotions differently, and it’s important to respect their sensitivity. Instead of minimizing their feelings, try to understand their perspective and offer support and empathy.
9. “What are you going to do with that degree?”
Questioning the value of your child’s education can make them feel like you don’t believe in their abilities or support their career choices. Even if you’re concerned about their job prospects, it’s important to show confidence in their skills and encourage them to pursue their passions.
10. “You’re spending too much money.”
As adults, your children are responsible for their own finances. Lecturing them about their spending habits can be condescending and disrespectful. Unless they’re asking for financial help, trust them to manage their own money and make responsible choices.
11. “You need to lose weight/gain weight/change your appearance.”
Commenting on your child’s appearance can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to their self-esteem. Focus on their health and well-being, not their looks. Encourage them to make healthy choices, but avoid making them feel self-conscious about their appearance.
12. “Why can’t you be more like [sibling/cousin/friend]?”
As mentioned earlier, comparisons are never helpful. Pitting your child against others can create resentment and insecurity, warns Dr. Paul Jenkins. Instead, appreciate their unique qualities and encourage them to be the best version of themselves, not a carbon copy of someone else.
13. “You’re not trying hard enough.”
Accusing your child of not putting in enough effort can be demoralizing and discouraging. Instead of criticizing their work ethic, try to understand the challenges they’re facing and offer your support. Help them identify their strengths and weaknesses, and encourage them to develop strategies for improvement.
14. “I’m disappointed in you.”
While expressing disappointment can be a valid emotion, it’s important to do so constructively. Instead of focusing on the negative, explain why you’re disappointed and offer suggestions for how they can improve. Help them see it as an opportunity for growth, not a personal attack.
15. “You’re wasting your life.”
This statement is incredibly harsh and judgmental. Even if you disagree with your child’s lifestyle choices, it’s important to respect their autonomy and individuality. Instead of criticizing their life path, focus on offering support and guidance as they navigate their own journey.
16. “I wish you were more like…”
Wishing your child was different can make them feel rejected and unloved. Accept them for who they are, flaws and all. Celebrate their individuality and encourage them to embrace their unique qualities.
17. “I don’t like your [partner/friends].”
While you might have reservations about your child’s social circle, it’s important to express your concerns in a respectful and tactful way. Avoid making ultimatums or trying to control their relationships. Instead, try to get to know their friends and partner better, and offer your support and guidance as needed.
