Family can be complicated. Many of us love our family and want to do anything for them. However, when our family dynamics are toxic, it becomes challenging to deal with them. Because family is so important, it’s not as simple as just cutting them off. So, it’s crucial to know the signs that a family member is exhibiting toxic behavior to protect yourself and your peace of mind.
1. They’re negative and critical.
Toxic individuals tend to always look at the bad side of things, criticizing and nit-picking almost anything they can find. This can be criticizing the way you look or how you speak or even nitpicking your clothing choices or what you eat during the day. Many times, this is projected onto other people in the household—spouses, siblings, or even kids. They are not fully able to find joy or happiness in familial ties and situations, instead, they find ways to make them extremely hostile and uncomfortable.
2. They hold grudges.
Everyone makes mistakes, it’s a part of life. When you own up to your mistakes and apologize, people tend to move on. However, toxic family members hold grudges and refuse to “drop” whatever it is that you’ve done wrong in their eyes. They will also find ways to bring it up at inappropriate times to throw it in your face and embarrass you.
3. They don’t respect your privacy.
At home, everyone is entitled to some sense of privacy. Whether this is your bedroom, your phone, or a journal you write in, no one has the right to go snooping—even if they’re family. Toxic family members will invade your personal space to gain information on you that they can use later to their advantage.
4. They never admit when they’re wrong.
Toxic people hardly ever admit when they’re wrong and sparingly ever apologize. No matter how clear you make it when they hurt you or do something that is unkind, they will find a way to flip the situation on its head and blame you.
5. Physical violence of any kind occurs.
Physical violence is a tell-tale sign of toxic relationships and behavior. If a person cannot control themselves when angry and upset, and resorts to hitting, punching, or kicking—it screams toxic. It may not be physical violence towards you, necessarily. But, punching walls, kicking down doors, or even hitting items at home can be a sign of toxic family members.
6. They threaten to throw you out.
When you live at home with family members, someone is always the “one in charge.” This could be your parents, an uncle/aunt, grandparents, or even an older sibling. When things go badly and you aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, they tend to use this control over you by threatening to throw you out, leaving you with nowhere to go. This is classic toxic behavior, using their power to control you.
7. They judge your friends and significant others.
Toxic family members try to make you feel bad about yourself by judging who you surround yourself with. You can have the nicest friends in the world, or the most caring significant other, but they will find a way to make the relationships in your life negative. Any opportunity they find to tear you down, they will.
8. They try to control your finances.
Financial independence is very important. But, with toxic family members, they may try to tell you how and when to spend money or get you to loan them money when they’re in debt. If someone tries to control how you spend your money or even hold your money/withhold it from you, this is a form of toxic emotional abuse. They are trying to insert their dominance and control even more of your life.
9. They constantly compare you to others.
When a family member compares you to others—siblings, cousins—it’s a way to drag you down and showcase you aren’t “as good” as they are in their eyes. This is toxic and harmful because it gaslights you into thinking that you are less than others and, because of that, they don’t appreciate or love you as much.
10. They give you the silent treatment often.
The silent treatment may seem healthy and okay when things blow up, but in reality, it is a toxic coping mechanism. Family members need to speak and communicate for many reasons throughout the day—it’s unhealthy when they walk around their house ignoring you because they’re upset or angry.
11. They invalidate your feelings and emotions.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings—especially ones of pain and sadness. Toxic family members often try to tell you that having those feelings is wrong, and stupid—trying to make you feel badly about yourself for feeling them. If those feelings come about due to a disagreement with them, they’ll invalidate them even further.
12. They are extremely passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressive behavior can be seen when someone says “It’s fine,” but they are actually angry or upset—and, their behavior proves it. This can cause a lot of tension in the household with your family members. They can begin to harbor resentment and anger towards you without you even knowing because all along you thought that everything was “fine.”
13. They drain your energy.
If you feel exhausted and tired—mentally and emotionally—it’s probably because the person you’re dealing with is draining your energy. When you’re with family, you want to leave feeling happy, fulfilled and loved. Sometimes, it doesn’t always happen that way. Toxic family members can instead make you anxious and depressed, draining your energy.
14. They don’t respect your boundaries.
Family members who feel as though they are entitled to everything just because they are family are incredibly toxic. Some individuals put up boundaries to protect their energy and space. When someone infringes on these boundaries, it showcases that they are incapable of respecting your wishes and your terms. This can create an unhealthy environment because the more they push, the harder it is to keep your cool. Many times, when people can’t respect boundaries, arguments and hostility occur.
15. They don’t discipline, they punish.
For some adults and parents, there is a blurry line between discipline and punishment. There is nothing wrong with adults putting consequences in place for bad behavior, but they should be within reason. When a parent or adult gets carried away and constantly punishes a child, it can be toxic and unhealthy.
16. They lie to your face.
Any family member who lies to get what they want or is crazy about their authority over you will bend the truth to do so, and it’s a sure way to know they are toxic. Lies can be about small things, such as borrowing something from you or eating the leftovers in the fridge. But, they can be about big things, too, like going through your room or opening your mail. Any lie that a family member tells you has an agenda behind it.
17. They call you horrible names.
Name-calling is an emotional abuse tactic that people use to make their victims feel bad about themselves. They try to convince you that you are a bad person or even toxic when in reality, they, themselves are the toxic ones. It can lead to a lower sense of self-worth and can hurt your mental health overall.
