When you’re young, your relationships are mostly about chemistry. However, as you get a bit older and start thinking about the future, things get a little more serious. Here are some things that become non-negotiable in a partner as you get into your 30s and 40s.
1. Being On The Same Page About Kids
When you’re in college, you might not care about whether your fling wants kids or not, but being on the same page about children is non-negotiable once you’re in a serious relationship. It’s the biggest decision you will make in your life. Many women (and people with a uterus) don’t want to be strung along for years only to find out their partner wants to be child-free because there’s a timer over our heads.
2. Career Goals
You might not want a rich partner to rely on them, but if you hope to have a life together, then what you both do for a living is important. For example, one person might see being in a certain salary range as non-negotiable because there’s a standard of living they want, while someone else sees their partner having no work-life balance as a dealbreaker.
3. Spending Habits
If you’re not in a serious relationship, you might not be too concerned about your partner’s spending habits. Once you live together, it becomes a bigger deal. It’s not healthy for your partner to take or control your money according to Verywell Mind, but it will become a problem if you’re constantly covering rent or bills because they blow their entire paycheck on frivolous things the second they get paid.
4. Vices
While you’re not thinking too far ahead when you’re young, as you get older, you might start to think about how your partner’s vices will affect their health (or wallet) in the future. If you smoke, you might not care if your partner does too, but someone else will refuse to live in a house that smells like cigarettes.
5. Being Tidy
You might not have cared if their house was an absolute dumpster when you were in your early twenties, but if you’re thinking about moving into together, they better have their act together first. No one wants to be an unpaid maid for someone else’s adult child.
6. Communication Skills
Poor communication skills are annoying at any age. The older you get, the higher the stakes are. You can’t make major life decisions with a partner who gives the silent treatment whenever things don’t go their way.
7. Honesty
Like communication, a lack of honesty is annoying and hurtful at any age. If you’re building a life together, you would rather not be blindsided because your partner waited until you got married to let you know how much debt they’re really in.
8. Loyalty
Once you’re past your teenage years or early 20s, you’re more likely to be looking for a life partner than a fling. Being cheated on at any age is devastating, but more so when your lives are entwined.
9. Sexual Compatibility
Some people have high libidos and want to get intimate pretty often, and some people don’t. There’s nothing wrong with either, but they’re incompatible. Either the person with the high libido will feel rejected, or the person with the low one will feel pressured into doing things they don’t want to.
10. Reliability
When you get older, your partner is the person you rely on the most in your life. You need to know they have your best interests at heart and will help you navigate hard times. After all, your spouse becomes your next of kin. You need to know they’ll do right by you in an emergency.
11. Accountability
Nobody’s perfect, of course. However, mature couples understand that the most important thing is being accountable for your actions, owning up to them, and making amends. Denying doing something that they clearly did is insulting at any age, but for older couples, that behavior is embarrassing.
12. Ability To Respect Boundaries
Everyone in your life should be able to respect your boundaries. As you get older and consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner, their ability to respect boundaries can be a dealbreaker. You don’t want to marry someone who will smash cake in your face on your wedding day despite explicitly asking them not to.
13. World Views & Politics
You don’t need to agree on absolutely everything to be in a healthy, long-term relationship. With that said, you do need to be aligned on core beliefs or at least be willing to respect your partner’s perspective. It’s especially important to have these conversations if you want children. What religion, if any, you want to raise your kids with should be discussed before they’re born.
14. Ability To Compromise
Sometimes relationships involve compromise. It shows your partner that you respect their needs. This means that both parties need to show respect for the other person; it’s not fair if you’re constantly disappointed because you only ever do what your partner wants.
15. Lifestyle Habits
You don’t have to have the same hobbies or lifestyle, but mature couples know they need to be compatible. When you were young, you might not have cared if your partner was glued to their computer for at least two weeks whenever a new game came out, but if you live together and have kids, you have to be considerate of each other and work out a plan. It’s not that they can’t play that new game, but they can’t leave you to manage the kids alone either.
16. Sleep Habits
It’s not that night owls or morning people aren’t compatible, but these differences become more apparent when you live together and need to be discussed. According to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, not getting enough sleep is terrible for your well-being and physical health, not to mention your relationship, too. While you can’t make a night owl a morning person, if you’re living together, you’re going to have to set some ground rules (or sleep in separate bedrooms) like not waking the other person up because they went to bed at 4 am.
17. Life Plan
When you’re young, you should never sacrifice your career or education for anyone. Although the same applies to older couples, what you do with your life does impact the other person. Let’s say you want to move abroad; your partner needs to want to do that too. Otherwise, you have to ask yourself if the dream is something you can live with sacrificing or break up.
