Some people truly do seem incapable of putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They’re not just being thoughtless – there’s a coldness, an inability to even grasp what another person feels, and it’s super damaging in relationships! Spotting these traits early saves you heartache. Here are some of the red flags to be on the lookout for.
1. They never truly apologize, or any apology is super self-focused.
They say stuff like, “I’m sorry you felt that way,” or “I’m sorry, but…” In other words, they take zero responsibility for the hurt they caused. A genuine apology involves acknowledging the impact of your actions on someone else, which is something genuinely empathy-deficient people find nearly impossible.
2. They expect forgiveness instantly without any changed behavior.
That half-hearted “sorry” is just to get things back to normal for them. If you hold on to hurt feelings, expecting them to actually make amends, they get annoyed! In their minds, saying the word magically erased everything, and you’re being difficult by not immediately moving on. As PsychCentral explains, people forgive in their own time, and it’s not a process that can be rushed.
3. They get angry, not sad, when you express pain.
You open up about a loss, and they snap at you! Your emotions are an inconvenience to them. Feeling sad for you requires empathy, which is something they lack. Instead, your pain triggers defensiveness, or they try to shut the conversation down to avoid discomfort.
4. Your accomplishments or good news are met with a weird blankness.
Maybe a forced “that’s nice” comes your way, but no genuine enthusiasm. Deep down, they see it as competition. Your success doesn’t make them happy; it might even trigger insecurity on their part. Being able to celebrate others people is a sign of empathy and emotional security – they have neither.
5. They use your vulnerabilities as weapons against you later.
You confide in them during a tough time, and later it gets thrown back in your face during an argument. Trusting them feels unsafe because you know, deep down, that your pain is just a data point to be exploited if it ever benefits them.
6. They’re masters of deflection.
Call out bad behavior, and suddenly you’re the villain. They twist anything to avoid self-reflection. This tactic is exhausting! People with empathy may get defensive initially, but eventually can circle back and address issues. Someone without empathy is incapable of doing that inner work.
7. They minimize your feelings.
This denies the validity of your experience. It could be subtle, “Oh, it’s not that bad,” or straight-up gaslighting. It’s about control, but you get to decide how much something hurts, not them. If they constantly erase your emotional reality, that’s deeply unhealthy.
8. They see kindness as weakness, and exploit it.
Empathetic people help others because it’s the right thing to do. People without empathy see niceness as a soft target. They know you’re always willing to go the extra mile, and they absolutely take advantage, often twisting it to make you seem like the selfish one if you ever set a boundary.
9. They gossip and speak cruelly about other people, even “friends.”
If they trash-talk people behind their backs, they’ll 100% do it to you too! This shows a lack of basic compassion. Plus, it reveals that they see relationships transactionally – what can this person do for me? Trust is impossible with someone so focused on using and discarding others.
10. Emotional manipulation becomes their primary tool.
Guilt trips, playing the victim, withdrawing affection to get their way — these forms of emotional manipulation are all about control. Empathy allows for healthy negotiation and compromise. Someone lacking empathy isn’t interested in a real partnership, but rather making you serve their needs at any cost.
11. Conversations always circle back to them.
You try to vent about your day, and within minutes, they’ve made it about their problems. It’s not always malicious; they might truly struggle to focus on anyone but themselves for long. This makes true reciprocity in a relationship impossible – you give emotional support, but get none back.
12. They see the world in black-and-white terms – people are all good or all bad.
It’s hard for them to hold the complexity that everyone has flaws and good qualities. This means they either idealize someone (until the inevitable fall from the pedestal) or demonize you for the slightest mistake. This emotional roller-coaster is draining to be around!
13. They rarely express gratitude or see when you go out of your way for them.
Feeling appreciation requires being able to see things from the perspective of the person giving. Those without empathy have a skewed sense of entitlement. Your efforts are expected, not cherished, leading to a relationship built on resentment, not mutual caretaking.
14. They don’t tolerate being bored for even a second.
Downtime makes them antsy. They need constant external stimulation and get irritable if it’s not there for them. Empathetic people enjoy quiet moments alone or with loved ones. For the empathy deficient, those quiet moments force them to confront a void inside that they frantically try to fill.
15. They can be superficially charming, but it feels… off.
Mirroring the emotions of those around them is a skill they learn to compensate for their lack of genuine empathy. However, something feels forced about it. Their charisma is deployed to get something, then discarded when not useful. Pay attention to that spidey-sense; it’s picking up on the calculation beneath the performance.
16. They really can’t handle deep conversations about feelings.
provided by iStock
Talking about feelings is vulnerable. True empathy allows you to sit with someone else’s complex inner world, offering support. Someone without this capacity will shut it down quickly. They may get fidgety, change the subject, or even mock you for expressing yourself.
17. Their eyes are cold when you’re upset.
Empathy has a physical component — we feel a flicker of another person’s pain. This often shows in the eyes. With someone devoid of empathy, you’ll see a blankness instead. It’s unnerving, even if you can’t quite articulate why in the moment.
18. They lack remorse, even when their actions have caused serious harm.
Empathy means recognizing that your choices have consequences for others. Someone severely lacking this capacity may simply not care, or if it benefits them, actively enjoy the power of making others suffer. This coldness is the most chilling hallmark of them all.
Enjoy this piece? Give it a like and follow PsychLove on MSN for more!
