Seeing someone you love hurting because of a divorce is tough. You want to help, to offer comfort, but sometimes the things we say in an attempt to be supportive can come out all wrong. Here are some common phrases to avoid to make sure you’re truly being the support system your loved one needs.
1. “I knew this marriage wouldn’t last.”
Hindsight is 20/20, and telling someone this adds insult to injury. They’re already feeling a sense of failure, this highlights it further. Even if you truly did see red flags they didn’t, now is not the time to point them out. What they need now is compassion, not an “I told you so.”
2. “You’ll be so much happier now.”
Even if the marriage was incredibly toxic, the end is still a major loss, The Atlantic points out. They might be filled with grief, anger, and fear about the future. Telling them they’ll be happier minimizes the complex, painful emotions they’re currently experiencing and might make them feel guilty for not feeling instant relief.
3. “At least you don’t have kids.” (Or any variation of trying to find the silver lining)
This is incredibly dismissive of their pain. Divorce is traumatic with or without kids involved. Trying to minimize their loss because it “could be worse” makes them feel like their feelings aren’t valid. Grief isn’t a competition, and right now they just need their pain acknowledged.
4. “You’ll find someone else in no time.”
They’re likely not ready to even think about dating for a long time. This statement ignores the very real grief they’re experiencing over the loss of this relationship. Right now, they need space to process, not reassurances about a hypothetical future partner.
5. “Think how awful it would be to stay with someone you don’t love.”
While logically true, in the early stages of grief they might not be able to see the bigger picture. They could still be wrestling with feelings of guilt, what-ifs, and might miss their ex, even if the relationship wasn’t healthy. Saying this invalidates those complex emotions.
6. “Everything happens for a reason.”
When someone is in the thick of pain, these kinds of clichés feel empty and unhelpful. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Sometimes, just listening and saying “This really sucks, I’m so sorry” is far more supportive.
7. Giving unsolicited advice, even if well-meaning
Right now they likely feel overwhelmed and confused. Unsolicited advice about lawyers, finances, etc., adds to the pressure. Unless they specifically ask, focus on providing emotional support. Practical advice can come later.
8. Spouting negative stereotypes about men or women
Going through a painful divorce is likely to make someone very sensitive. Sweeping negative generalizations about gender will only make them feel more hopeless. Even if meant as lighthearted, it comes across as insensitive and dismissive of their specific pain.
9. Sharing gory details about your own divorce or other people’s divorces
While commiserating can be helpful down the road, when they’re in the raw early stages, hearing horror stories will likely increase their anxiety and fear of the future. It’s okay to share that you also went through a divorce and came out okay on the other side (much later), but spare them the graphic details for now.
10. Badmouthing their ex-spouse, even if you dislike them too
They likely have a lot of mixed emotions about their ex: anger, sadness, maybe even residual love. While it’s tempting to side with them and fuel the anger, this can backfire. They might later feel the need to defend their ex or have regrets about you speaking badly about the other parent of their children (if they exist).
11. “You need to just get over it and move on.”
Per the National Center for PTSD, grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Rushing the healing process will only make them feel isolated and like something is wrong with them for not being able to instantly “move on”. Let them know there’s no deadline for feeling better, and you’ll support them on whatever messy rollercoaster their healing journey takes.
12. “You seem fine…”
Just because they’re managing to function somewhat doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting deeply. Divorce brings up a lot of shame. They might be putting on a brave face for the sake of kids, work, or to avoid worrying others. This comment can make them feel like their pain isn’t being taken seriously.
13. “Are you sure you tried everything to save the marriage?”
Second-guessing their decision adds to feelings of guilt and self-doubt that they’re likely already battling. Unless they bring up regrets, trust that they made the best decision they could at the time.
14. “Just be glad you don’t have to deal with them anymore!”
While the relationship might have been bad, that doesn’t erase shared history. There will likely be moments where they miss their ex or the dream of what they thought they had. This statement dismisses those complex emotions and might make them feel guilty for grieving any aspect of the loss.
15. Offering comparisons to other types of loss or pain.
Saying things like “At least no one died” or “Be grateful for your health” completely invalidates the specific pain of divorce. Grief isn’t a competition, and their pain deserves just as much space and validation as any other type of loss.
16. Taking sides or demanding they cut their ex out of their life.
Unless there’s abuse involved, trying to dictate who they can or can’t remain in contact with is a bad idea. They likely have a complex mix of emotions, and navigating co-parenting, shared assets, or even mutual friends requires ongoing communication with their ex. Supporting them in setting healthy boundaries is good, demanding they burn bridges is not.
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