Today, we’re talking about something that’s way more common than anyone likes to admit: being financially controlled in your marriage. You know that pit in your stomach when you need to ask for money? That anxiety about checking your own bank account? Yeah, we need to deal with that. Here’s your game plan for taking back your financial power, one step at a time.
1. Wake Up and Smell the Control
First things first: let’s call it what it is. If you’re getting the third degree over a Target run, if you’re hiding receipts like they’re criminal evidence, or if you’re asking permission to buy basics like it’s 1952—honey, that’s financial control. It’s not “being responsible,” it’s not “being protective,” and it’s definitely not normal. Your partner isn’t your parent, and your paycheck isn’t their personal piggy bank. Sometimes the hardest part is admitting there’s a problem, but you can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge.
2. Time for The Talk
Look, nobody loves confrontation, but sometimes you’ve got to put on your big girl pants and speak up. Skip the accusations (even if they’re totally justified) and go with “I feel” statements instead: “I feel like a teenager asking for allowance when I need to buy groceries” hits different than “You’re a controlling jerk.” The goal isn’t to start World War III—it’s to open up a dialogue about what’s really going on. Pick a time when you’re both calm and can actually talk things through without interruption. Remember, you’re opening a conversation, not dropping a bomb, so keep breathing and stay focused on expressing your feelings clearly.
3. Get Your Finance On
Time to become your own money expert, and no, you don’t need an actual degree for this. Don’t know what a mutual fund is? Google it. Never balanced a checkbook? YouTube’s got you covered like butter on toast. Your partner’s been playing keeper of the knowledge long enough—it’s time for you to learn the game. Start small with basic budgeting and work your way up to understanding investments and retirement planning. Every bit of financial knowledge you gain is like adding another brick to your independence wall.
4. Demand the Financial 411
No more mystery money moves in this house, partner. If your name’s on those accounts (spoiler: it should be), you have every right to know what’s going down with your dollars. Time to see those bank statements, credit card bills, and investment accounts—all of them, not just the ones they want you to see. If your partner gets squirrely about sharing this info, that’s a red flag. Don’t accept vague answers or deflections; you’re entitled to know exactly where your family’s money is and how it’s being used.
5. Open Your Own Account
Listen up, because this one’s crucial: get your own bank account. Like, yesterday. It doesn’t matter if it starts with $5—what matters is that it’s yours. No joint signers, no shared passwords, just your own little financial kingdom where you make the rules. Think of it as your oxygen mask in case of emergency: you’ve got to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. Don’t announce it, don’t debate it, just do it—and make sure it’s at a completely different bank than any joint accounts.
6. Create a Budget Buddy System
Time to turn those money monologues into a dialogue. Grab some snacks, open up a spreadsheet (or just grab paper and pen), and get ready to plan your finances together like actual partners. No more mysterious money decisions made in secret—everything goes on the table, from the electric bill to that questionable Amazon Prime addiction. Make sure your needs and wants are represented in that budget just as much as theirs. If they resist, remind them that marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
7. Draw Your Money Boundaries
Stop apologizing for buying necessities or asking permission to spend your own money. Practice saying phrases like “I don’t need approval for basic purchases” and “I’m capable of managing my own spending” until they roll off your tongue easier than your coffee order. Write these boundaries down if you need to, and stick to them like they’re the last piece of chocolate in the house. Remember, boundaries aren’t mean—they’re necessary for your mental health and financial dignity.
8. Get a Money Mediator
Sometimes you need a professional referee in your financial fight ring, and that’s where financial counselors or therapists come in. They’re like personal trainers for your money relationship—they’ll help you work out those financial power imbalances and communicate better about cash. Find someone who specializes in financial therapy or couples counseling with a focus on money issues. Your partner might resist at first, but frame it as investing in your marriage (because it is). Besides, it’s usually cheaper than a divorce.
9. Build Your Financial Fan Club
Stop keeping this struggle to yourself like it’s a secret. Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can support you through this journey. You’d be surprised how many people have dealt with similar situations and can offer advice or just a sympathetic ear. Create your own little support network of people who get it. Having cheerleaders in your corner can make all the difference when you’re working on changing long-standing patterns.
10. Start Your Paper Trail
Keep records of everything—texts about money, emails about shared expenses, notes from conversations about finances. Save them somewhere your partner can’t access, like a password-protected cloud account or a friend’s house. Take screenshots of account balances and save statements when you can. Document patterns of control or financial decisions made without your input. Think of it like building your own evidence wall, but hopefully, you’ll never need to use it.
11. Find Your Own Money
Whether it’s a part-time job, a side hustle, or selling those crafts you’ve been making, start generating your own income stream. Even if it’s small at first, having your own money is like having your own pair of wings—it gives you options and freedom you didn’t have before. Don’t advertise how much you’re making if you don’t want to—just quietly build your nest egg. Look for opportunities that fit your schedule and skills, and remember that every dollar you earn is a dollar toward your independence.
12. Get Educated About Financial Abuse
Knowledge is power, and understanding what you’re dealing with is half the battle. Start reading up on financial abuse and control—what it looks like, how it works, and how to combat it. Join online forums or support groups where people share their experiences and strategies. Learn the difference between normal financial disagreements and actual control tactics. Understanding the bigger picture helps you see your situation more clearly and gives you tools to deal with it. Remember, financial abuse thrives in silence and isolation.
13. Celebrate Small Victories
Every step forward is worth celebrating, no matter how small it seems. Did you open your own account? Pop some sparkling cider! Set your first boundary? That deserves a victory dance! Started tracking expenses? Treat yourself to something special (within budget, of course). Keep a list of your progress and refer to it when you’re feeling discouraged. Remember that changing financial patterns happens gradually but surely. Each small win builds momentum for bigger changes.
14. Get Tech Savvy with Your Money
Time to embrace the digital age like it’s your new best friend. Download banking apps, set up your own digital wallet, and learn about secure password managers for all your financial accounts. Create new email addresses that your partner doesn’t know about specifically for your financial correspondence. Make sure your phone has a solid passcode and fingerprint lock that only you can access. Consider getting a separate phone line or prepaid phone for sensitive financial calls. Remember, in 2024, your financial freedom often depends on your digital security.
15. Build Your “Just in Case” Box
Create what I like to call a “freedom file”—a collection of everything you might need if things go south. We’re talking copies of birth certificates, social security cards, marriage licenses, recent tax returns, and any other important documents that would be a pain to replace. Keep an emergency credit card hidden somewhere safe (not in your usual wallet), and maybe stash some cash where only you can find it. Start collecting points or miles in your own rewards account that nobody else can access. Hopefully, you’ll never need it, but you’ll sleep better knowing it’s there.
16. Know Your Worth (and No, We’re Not Talking Net Worth)
Here’s the truth bomb to end all truth bombs: your value isn’t measured by your bank account or your partner’s permission to spend money. You deserve financial dignity and respect, full stop. No amount of control or manipulation can change that fundamental truth. Keep reminding yourself that wanting financial independence doesn’t make you greedy or difficult—it makes you normal and healthy. Your future self will thank you for being brave enough to take these steps now.
