As nice as it can be in many ways, having an adult child living at home can also be… a challenge. You love them, of course, but it might be time for them to spread their wings and fly the nest. If you’re ready to nudge them out the door, here are some tips that can help, without totally ruining the parent-child relationship!
1. Have an honest conversation about expectations.
First things first, sit down with your adult child and have a real heart-to-heart. Don’t beat around the bush. It’s important to communicate your expectations for when they might move out, whether they need to start paying rent, and how they can help while still living at home. This conversation won’t always be easy, but open and clear communication is key. As BetterHelp explains, it’s important that you stop enabling your grown child and instead encourage them gently but firmly to become more independent.
2. Set a realistic timeline (and stick to it).
Avoid vague statements like “It’d be nice if you moved out sometime soon.” Give your child a concrete deadline by which you’d like them to be living independently. Be reasonable, maybe a few months to give them time to find a place and save up some money. But once that date is set, don’t waver.
3. Help them with the logistics, but only up to a point.
It’s okay to help with things like apartment hunting, job searches, or budgeting skills at the start, but don’t take over entirely. Remember, the goal is for your child to gain independence, and that includes the hard work of figuring out these adult tasks themselves. Make it clear that you’re there for advice and support, not to do the heavy lifting for them.
4. Don’t make their life at home too comfortable.
If you’re still doing their laundry, cooking all their meals, and cleaning up after them, well, why would they want to leave? Start phasing out those services – they can do their own chores, and it might even motivate them to find their own space if home isn’t as cozy as it used to be. After all, once they get their own place, they’ll have to do these things for themselves. Starting now gives them some practice.
5. Consider charging rent.
If your child has a job, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be contributing financially. Charging a reasonable rent amount can provide the push they need. Plus, it helps them practice budgeting and build savings for their future move. Some parents kindly choose to keep this money in a separate account to help towards a house deposit when the child moves out, but that may not be financially feasible (or desirable) for you, so make the best decision for your individual circumstances.
6. Don’t fall for guilt trips.
Adult children can be masters of emotional manipulation. They might play the “you don’t love me” card or make you feel like a bad parent, but stay strong! Remember, sometimes tough love is what’s needed for them to ultimately grow and thrive.
7. Prepare yourself for some pushback.
This process won’t always be smooth sailing. Your child might get angry, refuse to cooperate, or give you a thousand excuses, therapist Karen Phillip warns. It’s important to stand firm in your expectations while also being empathetic to their emotions. Remember, any change can be scary.
8. Be supportive but firm.
Let your child know that you believe in their ability to live on their own and have a successful life. Offer encouragement and praise them when they take steps towards independence. That said, don’t cave to their demands or let them slide back into old patterns.
10. Create a plan together, if they’re willing.
If open to it, involve your adult child in the plan for moving out. Help them set achievable goals, like saving a certain amount by a certain date, or visiting a set number of apartments each week. This helps them feel like they have some ownership of the process, making it less of a battle.
11. Celebrate the small wins.
Did they get a job interview? Save a chunk of money? Look at an apartment? Acknowledge and celebrate those milestones! Progress takes time, and positive reinforcement can go a long way in keeping them motivated and confident.
12. Suggest resources for support.
There are resources available to help young adults with things like financial planning, job training, and even finding affordable housing. Let your child know what’s out there to help if they’re feeling overwhelmed – sometimes having an outside source of advice can make all the difference.
13. If possible, offer a “soft landing.”
For some, the fear of the unknown is a major obstacle, so try to think about ways to soften the transition. Can they keep some things in storage at your place? Can you help with a security deposit? Knowing they have support available can make the leap less intimidating.
14. Know when to cut the cord.
If your adult child is completely resistant, refuses to make any effort, or becomes abusive, sometimes a harsh reality check is needed. Changing the locks or giving them an eviction notice might be a drastic step, but for your own sanity, sometimes it’s necessary.
15. Seek advice if the situation is complicated.
Sometimes, enabling comes from your own guilt or anxiety. Having an adult child at home might be comforting for reasons you need to explore yourself. If deeper issues are at play, consider therapy to work through it and ensure you aren’t inadvertently sabotaging your child’s growth out of your own fears.
16. Remember, it’s their life to live.
This whole process is about helping your child step into their own power. You can guide them, support them, and nudge them along. Ultimately though, the choices are theirs. Accept that you can’t control their journey, and try to find peace in knowing you equipped them the best you could.
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