In a healthy relationship, there’s love, support, trust, and most importantly, respect. If you truly respect your partner, there are some things you should never say to them, no matter how high your emotions are running. Not all of these things are impossible to forgive, but they’re all hurtful and can leave your partner feeling insecure for years.
1. “I wish I never met you.”
There are a lot of things you can say to your partner that will elicit a negative response, but perhaps nothing is worse than this. Saying you wish you never met someone you love means you don’t value any of the good times you had with them. You’re not angry at a specific behavior or situation — you’re clearly trying to hurt the other person when you say this, and it will probably be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
2. “You’ve gained weight.”
Many people have body image insecurities, so to hear that you’ve gained weight from your partner can be very hurtful. Even if you say it in a joking manner, it can have a hugely negative effect on your partner’s mental health. If you are legitimately concerned about a loved one’s weight gain, try phrasing it in another way, Health.gov suggests. You can even start going to the gym and ask if they want to come with you. That way, you aren’t saying something about their weight directly, but it gives them the opportunity to get healthy.
3. “You’re crazy.”
This is a classic comment in relationships that can cause them to start to deteriorate. When you tell your partner that they’re crazy, it implies that their judgment is terrible and that they’re disconnected from reality. It’s also outright rude. Rather than calling someone crazy, try to take the time to see where they’re coming from so that you can find common ground.
4. “You’re acting like your mom/dad.”
People have different types of relationships with their parents. Some unconditionally love the people who raised them until the day they die, but most people have more complex relationships. If you tell your partner that they’re acting like their mother or father, there are very few scenarios where you mean it in a complimentary manner. If they don’t get along with their parent, they’ll be incredibly upset and even offended by this comparison. Not only that, but they might not like you talking poorly about their family members, even though they have a complex relationship.
5. “You’re being emotional and shouldn’t be angry about this.”
Telling someone that they’re overly emotional invalidates their feelings, which are real and important. While people can certainly overreact to things at times, it’s extremely rude to undermine how they’re feeling. Plus, when you tell someone that they’re being emotional or shouldn’t be angry about something, they’re more likely to get angrier about the situation.
6. “You don’t turn me on anymore.”
Compatibility in the bedroom is important in most romantic relationships. It’s no wonder, then, that hearing that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore is one of the most devastating things to hear. Not only could it destroy this relationship, but it could make you question your attractiveness in future relationships. If you’re truly not turned on by your partner anymore, it’s better to break up with them now than hurt them even worse by lingering in an unhappy relationship that will be doomed to end at some point anyway.
7. “I don’t care.”
Nothing is more frustrating is hearing that a loved one doesn’t care when you bring up a problem. It can stimulate a fear of abandonment and erode the relationship over time. Even if you don’t mean it, try to refrain from using this phrase with your partner.
8. “Your parents are the reason for…”
If you’re in a relationship with someone whose parents don’t like or approve of you, it’s easy to shift the blame for fights on to them. Even if you are right to blame your partner’s parents for a problem, doing so takes away their agency. Additionally, if they grew up with a difficult family situation, they might still be dealing with after-effects from their childhood. Even if you truly believe your partner’s parents are a huge issue, you should not bring it up in this manner.
9. “I hate you.”
This one doesn’t need much explanation, but it does warrant saying: you should never tell a loved one you hate them. You might be angry, hurt, disappointed, or any other emotion, but “hate” is a strong word, and one that often can’t be taken back. Hearing a loved one say they hate you (even if they don’t really mean it) is incredibly hurtful. Even after tempers calm, your loved one might have doubts about the relationship.
10. “You never…”
It’s tempting to say this when your partner isn’t doing something. They never help clean the kitchen. They never pay for dinner when you go on a date. They never initiate intimacy. People say these things out of frustration, and it can be very upsetting to hear. The reason this is a bad thing to say is it’s a generalized statement that discredits the times they have done it. Instead, speak about your needs by leading with “I” statements, Verywell Mind suggests.
11. “What have you ever done for me?”
This is another phrase that can wrap around your partner like a hurtful blanket. This is because when you say it, you’re implying that they have no good intentions for you. You’re essentially telling them that they take everything in the relationship but don’t give anything. It trivializes the sacrifices they make that you might not even notice.
12. “I wish our relationship was like [insert other couple you know].”
Every relationship is different, and to compare yours to someone else’s can cause resentment and jealousy. Saying you wish your relationship was like a friend’s or parent’s can be extremely hurtful. Comparing your relationship to any other is an expression of unhealthy competition and can push your partner to the point where they feel threatened, and they aren’t enough for you.
13. “You were a mistake.”
The temptation to say this to your partner arises when doubts about the relationship start to appear in your mind. However, it’s a surefire way to ensure it won’t last. Not only that, but it will ruin any chance of maintaining a relationship with your partner after you break up. It implies that you don’t appreciate the good times you had with your partner, and the bad times far outweigh them. It says that you were better off having never met the person, and there’s nothing worse you can say to a loved one.
14. “It’s your fault that this is happening.”
When you tell your partner that something is their fault, you shift the blame for an outcome onto them. Not only that, but you absolve yourself of any blame in a situation and put everything on them. It’s unfair in most situations, and even if it’s true, they probably know it and don’t need you harping on them about it.
15. “You are so selfish.”
Everyone is selfish sometimes. No one is perfect, and in a relationship, there will be times when both people are a bit self-centered. It’s not a good look for anyone, but you shouldn’t be so harsh in your response. Telling someone that they’re selfish implies that they’re always selfish and never think of others. Instead, you can say they’re acting selfishly because it emphasizes one thing.
16. “My ex would do this for me.”
Some couples are comfortable talking about exes, but many aren’t. Even if you’re comfortable talking about them, you should never compare your partner to them. Definitely don’t do it in the bedroom or during a fight. Saying your ex would do something for you is only done to cause jealousy and make your partner feel insecure.
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