Covert abuse is tricky because it’s literally designed to be hidden. This makes it hard to spot, but its damage is very real. If you find yourself questioning whether someone’s behavior is actually abusive, pay attention to whether they’re using sneaky tactics to manipulate and control you. If so, that’s emotional abuse, plain and simple. Here are 16 red flags to watch out for.
1. They make you question yourself.
Imagine feeling constantly confused, doubting your own instincts, and questioning your sanity. According to Psychology Today, that’s the reality for victims of emotional abuse. Your partner might make you feel this way by twisting your words, denying what they said, or contradicting themselves. This isn’t an accident – it’s a tactic to gain control.
2. They act superior to you.
Does your partner think they know everything? Every situation is a chance for them to play professor, leaving you feeling like the clueless student. It’s not funny (and kind of arrogant), but they might even blame you for their mistakes – like you should’ve known better than to let them mess up! Their attitude problem is all about making you feel bad.
3. Their body language breaks you down.
According to Psych Central, someone who’s guilty of covert emotional abuse tends to be passive-aggressive. Although they might not tell you that they disagree with what you think, they’ll show you via their body language. For example, they might smirk or roll their eyes at you when you’re talking to make it clear that they think you’re ridiculous or worthy of scorn.
4. They distract you with a change of topic.
During conversation, someone guilty of covert emotional abuse might try to distract you from topics they don’t want to talk about. This is a way for them to avoid dealing with their issues and avoid criticism. It’s also a tactic to make you feel like your needs or thoughts don’t matter as much as theirs.
5. They try to get your sympathy.
Covert abusers often play the victim, constantly spinning tales of drama and sadness to get your sympathy. It’s a sneaky trick to make you feel bad for them, lowering your guard and making you easier to control. Beware – this “woe is me” act is typically followed by guilt trips to get their way.
6. They neg you.
Dealing with negging behavior can make your self-worth plummet. It’s a subtle way of criticizing you because the put-down is always combined with a compliment. For instance, they might say, “You look so much prettier with your hair down” or, “I don’t usually choose partners who look like you, but you’re awesome.”
7. They engage in circular conversations.
Circular conversations can be dizzying. The abuser will try to go around in circles to make you doubt yourself and the truth of what they’re saying. They might also repeat what they said after the end of an argument to exert their superiority, but it can also have the side effect of making you feel like you’re losing it.
8. They laugh off your feelings.
Emotional abusers have a knack for making you feel small, even when they’re subtle about it. Imagine sharing something painful, and instead of support, they offer a smirk. Or maybe they catch someone else’s eye and share a secret chuckle, just when you think you’re not looking. That’s not accidental – it’s calculated to hurt.
9. They say they’re “just kidding” an awful lot.
Abusive people love to put you down to make you feel bad about yourself. A classic example of this is when they insult you, then say they’re “just playing” or “just kidding.” Then, if you get mad, they’ll act like you’re the one to blame for being “too sensitive.”
10. Their apologies, when they actually give them, are fake.
Don’t trust a forced apology from an abuser. That mumbled “Fine! I’m sorry!” is just to end the argument, not out of genuine remorse. They might even add ridiculous conditions like, “I’ll apologize, but only if you stop being so dramatic.” Real apologies acknowledge hurt and don’t place blame back on you.
11. They switch from loving to moody in the blink of an eye.
You never know what you’re going to get with someone who’s emotionally abusive. They might not lose their temper or become an explosion of rage, but they’ll swing from one mood to the next quickly. This is unsettling because you never feel sure of what they’re going to be like on any given day. Because of this, you can never fully feel comfortable and relax in the relationship.
12. They’re aggressive with things you love.
Covert abusers can be sneaky. They might not hit you directly, but they lash out in other ways to hurt you. It could be your favorite vase getting “accidentally” broken during a fight, or those beautiful tulips you planted mysteriously getting trampled. Don’t be fooled – these “accidents” are a way to indirectly target you and your possessions.
13. They interrupt you all the time.
You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell a story, but your partner keeps barging in to talk about themselves? It’s like they can’t stand to let you finish a thought. That’s not just rude, it’s a form of emotional abuse – it belittles your feelings and makes you feel unimportant.
14. They speak on your behalf.
Ever feel like your partner constantly speaks for you? It’s frustrating! At a party, they might answer questions meant for you. At dinner, they order your meal as if your preferences don’t matter. This control tactic chips away at your confidence and can make you feel invisible.
15. They praise you in public.
The abuser wants to appear perfect in public, since their image is very important to them. They might build you up and praise you in front of others, then trash you with belittling comments in private.
16. They say you’re difficult to please.
“You’re difficult to please” is a classic line from an emotional abuser’s playbook. It’s designed to make you feel guilty and shift the blame onto you. Don’t accept it! If you find yourself questioning your happiness, ask yourself: is it really you, or is your partner intentionally making you feel that way?
