Whether it’s a new crush, an ex who did you wrong, or someone you’ve been hung up on for a while but know you can never be with, obsessing over them isn’t going to get you anywhere. Of course, forgetting about them and moving on with your life is a lot easier said than done. Here’s how to stop your fixation and focus your thoughts on things more worthy of your time and energy.
1. Limit or cut off contact, especially online.
It’s like ripping off a bandage; it’s painful at first, but it ultimately speeds up healing. Delete their number, unfollow them on social media, and archive those old texts. Every time you see their face pop up, your brain gets a dopamine hit that fuels the obsession. Constant reminders make it impossible to move on. If complete cut-off isn’t possible — say, for instance, you’re co-parents or co-workers — minimize contact to what’s strictly necessary. You’ll be glad you did!
2. Set time limits for thinking about them.
Trying to completely suppress thoughts makes them stronger, PsychCentral points out. Instead, say, “I’m giving myself 15 minutes to obsess, then I’m moving on.” Use a timer. When those 15 minutes are up, force yourself to change the channel in your brain, even if it feels difficult at first. This is about training your mind to recognize you’re in control, not the intrusive thoughts.
3. Redirect your focus with a distraction.
When you feel the obsessive thoughts creeping in, have an activity ready. Play your favorite video game, call a friend, or dive into a hobby you enjoy — anything that FULLY engages your attention. The goal is to replace obsessing with something that makes you feel good, or at least neutral. Over time, this practice breaks the habit of fixating on the person.
4. Challenge those obsessive thoughts.
Your brain might paint them as perfect, glossing over the bad parts when it’s an ex, or idealizing them if it’s a crush you barely know. Force yourself to list their flaws, the hurtful moments, or the reasons you’re not actually that compatible. This punctures the fantasy a bit, bringing you back down to reality.
5. Get physical!
Exercise is a lifesaver when your mind is out of control. Endorphins combat the anxiety that fuels obsession, moving energy through your body helps release pent-up emotions, and focusing on physical effort gives your brain a much-needed break. Plus, who doesn’t feel a bit stronger and better after a good workout? Channel that confidence!
6. Confide in a trusted friend, but set limits.
Venting can be helpful initially, but endlessly rehashing every detail keeps you trapped in the situation. Set boundaries with your well-meaning friend. Let them know you need to talk about it but agree on a time limit (15 minutes, then switch subjects), or that you’re only going to bring it up with them once a week. This keeps you from wallowing when what you really need is support for moving forward.
7. Fill your calendar with social plans.
Isolation breeds rumination. Force yourself to get out with friends or family, even when you don’t feel like it. Laughter, good conversation, and trying new things all remind you that there’s a vibrant life to be lived outside your obsession. Bonus points for making plans with people who won’t let you endlessly talk about the object of your fixation!
8. Focus on self-improvement in some area of your life.
Take all that emotional energy you’ve been wasting on them and channel it into YOU. Start that fitness challenge, declutter your house, learn a new skill, volunteer…anything that gives you a sense of accomplishment and reminds you how capable you are. Shift that obsessive focus onto making yourself better, not fixating on a person who might not even deserve a speck of your attention.
9. Practice mindfulness or meditation.
Becoming aware of your thoughts without judgment gives you a tool to manage them. Mindfulness apps are a great place to start if you’re new to this. It’s about noticing, “Oh, there’s that thought again,” then gently letting it drift away. This teaches you that you are not your thoughts, and they don’t have to control you.
10. Date yourself.
If a big part of the obsession is loneliness, focus on creating a fulfilling solo life. Take yourself to that movie you’ve been meaning to see, explore a new part of town, try a cooking class…treat yourself with the same love and attention you wish someone else would. Learning to enjoy your own company fills the void in a healthy way!
11. If you’re fixated on an ex, focus on the bad times.
Our brains love to romanticize the past, forgetting all the fights, disappointments, and incompatibilities, SELF notes. Make a list of every negative thing about them and the relationship. Read it when you find yourself romanticizing what you lost. This counters those rose-tinted glasses trying to trick you into thinking it was better than it was.
12. Remind yourself of your worth (unrelated to this person).
Obsessing erodes self-esteem. Make a list of your positive qualities, accomplishments, things people love about you – completely separate from the person you’re fixated on. Read it daily. Reconnecting with your awesomeness makes it easier to recognize that you deserve someone amazing, not someone you have to obsess over.
13. Embrace the discomfort.
This obsession likely provides a twisted sense of comfort. The anxiety of it, weirdly, is familiar. Change is scary! Recognize that letting go creates a void. Sit with the discomfort instead of rushing to fill it with distractions. Feel those tough emotions, let them pass through, and know that on the other side of this discomfort is freedom.
14. Seek professional help if needed.
If obsessing is disrupting your daily life, interfering with relationships, or deeply impacting your mental health, a therapist can help. They’ll teach you tools to manage obsessive thoughts and address any deeper issues that might fuel this tendency. No shame in getting support; it’s a sign of strength to ask for help when you need it!
15. Be patient with yourself.
Breaking an obsessive thinking pattern takes time. Don’t get discouraged by setbacks! Some days you’ll rock this, others the thoughts will feel overwhelming. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Each time you redirect your focus, each act of self-compassion, each time you resist the urge to check their social media is a victory, no matter how small it seems in the moment.
16. Create a vision for the future that doesn’t include them.
What do you want your life to look like without having them occupy so much mental real estate? Maybe it’s travel, a new career path, picking up an old hobby you dropped — whatever it is, dream big! Focus on building that awesome life, and their importance fades naturally. When you’re chasing exciting goals of your own, suddenly it’s a lot less appealing to sit around obsessing over someone else.
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