We’ve all heard about physical affairs, but emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a relationship—and sometimes even more so. The tricky part? You might not even realize you’re in one. Here are 16 clues that you could be crossing the line into emotional affair territory.
1. You’re keeping your interactions a secret
If you’re deleting texts, hiding social media interactions, or lying about when you’ve seen or spoken to this person, alarm bells should be ringing. Ask yourself: why do you feel the need to hide this relationship? If there’s nothing inappropriate going on, there should be no reason to keep it under wraps. The moment you start concealing things from your partner, you’re creating a separate world that excludes them—and that’s dangerous territory.
2. You find excuses to be around them or communicate with them
Are you suddenly volunteering for projects they’re involved in at work? Or maybe you’re finding reasons to text them outside of necessary communication? It might start innocently enough—a quick check-in here, a “random” run-in there—but over time, these manufactured encounters can build into something more serious.
3. You’re defensive about the relationship
If your partner or friends express concern about your relationship with this person, how do you react? If you get unusually defensive, dismissive, or angry, it might be because deep down, you know there’s some truth to their concerns. A platonic friendship shouldn’t provoke such a strong emotional response. Your defensiveness might be a way of protecting something that you know, on some level, has grown beyond friendship.
4. You’re feeling guilty
Here’s the thing about guilt—it often shows up when we know we’re doing something wrong, even if we’re not ready to admit it to ourselves. If you’re feeling guilty about your interactions with this person, or if you feel the need to justify the relationship to yourself, it’s probably because you recognize that you’re crossing lines. Listen to that guilt—it’s your conscience.
5. You’re dressing up or paying extra attention to your appearance for them
Suddenly putting on that special cologne or spending an extra 20 minutes on your hair before seeing them? It’s one thing to want to look presentable, but it’s another to go above and beyond for someone who’s supposedly “just a friend.” If you’re choosing outfits based on what you think they’ll like, or if you’re making more of an effort for them than for your partner, it’s a sign that this relationship might mean more to you than you’re admitting.
6. You’re sharing more with them than with your partner
If you’re spilling your guts to this person about things you haven’t even told your significant other, that’s a big clue. Are you telling them your deepest fears, your biggest dreams, or your most embarrassing moments? If you’re reserving your most vulnerable self for this person instead of your partner, that’s not a great sign.
7. You fantasize about them
A little daydreaming now and then is normal. But if you’re regularly imagining romantic scenarios or more—ahem—physical encounters with this person, you’re crossing a line. These fantasies are more than just innocent thoughts, they’re a sign that you’re already being unfaithful on an emotional level.
8. You’re overly concerned with their opinion
Constantly wondering what they’ll think about your decisions, your appearance, or your ideas? When their approval starts to matter more than your partner’s (or even your own), it’s a sign that you’re too emotionally invested. This preoccupation with their opinion can lead you to change your behavior or make decisions based on what you think will impress or please them, rather than what’s best for you or your primary relationship.
9. You’re creating private jokes or sharing special moments
Inside jokes and shared experiences are part of what builds intimacy between people. If you’re developing a secret language of sorts with this person—references that only the two of you understand, or special moments that you cherish—you’re creating a private world that excludes your partner.
10. You’re prioritizing their needs over your partner’s
You’re dropping everything to help this person out, even when it inconveniences your partner, or maybe you’re spending more time and energy solving their problems than addressing issues in your own relationship. When you start putting their needs ahead of your partner’s, it’s a sign that your priorities have shifted.
11. You’re experiencing physical reactions when you see or talk to them
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Get butterflies in your stomach when they walk into the room? Does your heart race when you see their name pop up on your phone? These physical reactions are your body’s way of telling you that this isn’t just a casual friendship. The excitement, nervous energy, and physical attraction you feel are similar to the early stages of falling in love. If your body is reacting this way, it’s time to take a serious look at the nature of your feelings.
12. You’re not fully present in your relationship
Even when you’re physically with your partner, do you find your mind wandering to the other person? Are you checking your phone more often, hoping for a message from them? This mental absence can be just as damaging as physical absence. If you’re struggling to be fully present and engaged when you’re with your partner because thoughts of the other person are intruding, it’s a clear sign that this other relationship has taken on too much importance.
13. You’re starting to imagine a future with them
This might start innocently enough—maybe you catch yourself wondering what it would be like to date them or imagining how they’d fit into your life in a different capacity. But if you’re seriously contemplating a future where this person plays a more significant role, especially one that doesn’t include your current partner, you’re definitely in emotional affair territory.
14. You compare your partner to them (and your partner doesn’t measure up)
This is a big one. If you find yourself thinking, “Why can’t my partner be more like them?” or “They understand me so much better than my partner does,” you’re in dangerous waters. It’s natural to notice differences between people, but when you’re consistently finding your partner lacking in comparison to this other person, it’s a sign that your emotional investment is shifting. Remember, you’re seeing this other person in a limited context, often showing their best side. It’s not a fair comparison to your partner.
15. You’re losing interest in other friendships
When you’re involved in an emotional affair, it can become all-consuming. You might find that you’re not as interested in spending time with other friends or maintaining other relationships. This person becomes your primary focus, and other social connections start to fall by the wayside. This isolation can be dangerous, as it leaves you even more emotionally dependent on the person you’re having the affair with.
16. You find yourself wondering, “What if?”
Finally, if you’re reading this list and finding yourself relating to many of these points, you might be wondering, “What if this is an emotional affair?” The very fact that you’re questioning it is significant. People in purely platonic friendships don’t typically worry about whether they’re crossing lines. If you’re concerned that your relationship might be inappropriate, it probably is.
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