Some people make knowing everyone’s business their business. They love to go shopping for details in other people’s lives, no matter how personal or private. No question is off-limits or inappropriate for them. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to tell these kinds of people where to shove their unwanted curiosity, no matter how badly you might want to. So here are some witty responses to nosy questions that you can use to put them in their place and shut down intrusive inquiries about your love life once and for all.
1. “Invasive, aren’t we?”
Say this while smirking and staring straight at them, then watch them fold quickly, give an awkward smile, and rush to change the subject. It’s a great way to remind people who love asking deeply personal questions that they’re being a little too inquisitive about things that don’t concern them.
2. “Are you writing a book?”
Maybe they’ve been contracted to write a memoir about your life or love and relationships in the modern era — you’d just like to know either way. This usually puts an end to the nosy questions, but some people might try to be cheeky back by responding affirmatively. In this case, you can keep the repartee going by telling them to make the book a mystery.
3. “I signed up for five dating apps last week, and I’m looking to join more. Any suggestions?”
Save this for the next time someone asks you whether you’re still single. Try infusing your voice with as much exasperation and innocent curiosity as you can muster when responding. Feel free to go the extra mile and describe in exaggerated detail all the “desperate” steps you’re taking to ensure you find a partner.
4. “I’m exercising my right to have secrets.”
I love using this whenever I’m at a party and some stranger or casual acquaintance assumes that sharing jokes and playing games over drinks entitles them to ask me really personal questions about my love or intimate life. Some life details are just not for public consumption, so I like to invoke my right to keep my business to myself.
5. “You’re free to assume anything you want. “
If you’re queer, single, polyamorous, or just not interested in talking about your sexuality, relationship status, or dynamics with nosy outsiders, take a page from Queen Latifah’s press moment and just tell them to think whatever they want. Your love life is your personal business, and you’re not obligated to discuss it with anyone just because they’re curious.
6. “When did you start writing for the tabloids?”
This sends a message to the person you’re conversing with that you think they’re being a bit of a gossip and trying by trying to dig for juicy information about your love life that they’re not entitled to. They might be a little taken aback by your question or see the humor in it. Either way, they won’t press the topic.
7. “It’s in critical condition, but the doctors are hopeful.”
This is a humorous way to admit that things are not working out all that well in the romance department. However, you’re choosing to stay positive and hold out hope that you’ll find a healthy committed relationship, rather than giving up on love.
8. “You’ll be my first call when I’m ready to share news.”
Is someone wondering when you’re going to tie the knot with your partner if you’ve managed to snag a significant other yet, or some question of that variety? This response gently lets them know that they’re overstepping and shouldn’t bother bringing up the question again because if you had information you wanted to share with them, you would.
9. “I’m going to audition for reality dating shows like Love Island. Keep an eye out for me.”
Next time a relative, coworker, or friend from high school asks how your love life is going, be sure to give them this ridiculous response. Whether they think you’re being or joking, don’t clarify. Just change the subject or walk away and let them keep wondering.
10. “My psychic is making a sketch of my soul mate for me.”
Don’t just stop there. Go into a long ramble about how when the psychic is done, you’re going to feed the sketch into search engines like Google to find the real-life version of them. You’re even going to run ads and put out a reward for anyone who can help you find the person in the sketch because the psychic has promised that everything will fall into place once you meet and commit to them.
11. “You didn’t hear? I’m getting married next month. Your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.”
You’re going to need to go deep into your acting bag to really sell this one whenever another nosy person poses a question about your relationship status. If you’ve got a ring on, make it part of the act. Or make up an excuse about not wearing your engagement ring out except on important occasions because it’s super expensive, and you don’t want to lose it.
12. “My battery-operated toys and I are very happy together.”
If you want to make the person asking blush and think twice about planting their nose in your business next time around, break out this response. Some might say it’s TMI, but so was the spirit of their question, so carry on.
13. “Well, I’m currently having a passionate love affair with *insert your favorite food/fruit*.”
Who says we all have to find true love in the hands of another human being? The love I share with food is as good as any crush I’ve ever experienced, and I’m not shy about telling the nosy Nellys that.
14. “You missed the cut-off. I stopped taking questions about that last week.”
Suppose someone has a habit of constantly harassing you with questions about your relationship status and experiences, or you’re just tired of being quizzed again and again about it. In that case, this witty response will help you catch a break for a while.
15. “Ouuu. Do you want to get together?”
Give them a coy smile, and put a hand to your chest like you’re shy and delighted as you turn the tables on them by asking if the reason they’re so curious about your love life is that they’re trying to hit on you. Let them see how uncomfortable it is to be on the receiving end of an awkward conversation.
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