As a parent, it’s sometimes difficult to tweak your parenting M.O. when your children are grownups. You might find that you overstep your role, perhaps assuming that you can parent them in the same way when they’re 25 as you did when they were 10. Um, no. Here are 15 ways in which you’re violating their boundaries so you can take a step back and adjust your relationship.
1. You give them unsolicited relationship advice.
If your adult child hasn’t asked you for your advice on their relationship, it’s not your place to step in and tell them what to do or who to date. Not only does this make you seem controlling, but it’s rude and disrespectful of their privacy.
2. You go through their personal belongings.
There’s never a good reason to go through your grown child’s personal stuff, whether that includes their phone or mail. Doing this is a clear sign that you’re not respecting them for who they are as adults, and are still viewing them as little kids who can’t be trusted.
3. You call them when you know they’re busy.
You wouldn’t pick up the phone and call your best friend if you knew they were busy with a deadline or other commitments, right? So, why would you think it’s okay to phone your adult child and request a favor or expect them to be ready to chat? If you know they’re occupied with something else, wait for them to be available.
4. You keep them on the phone when it’s inconvenient.
Linked to the previous point, once you get your adult child on the phone, you might talk their ear off even though you know they’re in the midst of a big work project or trying to get dinner on the table for their kids. This is a total disregard for whatever they’ve got going on. Just because they’re your child, it doesn’t mean they should always drop everything to listen to you for hours on end.
5. You’re too present on their social media profiles.
While it can feel good to be connected with your grown children on social media platforms, you shouldn’t use them as a way to harass them online! When you “like” or comment on every post, it looks like you’re trying to monitor every tiny inch of their lives. They need their space.
6. You “check in” when you don’t get an instant reply to your message.
When you text your adult children and they don’t reply within an hour, do you fly off the handle? Maybe you’re so desperate to connect with them that you become stressed when you don’t hear from them. But, they can’t be at your beck and call at every hour of the day!
7. You guilt-trip them into visiting you.
Guilt-tripping can be a way in which you violate their boundaries. For example, when they can’t visit you, you might tell them how lonely or sad you are, or how much you need them. Or, you might remind them of all the times you were there for them. It’s not right — playing with their emotions comes across as malicious.
8. You demand a key to their apartment.
If your adult children tell you their door is always open to you, leave it at that. Avoid trying to creep further into their lives, such as by asking them for a key to their apartment. That’s pushing it! Unless you need it for emergency purposes, you shouldn’t assume you have a 24/7 invite to barge in when you want.
9. You share details about their lives without their permission.
Maybe you used to talk or rave about your kids when they were young to your friends, but now that they’re adults, it’s inappropriate to share their personal details. If you want to boast about their latest job promotion or relationship status, ask them if it’s okay before you broadcast it to your WhatsApp group.
10. You ask them for favors when they have other commitments.
It’s great when your adult children want to help you with tasks, but it’s never fair to take advantage of their kindness. Remember, they also have needs and requirements that shouldn’t be put on the back burner, as that can lead to resentment.
11. You try to raise their kids according to your rules.
If your adult children have kids of their own, you might feel you have good intentions when telling your grandchildren what to do. However, there are boundaries that need to be respected. You should chat to your children about them as you don’t want to go against their parenting style.
12. You don’t respect their need to be alone.
Everyone has the right to privacy and alone time, so it’s not cool if you’re always barging into your adult children’s homes or demanding that they’re there when you need them. Just because you raised them, it doesn’t mean that you need to know everything about their lives or that you can control them.
13. You pressure them to follow a certain career path.
You might have ideas of what career your children should chase, but that’s a decision that’s completely up to them. Sometimes, parents paste and copy their aspirations onto their children, but it’s not fair to force them to live up to such lofty standards, especially if that doesn’t bring them happiness.
14. You criticize their appearance.
It’s never right to tell your children how they should dress, do their hair, or do their makeup. Their appearance is theirs alone. Don’t try to change them, or you risk them wanting to cut you out. Honestly, there’s enough pressure out there to look a certain way — they don’t need that stress from their folks!
15. You treat them like your therapist.
Although it’s healthy to talk to your adult children, you shouldn’t expect them to be your go-to therapists. While they might want to be there to support you, it’s asking too much to demand their time, reassurance, and active listening all the time. In some cases, they might not be able to meet your emotional needs, which is why there are qualified therapists out there.
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