If you grew up walking on eggshells, questioning your reality, and feeling like you existed to serve your mother’s needs, this one’s for you. Maybe you’re just starting to realize that what you experienced wasn’t normal, or maybe you’re deep into healing and need validation that you’re not crazy. Either way, let’s talk about the ways a narcissistic mother stunts her child’s growth and how those patterns might still be playing out in your life today.
1. She Made You Her Scapegoat
She blamed you for everything from her failed dreams to her bad moods, making you her personal emotional dumping ground. Every problem in her life somehow circled back to being your fault, even things that happened before you were born. She’d project her own flaws and failures onto you, using you as a convenient target for her self-hatred and frustration. You became the family’s designated problem child, carrying the weight of everyone’s dysfunction on your shoulders. The role of scapegoat followed you into adulthood, making you quick to accept blame even for things outside your control.
2. She Made You Her Competition
She turned you into her rival before you hit puberty, competing with you for attention, looks, and achievements. Any success you had threatened her, leading to subtle sabotage or outright attacks disguised as motherly concern. She’d flirt with your boyfriends, try to outshine you at your own events, and make snide comments about your appearance when you looked particularly good. Your relationship became a weird competition you never signed up for, with her alternating between treating you as a threat and an extension of herself. The concept of having a supportive mother-daughter relationship feels like fantasy fiction to you.
3. She Parentified You
She forced you to be the responsible one in the relationship before you were old enough to handle that burden. You became her confidante, her advisor, and her emotional support system while your own development got put on hold. She’d dump her adult problems on you—marriage issues, financial worries, personal insecurities—expecting you to help fix them. Your role as her surrogate parent/therapist left you with a massive gap where your childhood should have been. Now you find yourself stuck in caretaker mode with everyone you meet.
4. She Taught You to Hate Yourself
She planted the seeds of self-doubt so deep that you’re still pulling up the weeds in therapy years later. Her criticism became your inner voice, making you second-guess every decision and apologize for your existence. She’d point out your flaws while claiming she was just trying to help, wrapping her criticisms in a thin veneer of maternal concern. You learned to see yourself through her hypercritical lens, developing a self-image distorted by her projections and insecurities. The journey of learning to love yourself feels like trying to learn a language nobody ever taught you.
5. She Made You Responsible for Her Happiness
She placed the weight of her emotional well-being on your shoulders before you could handle your own feelings. Her mood became your responsibility, with her happiness or misery depending entirely on how well you performed your assigned role. She’d spiral into depression or rage when you failed to meet her needs, making you feel guilty for having your own life and interests. You became her emotional support animal, existing to serve her needs while neglecting your own. Now you feel responsible for everyone’s feelings while having no idea how to handle your own.
6. She Weaponized Love and Affection
She used love like a currency, giving and withdrawing it based on how well you met her needs at any given moment. One day you’d be her perfect angel, the next day a crushing disappointment—all depending on how well you played your assigned role in her emotional drama. She’d withhold affection as punishment when you failed to anticipate her needs or dared to have boundaries, teaching you that love was something you had to earn through constant performance. You grew up believing love was conditional, something that could be taken away if you didn’t follow the script perfectly.
7. She Made Everything About Her
She hijacked every conversation, celebration, and crisis to put herself in the spotlight faster than you could blink. Your graduation became her proud mom moment, while your breakup transformed into her emotional drama about how hard it was for her to see you suffer. She’d interrupt your stories to tell her own, usually with herself as the hero or victim, making you feel like your experiences were just props in her ongoing show. Even your therapy sessions somehow turned into discussions about how hard it was for her to hear you were struggling. Your achievements became her achievements, your struggles became her burdens, and your special moments transformed into showcases for her starring role.
8. She Controlled Through Comparison
She pitted you against siblings, cousins, and imaginary perfect children who lived down the street with the precision of a chess master. She’d praise other kids to your face while pointing out your flaws, creating a never-ending competition you couldn’t win because the goalposts kept moving. These comparisons kept you striving for her approval while ensuring you never felt quite good enough to relax into your own achievements. You learned to measure your worth against others rather than developing your own internal standards of success. Her constant comparisons left you with a persistent feeling that you’re somehow falling short, even when you’re excelling.
9. She Denied Your Reality
She rewrote history faster than a Hollywood scriptwriter, making you doubt your own memories and experiences until you couldn’t trust your own mind. She’d deny saying hurtful things even when you had witnesses, insisting you were “too sensitive” or “imagining things” with such conviction that you started to believe her. Her version of events always painted her as the hero or victim, never the villain, even when the truth was clearly the opposite. You learned to doubt your own perceptions because her reality always trumped yours, no matter how clear your memories were. This gaslighting left you with a shaky sense of reality that still impacts your ability to trust your own judgment.
1o. She Undermined Your Independence
She sabotaged every attempt you made to develop autonomy, making sure you stayed dependent on her emotionally and often financially. She’d offer help you didn’t ask for, then hold it over your head like a sword of obligation and guilt. Her “assistance” always came with hidden costs, usually paid in compliance with her wishes and submission to her control. You learned that accepting help meant giving up your freedom, making it hard to trust support from others even now. The simple act of making decisions without consulting her still feels like a rebellious act, years after leaving home.
11. She Created Impossible Standards
She set expectations so high that Jesus himself couldn’t have met them, then acted disappointed when you inevitably fell short. Her standards would shift without warning, leaving you constantly scrambling to figure out the new rules of her approval game. She’d criticize everything from your appearance to your life choices, making perfectionism your default setting and anxiety your constant companion. You grew up feeling like nothing you did was ever good enough, developing an inner critic that sounds suspiciously like her. Now you hold yourself to impossible standards while simultaneously feeling like a failure for not meeting them.
12. She Violated Your Boundaries
She treated your physical and emotional boundaries like suggestions, barging into your space and life whenever she felt like it. Privacy became a foreign concept as she read your diary, listened to your phone calls, and interrogated you about every aspect of your life. She’d share your personal information with others without permission, treating your experiences as her entertaining stories to tell. Your attempts to set boundaries were met with guilt trips, tears, or rage, teaching you that having limits was a form of betrayal. Now you either have walls thick enough to withstand a nuclear blast or no boundaries at all.
13. She Isolated You
She controlled your social circle like a puppet master, deciding who was worthy of being in your life based on her own needs and insecurities. Friends who saw through her act mysteriously became “bad influences” who weren’t allowed around anymore. She’d create drama with your friends’ parents or make hanging out so difficult that people eventually stopped trying. Your social development got stunted as she kept you close, using isolation as a tool of control. Now you struggle to maintain relationships, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
14. She Fed Your Anxiety
She catastrophized every situation and trained you to expect disaster around every corner. Her constant warnings about unlikely dangers and worst-case scenarios programmed your brain for permanent panic mode. She’d share horror stories about everything that could go wrong, making the world seem like a terrifying place you couldn’t navigate without her. Your natural childhood optimism was replaced with her anxious worldview, leaving you struggling with constant worry. Now you find yourself playing out disaster scenarios in your head just like she taught you.
15. She Stole Your Voice
She silenced your opinions and feelings so completely that finding your voice feels like learning to speak a new language. Any perspective that differed from hers was met with punishment, dismissal, or the silent treatment until you fell back in line. She taught you that your thoughts only mattered if they matched hers, making self-expression feel dangerous and wrong. Your authentic self went into hiding so deep that you’re still trying to coax it out years later. Now you second-guess every opinion and apologize for having feelings at all.
