Whether it’s from years of small hurts piling up or one big betrayal, resentment can poison a marriage faster than your mother-in-law’s questionable casserole. But here’s the good news: there are ways to work through it if you’re both willing to roll up your sleeves and do the work.
1. Talk Instead Of Sighing Passive-Aggressively
Passive-aggressive sighs and eye rolls might feel good, but they don’t solve problems—they add fuel to the fire. When you resort to these tactics, it often leaves your partner guessing what’s wrong or annoyed by the lack of direct communication. Passive-aggressive behavior can be challenging to identify and is very damaging to relationships, according to Psychology Today. Instead, carve out time to talk openly and calmly instead of huffing and puffing your way through conflicts. Find a moment when you’re both at ease—no screaming kids, no distractions from work—and approach the conversation with intention. Start by using “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when…” instead of blaming phrases like “You always…” This shift sets a less defensive tone for the discussion.
Communicating effectively means resisting the urge to unload your frustrations all at once. Focus on the present issue rather than dragging past grievances into the spotlight. Listening without interrupting or planning your rebuttal shows respect and creates space for mutual understanding. Remember, the goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to find a resolution that works for both of you. Using words instead of silent treatments or snarky remarks strengthens your connection and helps dissolve lingering resentment. Honest dialogue isn’t always comfortable, but it’s essential for healing and growth in any relationship.
2. Start Fresh Instead Of Recycling Old Fights
Some arguments seem to live on a loop, popping up like reruns of a bad TV show. You know the ones—disputes about who does the dishes, who left the lights on, or that time they missed your big event in 2018. Rehashing old fights only drags unresolved emotions into the present, turning minor issues into mountains. Instead of pressing replay on past grievances, focus on the current conflict as if it’s a standalone episode. Address what’s happening now without dredging up every misstep from the last decade.
Breaking this cycle starts with a conscious effort to leave old fights in the past. It’s okay to acknowledge patterns if they’re relevant, but constantly reopening past wounds makes it harder to heal. Treat each disagreement as an opportunity to improve communication and understanding—not as a chance to “win” by reminding your spouse of their historical errors. This fresh approach creates space for resolutions rather than fostering resentment. By focusing on the here and now, you can address issues constructively and build healthier dynamics in your relationship.
3. Own Your Part In The Mess
It’s easy to blame your partner when tensions rise, but rarely is one person completely at fault, and playing the blame game can blow up your relationship, according to the Couples Institute. Even if you believe they’re 99% responsible for the issue, taking an honest look at your own actions can be transformative. Have you avoided addressing problems out of fear or frustration? Are you playing the victim or martyr to gain sympathy instead of tackling issues head-on? Recognizing your role in the situation isn’t about self-blame—it’s about accountability and growth.
Acknowledging your contribution helps shift the dynamic from blame to collaboration. When you take responsibility, it sets an example and encourages your partner to do the same. This isn’t about keeping score—it’s about moving toward mutual understanding. Owning your part can also reveal patterns in your relationship that might need adjusting. By focusing on your behavior rather than solely critiquing theirs, you build a foundation for genuine change and deeper connection.
4. Learn To Forgive (But Don’t Force It)
Forgiveness is a complicated process, not something you can rush or fake your way through. It requires time, effort, and emotional readiness to truly let go of past hurts. Some days, forgiveness might feel possible; other days, resentment can creep back in. That’s okay. What matters is that you’re working toward progress rather than perfection. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending nothing happened—it means releasing the hold that pain has on your present and future.
It’s also crucial to understand that forgiveness is for you as much as it is for your partner. Carrying resentment takes an emotional toll, creating barriers to intimacy and trust. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey, and don’t let anyone rush you into forgiveness before you’re ready. If your partner is genuinely remorseful and making efforts to change, forgiveness can pave the way for healing. But remember, it’s not about erasing the past—it’s about building a better future together.
5. Practice Radical Empathy (Even When You Don’t Want To)
Empathy is one of the hardest skills to master, especially when you’re frustrated or hurt. But understanding your partner’s perspective is key to bridging the gap in a strained relationship. Radical empathy means digging deeper to understand the “why” behind their actions, even when you strongly disagree. Maybe their habits stem from their upbringing, past experiences, or unaddressed fears. This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior—it means seeing the person behind the mistake.
When you practice empathy, you create a safe space for honest conversations. It’s easier to work through issues when both parties feel understood, not judged. Empathy also encourages self-reflection, helping you understand how your actions might affect your partner. While it’s not always easy, this practice fosters compassion and patience, even in challenging moments. Ultimately, empathy transforms your perspective from seeing your partner as the problem to seeing them as part of the solution.
6. Get Professional Help Without The Shame
There’s a lingering stigma around couples therapy, but thinking it’s only for failing marriages couldn’t be further from the truth. Therapy is like hiring a personal trainer for your relationship—it’s a proactive way to build strength, resilience, and understanding. A good therapist provides a neutral space where both partners can express their feelings without interruptions or defensiveness. They can help you identify unhelpful patterns, teach you healthier communication techniques, and guide you toward solutions you might not have considered. Seeking help doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you care enough to make things better.
Professional support can also validate your experiences and give you tools to handle conflict constructively. Counselors bring an objective perspective that’s hard to achieve on your own. They’re trained to spot nuances in behavior and guide you toward clarity and compromise. Think of therapy as an investment in your relationship’s future. Whether you’re addressing deep issues or simply strengthening your connection, getting professional help shows you’re serious about making your marriage thrive.
7. Create New Positive Experiences Together
When resentment builds, your marriage might feel weighed down by negative memories. To counteract this, it’s essential to create fresh, positive experiences that reinforce your bond. Start small—go on a new adventure, try a shared hobby, or plan a spontaneous date night. Activities that have nothing to do with your current issues can help you reconnect on a lighter, more enjoyable level. Think of it as depositing joy into your relationship’s emotional bank account.
Building positive memories doesn’t erase past hurts, but it can help balance the emotional scales. These moments remind you why you chose each other in the first place. Whether it’s laughing over a failed cooking attempt or cheering each other on in a new challenge, shared experiences foster intimacy and teamwork. Focus on creating opportunities to grow together, not just as individuals. By prioritizing fun and connection, you’ll rediscover the good in your relationship.
8. Set Boundaries That Don’t Look Like Prison Walls
Boundaries are crucial in any relationship, but they shouldn’t feel restrictive or punitive. Instead, think of them as guidelines that protect both your needs and the health of your marriage. Maybe you need 30 minutes of quiet after work to decompress, or you prefer open communication about finances. Healthy boundaries foster trust and mutual respect, ensuring both partners feel valued and understood. They’re about creating a safe space, not controlling each other’s behavior.
Clear boundaries also prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict. When you set expectations early and communicate them openly, you reduce the chance of resentment building up over unmet needs. Boundaries work best when they’re collaborative—both partners should feel they have a say. The goal is to support each other’s well-being, not to create walls that isolate you. When done right, boundaries strengthen your connection by respecting individuality while prioritizing the relationship.
9. Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness
Happiness is an inside job—it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you feel fulfilled. Expecting someone else to meet all your emotional needs places an unfair burden on the relationship. Instead, focus on cultivating joy and contentment independently. Explore hobbies you’ve always been curious about, reconnect with old friends, or simply spend time doing things that make you happy. Taking charge of your own well-being creates a healthier dynamic in your marriage.
When you prioritize your happiness, you bring your best self to the relationship. This doesn’t mean shutting your partner out—it’s about balancing togetherness with individuality. A fulfilled, content person is more likely to contribute positively to a partnership. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential. By taking ownership of your happiness, you set a powerful example for your partner to do the same. A strong relationship thrives when both people feel whole, not when one relies entirely on the other.
10. Challenge Your Own Narrative
We all tell ourselves stories about our relationships—some true, some exaggerated, and some outright false. Maybe you’ve painted yourself as the constant victim or your partner as the perpetual villain. These narratives, while comforting in their simplicity, can trap you in a cycle of blame and resentment. Take a step back and question the story you’re telling yourself. Are you really always the one who compromises, or do you sometimes dig in your heels? Is your partner intentionally hurtful, or are they acting out of their own struggles?
Rewriting the narrative requires curiosity and a willingness to see the bigger picture. It’s not about dismissing your feelings but about gaining perspective. When you challenge your assumptions, you open the door to empathy and understanding. This shift can transform how you approach conflicts and view your partner. Instead of clinging to old scripts, work together to write a new story—one rooted in mutual respect and growth.
11. Practice Gratitude (Without Being Fake)
Gratitude doesn’t mean pretending everything is perfect—it means recognizing the good even amid challenges. When resentment clouds your perspective, it’s easy to overlook the things your partner does well. Start small: notice when they take out the trash without being asked or make you laugh after a stressful day. Acknowledging these moments shifts your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right. Gratitude isn’t about ignoring problems; it’s about appreciating the positives alongside them.
Expressing gratitude can also strengthen your connection. A simple “thank you” or a compliment can go a long way in making your partner feel valued. When both people feel appreciated, it creates a cycle of positivity that benefits the relationship. Gratitude fosters a sense of teamwork, reminding you that you’re in this together. Even small gestures, like a note or a kind word, can rebuild bridges where resentment once lived.
12. Get Clear About What You Really Want
Resentment often thrives in the space between unmet expectations and unspoken desires. Do you want your partner to magically change, or are there specific actions they could take to improve the relationship? Get clear on what you need and communicate it directly. Vague complaints like “You never help” are less effective than specific requests like “Can you take care of the dishes tonight?” Clarity helps both partners work toward solutions instead of stewing in frustration.
Understanding your own needs also prevents miscommunication. Sometimes we expect our partners to read our minds, which leads to disappointment when they don’t. Be honest with yourself about what you’re asking for and whether it’s realistic. Clear communication eliminates guesswork, reducing the likelihood of resentment taking root. When you know what you want and express it openly, you set the stage for meaningful change and deeper connection.
13. Learn to Fight Fair (And Actually Listen)
Arguments are inevitable, but how you handle them determines their impact on your marriage. Fighting fair means keeping the focus on the issue at hand, not launching personal attacks. Avoid dragging up unrelated grievances or using hurtful language to score points. Instead, express your feelings calmly and respectfully. Listening is just as important as speaking—try to understand your partner’s perspective rather than preparing your rebuttal while they’re talking.
Fair fighting also involves knowing when to pause. If tempers flare, take a break to cool down before continuing the discussion. The goal isn’t to win the argument but to resolve the conflict in a way that strengthens your relationship. When you approach disagreements as a team, they become opportunities for growth rather than sources of division. Fighting fair fosters trust, respect, and understanding, laying the groundwork for a healthier, happier marriage.
14. Address Issues While They’re Small
Small annoyances can snowball into significant issues if left unchecked. That innocent comment about how you load the dishwasher can turn into a full-blown argument if it’s part of a larger pattern of unspoken frustrations. Addressing concerns early prevents them from festering and turning into resentment. Be proactive: if something bothers you, bring it up respectfully and constructively. Waiting too long often leads to explosive conflicts that are harder to resolve.
Regular check-ins can help you stay on top of potential issues. Ask each other, “Is there anything on your mind?” or “How can I support you better?” These conversations create a safe space for honest communication and problem-solving. Tackling issues early keeps your emotional connection strong and prevents misunderstandings from taking root. Think of it like maintaining a garden: pulling weeds when they’re small is much easier than tackling an overgrown mess.
15. Celebrate Your Steps Forward (Big and Small)
While working through resentment, it’s easy to focus solely on what’s wrong. Take time to celebrate the victories, no matter how small they seem. Did you handle a disagreement better than usual? Did your partner show extra kindness or effort? Acknowledge these moments—they’re signs of progress and reminders that your relationship is worth fighting for. Celebrating wins reinforces positive behaviors and motivates both of you to keep improving.
Focusing on the good doesn’t mean ignoring challenges but balancing the narrative. Look for opportunities to express gratitude and pride in each other. These moments matter whether it’s surviving a tough week, sharing a laugh, or simply spending quality time together. Recognizing your progress helps you see your marriage as a work in progress, not a lost cause. Celebrate the journey and the steps forward, no matter how small they may feel.
