If you’re always quick to criticize people and shoot them down for their choices, you’re coming across as mean. It’s going to make people feel like you’re way too negative to be around, which can wreck your relationships. It’s time to quit being so judgmental and find your empathetic response, like by following these 15 tips. They’ll make you feel more positive about life!
1. Flip the script by looking for the positives in people.
It’s easy to assume that someone’s going to disappoint you or reveal their negative colors, but thinking in this way causes you to make judgments without knowing enough about them or giving them a chance. The result? It makes you come across as mean-spirited. Instead of falling into this negative trap, try to expect the best from other people for a change. It’ll encourage a more open, tolerant mind.
2. Try to understand things from their perspective.
When someone expresses their thoughts and feelings, instead of dismissing them if you don’t agree with them, try to see their side of things. For example, if someone’s feeling upset or angry, consider what they’re going through or why they feel this way. Think about their personality, needs, and the situation in which they find themselves to better understand their perspective. This helps you to become more empathetic, which fosters more positive interactions.
3. Stop making toxic comparisons.
If you’re judgmental towards people, you might try to bring them down so that you feel superior to them or better about your life. Instead of being envious and competitive, try to focus on celebrating other people’s achievements and happiness. Show people the type of emotional support that you’d want from them, instead of undermining them. This will strengthen your relationships.
4. Acknowledge and challenge your judgmental thoughts.
If you’re so used to being critical of everyone else, you might have thoughts that you don’t even realize are judgmental. Become more aware of them, such as by keeping a journal, so you can challenge them. When you entertain thoughts like “What is that person wearing?” or “Why is that person so low-class?” zap them before you express them to other people. Remind yourself that you know nothing about the person, and they have a right to make their own choices, just like you do.
5. Remember how it feels to be judged harshly.
When you’re judgmental of people, you might feel like you’re better than them. In these situations, it’s easy to forget what it feels like to be on the receiving end of criticism. Try to think about what the target of your judgment could be thinking or feeling. Maybe they’re ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, or angry. In addition, think about how your comments could stay with that person forever, leaving a negative feeling. You don’t want to be responsible for that.
6. Nudge yourself to ask people questions.
If you’re making assumptions and judgments about people you don’t know, you’re blocking off opportunities to connect with them and perhaps build healthy relationships, Harley Therapy notes. So, to prevent this, try to encourage yourself to be curious about people. Go over to someone you’re tempted to judge and ask them questions to learn about who they are instead. Curiosity boosts your empathy because it helps you understand people.
7. Read people’s body language for clues about what they feel.
Sometimes misunderstandings occur during conversation. They can cause you to jump to conclusions about what people think or feel, when this might not be the case. For example, if someone shuts down during conflict, you might assume they’re dismissing your feelings, when they might be having a panic attack or be feeling stressed. By reading their body language for clues, you can become more empathetic and avoid making instant (and unfair) judgments.
8. Make up positive stories instead of negative ones.
In some cases, you don’t get to speak to the people you judge, such as if you’re judging someone who cuts you off in traffic or jumps the queue in a bank. Without having more information about the person, you might judge them negatively, such as by labeling them as reckless or arrogant. Instead of doing that, find an empathetic response instead, such as that they’re having a bad day or received bad news, and it’s affected their behavior.
9. Find something nice to say about someone.
When you’re bitten by the judgy bug, such as when you want to gossip with your friend about an acquaintance’s relationship or clothing choices, reel it in by forcing yourself to say something kind instead. Maybe you could compliment the person’s strength or confidence. When you do this, you train your brain to find the positive traits in people instead of finding things to complain about.
10. Think about times when you did what the person you’re judging has done.
Sometimes we find faults in people that we possess ourselves. Be more empathetic by thinking about times when you were guilty of the same, or a similar, behavior. For example, if you’re judging a friend for giving you a passive-aggressive comment, think about when you’ve done that in the past. Or, if you’re criticizing your partner for being selfish, think about times when you’ve displayed self-absorbed behavior. This will help you to remember that no one’s perfect, so it’s unfair to be unkind.
11. Try to see beyond others’ annoying traits.
When someone does something you want to criticize, it’s easy to label them “bad” and ignore all their other traits. Instead of doing this, try to think of their other, more positive, attributes. For example, maybe your sister annoys the heck out of you by being arrogant, but perhaps she’s also the person who checks in on you when you’re having a rough time or who reminds you to be positive.
12. Start showing yourself compassion.
It’s so true what they say: if you judge yourself harshly, you’re going to do the same to other people. To break this habit, start being kinder to yourself. When you say something out of line or make a mistake, be gentle with yourself. Make amends for your behavior and learn from it, but avoid beating yourself up for being human. When you show yourself this love, you’ll be more likely to extend compassion to other people.
13. Shake up your social circle.
A good way to prevent you from being so judgmental is to surround yourself with people who treat people with kindness. This can help you to reel in your critical thoughts about other people, while reminding you to treat people in a more empathetic way. Having supportive friends in your circle can also work effectively to break negative or judgmental behaviors, such as if they have a no-gossip policy. The less they entertain your judgmental thoughts, the less you’ll have them.
14. Find common ground with people.
When meeting new people, break out of a judgmental mindset by trying to find similarities between you instead of differences. The cool thing about this is that you’ll have something in common with everyone because the more you try to find positive common ground, the more you’ll notice it. Maybe you share a love of plants or hairstyling, or building cars. Whatever the case, similarities serve to make people more likeable in your eyes, which will prevent you from judging them.
15. Use non-violent communication.
Non-violent communication (NVC) is a communication approach that encourages empathy, Positive Psychology explains. It helps you to observe other people’s traits and behaviors without making judgments. For example, if someone irritates you with their chronic lateness, NVC would involve telling someone, “I noticed you arrived 15 minutes late” instead of “You’re always late.” NVC also focuses on healthy ways of stating your needs and feelings, such as by using “I feel” and “I need” statements. This prevents hostility while encouraging other people to do the same.
