If you want to start setting rules to protect yourself in a relationship with your narcissistic parent, you’ve got to stay strong. Narcissists don’t take lightly to boundaries because they want you to cater to all their needs. Here are 15 things you can expect when boundary-setting, so you don’t get reeled back into the toxic situation.
1. They guilt-trip you.
When you tell your narcissistic parent that you have to stop giving them money or you won’t engage in disrespectful conversation, their fear of losing control in the relationship will cause them to try to make you feel guilty. For example, they might say, “You don’t appreciate what I do for you” or “If it weren’t for me, you’d be nothing.” They try to break down your boundaries because they selfishly want to continue benefitting from the relationship.
2. They give you the silent treatment.
After expressing what you need from the relationship with your parent, they might completely stop talking to you, Psych Central warns. They might ignore your texts or calls, which can cause you much anxiety and stress. Giving you the silent treatment is a narcissistic tactic to punish you. When they refuse to talk to you, you might feel confused, anxious, or worried, which is what they want you to feel in the hope that you’ll go grovelling back to them. Stonewalling you is also a way for the narcissist to display superiority in the relationship.
3. They gaslight you.
It’s common for narcissists to gaslight you by making you doubt your feelings. They do this to regain control of the situation and feel like they’re not to blame for its challenges. So, for example, if you express to your parent that they’re too critical of you, they might say, “You’re just sensitive!” Or, if you confront them about a previous incident when they belittled you, they might say, “You’re imagining that. It never happened.” Gaslighting is a way for the narcissist to undermine your thoughts and feelings.
4. They love-bomb you.
Instead of giving you a negative reaction, a narcissistic parent might respond to your boundaries by giving you lots of love, attention, and praise. They might give you compliments such as “You’re the best child anyone could ask for.” Although this might feel positive, it’s totally manipulative to get you to lower your guard. They want you to think they’ve changed for the better, but it’s an act to make you let them into your life again so they can exert control over you.
5. They shift blame onto you.
When you tell your narcissistic parent that you don’t want to tolerate their negative or harmful behavior anymore, they might lash out because they don’t want to deal with their flaws or mistakes. They’ll try to direct blame onto you, which makes it challenging to resolve conflict. For example, they might say, “If you weren’t difficult, I wouldn’t have to act this way.” They become defensive so they don’t have to take any responsibility for their actions.
6. They have angry outbursts.
A narcissist might sometimes fly into a rage because they feel out of control of the situation and their fragile ego can’t handle it. They perceive you setting healthy boundaries as an attack on them. So, when you tell them that you need to limit your phone calls or visits with them, they might scream, “How can you treat your own parent like this?” or “How dare you be so cruel to me?” They might also react angrily if they feel like you’ve questioned their traits, which they perceive as being flawless.
7. They try to gain your sympathy.
Instead of lashing out at you, a narcissistic parent might try to play the victim card to appeal to your emotions and make you backtrack on your boundaries. For example, they might say, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong as a parent to receive this behavior” or “I’ve tried so hard, but it’s not enough, I suppose.” By making you feel bad, they’re hoping that you’ll change your mind and go back to how the relationship was to avoid hurting your parent’s feelings.
8. They test your boundaries.
It’s frustrating to deal with a narcissist parent because they won’t accept your boundaries. They want to control the narrative and can’t handle not being able to manipulate you. So, they’ll go out of their way to violate your rules and regulations. For example, if you tell them you don’t want them to pitch up at your house or call you after 8 p.m., they’ll do it anyway. To cover themselves, they might pretend to have an “emergency” for why they’re violating your boundaries so you can’t argue with them. Since narcissists don’t have empathy, per Psychology Today, they don’t understand your need for boundaries to protect yourself.
9. They resort to “triangulation.”
To help the narcissistic parent regain control, they might bring other people into the situation, which is known as triangulation. They might turn to other family members or friends to pressure you into changing your boundaries. So, they might tell your sibling, “Your brother/sister is being so mean to me. Can you talk to them?” Or, they might expose you in front of others, saying, “Can you believe he/she said I’m not allowed to go visit unannounced?” This can make you feel ashamed. Pressure from other people might also cause you to think you’re at fault for setting boundaries.
10. They might offer you conditional love.
A narcissist might become so defensive that you’re setting boundaries that they’ll retaliate by withholding their love. So, they might say, “Don’t expect me to help you with anything if you don’t help/visit/call me.” They might show you love when you do what they want, then hold it out of reach when you fall out of line. They do this so they can feel more powerful in the relationship by mocking your boundary-setting behavior.
11. They make false promises to change.
Some narcissists will be desperate to prevent you from not letting them control you anymore. They’ll quickly appeal to you by making fake promises. Maybe they’ll say, “I promise to become less clingy/critical” or “I’ll try hard to stop telling you what to do.” This might make you feel relieved, agreeing to continue the relationship as before. Sadly, it’s just a matter of time before they go back to their controlling and clingy behavior. They only make empty promises to avoid confrontation and maintain the status quo.
12. They minimize your needs.
When setting healthy boundaries, you’re trying to focus on your important needs to encourage greater wellbeing. But, your narcissistic parent won’t see this (their lack of empathy rears its ugly head again!). Instead, they’ll try to make you feel like what you need from the relationship is silly or ridiculous. For example, they might say, “Why do you need so much space? You’re overreacting. Everyone else is fine with how things are.” This can make you start to doubt your needs, essentially letting your parent control the situation again in the way they want.
13. They spread rumors about you.
A manipulative narcissist can’t take no for an answer, so they’ll resort to extreme manipulation to try to drag you back into the relationship. One of the ways in which they do this is by spreading gossip about you. You might start hearing nasty things about you from mutual friends or family members, which is upsetting and stressful. Narcissists do this so they can control the narrative with other people because they’re so preoccupied with maintaining their public image. Negative rumors about you might also make you feel like a bad person for setting boundaries with your parent, which is what they want you to feel.
14. They laugh at you.
To make you feel like your feelings are worthless, your narcissistic parent might laugh at you when you try assertively set boundaries. They might say, “What? This is ridiculous!” to make you doubt yourself and feel undermined. Or, if you try to express your dissatisfaction with their behavior, they might laugh and say, “You must be joking if you think you know better than me.” Laughter helps the narcissist avoid the conversation about boundaries while weakening your resolve.
15. They seem to comply for a while.
Your narcissistic parent might seem like they’re fine with respecting your boundaries, but it’s just to give you a false sense of security. Soon they’ll start chipping away at them to check if they can push you and get what they want without any repercussions. They might also be hoping to use their good behavior to manipulate you in the future. For example, at a later stage, they might say, “I respected your boundaries, so why can’t you compromise with me now?” to make you fall back into the old, toxic relationship.
