Therapy is a valuable resource that can help people in a lot of ways; getting through tragedies in life, coping with mental health struggles, managing substance use, and more.
Therapists take great care to create environments where you feel safe, seen, and heard. Even still, some things they say will be difficult to hear, and might make you frustrated at first. These phrases are still helpful to you, and they get you to pause and think deeper about a question or challenge.
1. “Why do you think X is affecting you this way?”
This phrase might catch you off guard. You could be focused on trying to “solve” a problem, and haven’t thought a lot about the “why”. That’s why your therapist asks you this. It causes you to slow down and ask yourself what part of the issue is really upsetting you. By understanding that, you might be able to better understand how to cope with it.
2. “What do you think you should do?”
Many people expect therapists to be the perfect problem solvers, thinking that they have a solution for everything. And many times, therapists come up with great solutions. But their job isn’t to solve your problems for you, Psychology Today points out — it’s to help you solve your own problems. So your therapist wants you to provide insight into how you think you should move forward. Then, you can work together to refine a plan that would work well for you.
3. “Well, has that been working for you?”
Often, you’ll hear this after describing a behavior or habit that might be doing more harm than good. It’s a gentle way to get you to question whether something is actually good for you. Sometimes we choose coping mechanisms like excessive exercise, social withdrawal, oversleeping, and more because they help us feel good in the moment. But over a long period of time, these behaviors might get in the way of healing and moving forward.
4. “It seems like you’re trying to avoid talking about X.”
It always feels very jarring to be called out when you’re avoiding something like a tough conversation. And most of us who are in therapy have done it at some point. Sometimes there are things you just really don’t want to talk about. Your therapist knows that this avoidance is a protective measure, but also that talking about the topic will help you figure out what to do about it. If you really don’t have the spoons for the conversation, say so. If you do, though, take this invitation to stop avoiding and start confronting.
5. “What have you tried already?”
Again, if you’re looking for solutions, you might want your therapist to provide them all for you. They don’t know what has and hasn’t worked for you. By telling them, they better understand what types of things might help you. And if you haven’t tried anything already, it draws attention to that, reminding you that if you want to confront this issue, you’ll have to at least try some things until you find a remedy that works.
6. “What are you hoping to get from me in this session?”
Therapy is not one-size-fits-all, and there isn’t one “right” way to conduct a session. It’s incredibly helpful for your therapist to know what you want, what helps you, and what your motivations are. This can change from session to session, so don’t be surprised if they keep asking. Instead, take it as an opportunity to set up your goals for the session.
7. “You can’t keep ignoring your emotions.”
But avoidance is so easy, right? Many people cope with difficult emotions by ignoring them or using distractions. Sometimes, this is necessary, so don’t blame yourself if you do this. But you can’t keep doing it forever, because the emotions will continue to build up. While it might be hard to hear, it’s good to talk about ways to confront your emotions instead of running away from them.
8. “If you don’t listen to your needs, things will only get worse.”
We want to believe we can do everything, that we can keep pushing through. Sometimes the only option is taking a step back. If you’re in a situation where your needs are not being met, or you’re facing unmanageable levels of stress, chances are it’s going to take a toll on your body and mind. The more you ignore this, the harder it will be to feel better.
9. “Emotions aren’t the same as facts.”
Emotional reasoning describes times when you feel your emotions so strongly that you’re convinced they’re factual. Don’t be mistaken; your emotions are real and valid. But they aren’t the same as objective facts. Just because you feel worthless doesn’t mean you are worthless. This is a good reminder to take a step back and try to form an objective view of a situation.
10. “Stop telling yourself what you ‘should’ do.”
Continuing to pressure yourself with how you “should” react, respond, or feel, is going to make you feel worse. It will be frustrating to hear your therapist tell you to stop. They’re right, though. Often, they will then encourage you to think about what you want and what is expected from you. There’s likely a way to bridge the gap between those two and find an arrangement you feel good with.
11. “Healing takes time.”
Sometimes you just want to be over and done with an issue. Your therapist is there to remind you that emotions aren’t logical and healing isn’t always predictable. It’s not something you can rush through. You’ll have to give yourself time and grace to get to a point where you feel better. It will be hard, but also worth it, and as you keep going you’ll notice signs that you’re healing more and more.
12. “You’re going to have setbacks.”
This phrase frequently comes with the previous one. Just as healing takes time, it also isn’t linear. You might feel better for months on end and then have a relapse, or be feeling fine for weeks when suddenly you spend a whole week in bed. Don’t feel bad for this. Having these setbacks and bouncing back from them is part of the healing process, and learning how to manage them makes you stronger.
13. “You’re not the only one who feels like this.”
It can be frustrating to feel like your therapist is generalizing your issue and not focusing on you specifically. That’s not what they’re trying to do here, though. They’re acknowledging that, while your circumstances may be unique, many others have felt this way before, and do today. With that knowledge, you can look at strategies that have worked for other people, and maybe even find more community.
14. “What are you actually getting out of X?”
You’ll hear this when you’re in an unhappy relationship, job, or school situation. It’s hard when you just want to focus on the good and figure out how to make things work. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away. By looking at what you get out of a situation, versus what it costs you, you can determine whether you should leave that situation behind or try to repair it.
15. “What do you have control over in this situation?”
There are a lot of things in life that we can’t control, and that’s scary and anxiety-inducing. By focusing on what you do have control over, you can find strengths and coping strategies instead of focusing entirely on the anxiety. It’s valid, and worth recognizing, but it will only keep bringing you down if you don’t find ways to cope with it.
