Narcissism is a term that’s thrown around quite frequently. But did you know that narcissistic traits can manifest in much more subtle ways? Yup, and it makes them easy to miss or misinterpret. It’s crucial to remember that only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (also known as NPD according to the Cleveland Clinic), but this article aims to shed light on some of the less obvious signs that might indicate narcissistic traits.
1. Conversations that go in circles
Discussions with a narcissist, especially about issues in a relationship, aren’t likely to go anywhere. They might seem to engage in the conversation, but you’ll find yourself in a constant loop, never reaching a resolution. This is because their goal isn’t to solve the problem, but to wear you down until you give up or doubt your own perspective.
2. Reacting weirdly to other peoples’ success
Have good news? Good luck telling a narcissist, because they’ll respond to your win with a dismissive “That’s nice” before changing the subject, or find ways to subtly diminish your success. Alternatively, they might become overly enthusiastic in a way that feels performative rather than genuine. Don’t fall for it.
3. Extreme humble bragging
While overt bragging is a well-known narcissistic trait, subtle narcissists might engage in humblebrags or self-deprecating comments designed to fish for compliments. They might say things like, “I’m so disorganized, I can’t believe my messy proposal won the client over!” This lets them highlight their success while appearing humble.
4. Not reciprocating in relationships
Relationships with a narcissist often feel one-sided. They might expect you to be available whenever they need support but are conveniently “busy” when you need them. This imbalance might be subtle, often masked by grand gestures or intensity in the early stages of a relationship, but over time, a pattern of one-sidedness emerges.
5. Bringing every conversation back to themselves
Also known as conversational narcissism, this is a subtle form of conversational control where the person consistently brings the topic back to themselves. They might seem engaged in your story, but quickly redirect with a “That reminds me of when I…” or “Something similar happened to me…” Sure, it’s normal to relate to others’ experiences, but if it’s a pattern that screams narcissism.
6. Putting you down, but subtly
Often called “backhanded compliments,” these are statements that seem positive on the surface but contain a hidden criticism. For example, “You’re so brave to wear that outfit with your body type!” or “Your project turned out great considering your limited experience!” These serve to undermine while maintaining a mask of kindness. One word: ew.
7. Always being late without apologizing
Consistently being late, especially without a legitimate apology, can be a subtle sign of narcissism. It suggests that the person values their time above others’ and feels entitled to make others wait. They might offer excuses but rarely show genuine concern for the inconvenience they’ve caused.
8. Controlling everyday, sometimes small, situations
This can manifest as always insisting on choosing the restaurant, dictating the route to drive, or controlling the TV remote. While these might seem like teeny tiny issues, a consistent pattern of needing to control even minor decisions can indicate narcissistic tendencies.
9. Apologizing isn’t their strength
A subtle narcissist might say “I’m sorry” but follow it with justifications or deflections that essentially negate the apology. They might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” shifting the focus to your reaction rather than their action. Or they might apologize but quickly add, “but if you hadn’t…” essentially blaming you for their behavior.
10. Claiming incompetence when it’s convenient
A narcissist might claim incompetence in areas that don’t interest them or that might require them to do something they don’t want to do. For instance, they might say they’re “bad at cleaning” to avoid household chores, or “not good with dates” to excuse forgetting important events. However, they’re likely to be very competent in areas where they can shine or gain admiration.
11. Acting genuinely curious is hard for them
While they might ask questions, pay attention to whether they show genuine interest in the answers. A subtle narcissist might ask about your day, but quickly lose interest or redirect the conversation if your answer doesn’t relate to them somehow. They struggle to engage with topics or experiences that don’t directly involve or interest them.
12. They’re withholding when it comes to emotions
According to Psych Central, a subtle narcissist might withhold affection, approval, or attention as a form of control or punishment. This can be as subtle as becoming suddenly cold when you’ve done something they disapprove of, even if you haven’t violated any explicit agreement. It creates an environment where you’re constantly trying to win back their approval.
13. They disguise their fantasies as “planning”
Narcissists often have grandiose fantasies about their future success. A subtle narcissist might present these as ‘plans’ or ‘goals,’ talking constantly about the amazing things they’re going to do, without taking concrete steps towards these goals. They’re more invested in the attention these ‘plans’ bring than in actually achieving them.
14. Self-reflecting isn’t really their thing
A subtle narcissist might seem introspective on the surface, but their self-reflection never leads to change or genuine insights about their flaws. They might talk about self-improvement, but it’s usually focused on external metrics (like career success) rather than emotional growth or improving relationships.
15. They still engage in gaslighting…just subtly
Gaslighting doesn’t always involve outright denials of reality. A subtle narcissist might use phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” “You always exaggerate,” or “That’s not how I remember it” to make you doubt your own perceptions. Over time, this can chip away at your confidence in your own judgment.
