We’ve all encountered people who seem incredibly kind and considerate on the surface, but somehow leave us feeling uneasy or drained (it’s also referred to as ‘insincere kindness,’ according to Psychology Today). These individuals are masters of disguise, and identifying them can be challenging, but it’s an essential skill for protecting your emotional well-being. Here are subtle signs that someone’s kindness might not be as genuine as it appears.
1. They’re kind but competitive
Beware of those who turn kindness into a competition. If someone always has to one-up others’ acts of kindness or seems more concerned with being seen as the “kindest” person rather than actually helping, their motivations might not be genuine. Authentic kindness isn’t about keeping score—it’s about making a positive difference, regardless of recognition.
2. Their kindness is conditional
True kindness doesn’t come with strings attached. According to Liberty Mind, if you notice that someone’s nice behavior is consistently dependent on what you can do for them, that’s a red flag. They might be super helpful and friendly when they need something from you, but their warmth quickly cools when you’re no longer useful. Genuine kindness, on the other hand, is given freely without expectation of return or reward.
3. They don’t really have the ability to feel empathy
While they may say all the right things, pay attention to their emotional engagement when you share your problems or successes. Do they genuinely seem to care, or do their responses seem kind of shallow? Someone who struggles to connect emotionally or show real concern for others’ feelings might be putting on a show of kindness without the depth to back it up. True empathy involves not just acknowledging others’ emotions, but also making an effort to understand and share those feelings.
4. They gossip under the guise of concern
They might preface their comments with phrases like “I’m worried about…” or “I’m only telling you this because I care,” but consistently sharing negative information about others is not kind. Genuine kindness is about respecting others’ privacy and reputations, not spreading rumors, no matter how well-intentioned it may seem.
5. They excessively self promote
Genuinely kind people don’t need to constantly advertise how kind they are. And if they do, it might be a red flag. They may be more interested in the appearance of being kind than in the actual act of helping others. This behavior often stems from a need for external validation rather than a genuine desire to help. Pay attention to whether their actions align with their words when no one’s watching or when there’s nothing to gain from their kindness.
6. They choose who they’re kind to
Observe how they treat people who can’t benefit them in any way. Are they just as kind to the waiter as they are to their boss? Do they show consideration for people of all backgrounds? Someone who is only kind to those they deem important or useful while dismissing or mistreating others is not genuinely kind. Authentic kindness is consistent and doesn’t discriminate.
7. They use kindness as a form of control
Some people use acts of kindness as a way to manipulate or control others. They might offer help or gifts and then use these as leverage later, making you feel obligated to them. Watch out for phrases like “After all I’ve done for you…” or subtle reminders of their kindness when they want something from you. Genuine kindness is given freely, full stop.
8. They don’t know how to say no
While this might seem counterintuitive, a lack of personal boundaries can actually be a sign of inauthentic kindness. Someone who constantly overextends themselves, never says no, or routinely ignores their own needs in the name of helping others might be using “kindness” as a way to gain approval or avoid conflict. Truly kind people know that self-care and setting boundaries are also important.
9. They’re inconsistent in private vs. public
Pay attention to how they behave when they think no one is watching versus when they have an audience. If there’s a stark difference between their public persona of kindness and their private behavior, then newsflash: they’re not authentically kind. Genuine kindness isn’t performative, it’s a consistent part of a person’s character.
10. They use kindness to avoid responsibility
Some people hide behind a façade of kindness to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They might use phrases like “I was just trying to help” or “I had good intentions” to excuse whatever it is they did. But here’s the thing: true kindness involves owning up to mistakes and being accountable for one’s actions.
11. They never follow through
Words of kindness are easy, but actions speak louder. If someone consistently makes grand offers or promises of help but rarely follows through, their kindness might be more about appearances. Truly kind people are reliable and do their best to honor their commitments, even when it’s not the most convenient.
12. They’re kind but not respectful
Genuine kindness is rooted in respect for others. Watch out for those who act kind but demonstrate a lack of respect for your opinions, boundaries, or autonomy. This might manifest as repeatedly offering unwanted help, giving advice without being asked, or making decisions for you under the guise of being helpful.
13. Their memory about their kindness is selective
People who aren’t genuinely kind often have a skewed recollection of their actions. They might exaggerate their kind deeds or conveniently forget instances where they were less than kind. On the flip side, they may have an excellent memory for every small act of kindness they’ve done for you, especially when they want something in return.
14. They’re incapable of handling criticism
Funny enough, people who aren’t genuinely kind often have a hard time receiving constructive criticism about their behavior. They might become defensive, deflect blame, or use their “kindness” as a shield against any negative feedback. Truly kind people are open to growth and willing to listen when others point out areas where they might have fallen short.
15. Their kindness belittles others
Be cautious of people whose “kind” actions or words subtly undermine your confidence or make you feel indebted or inferior. This might manifest as unsolicited advice that questions your capabilities, or help that’s offered in a way that highlights your shortcomings. Kindness is empowering, not diminishing.
