You might assume your friend cares about you and has your back, but they could be fooling you by being fake. Maybe they’re nice to you in private but mean in front of other people, or they give you snide comments that keep you guessing about their real intentions. Here are 15 subtle ways to spot a fake friend so you can stop making them a priority in your life.
1. They give you backhanded compliments.
Someone who’s not a genuine friend might give you subtle put-downs that show you what they really feel. A classic example is the backhanded compliment, Verywell Mind notes. This comment serves to make you feel unsure of their intentions while zapping your confidence. For example, the fake friend might say, “That haircut suits you so much better than the style you had before.” Here, they’re complimenting your haircut but making you feel bad for how you previously looked. Or, they might say, “Your boyfriend is cool, it’s amazing that you snagged him.” While they’re complimenting your partner, they’re making you feel like you’re not good enough. Unreal!
2. They make you feel bad in front of other friends.
A fake friend might be super-nice to you in private, but then become judgy and critical of you in public. They do this to achieve a superior self-image in front of others while putting you down. It’s a classic move from a competitive, malicious friend. For example, they might shush you in front of your mutual friends (so rude) to invalidate your opinions, or make nasty comments about you, such as, “Why did you wear/say/do that?” to get other people to laugh at you. They have insecurity issues that they’re trying to project onto you.
3. They put down your interests.
Friends are supposed to encourage you and enjoy hearing about your hobbies or adventures, but a fake friend is envious of your passion and lust for life. They’ll try to put down the things you love so that you don’t feel confident about them. For example, when you express how much you love reading or scrapbooking, they’ll roll their eyes and say it’s a boring pastime. This can make you feel like they’re embarrassed of you, which could cause you to censor yourself around them. If you can’t be your true self, the friendship isn’t good for you.
4. They look moody when you’re happy.
When you get great news and share it with your so-called friend, how they react to it tells you loads about what they really think of you. If they become quiet or sulky when you share your success, that’s a huge red flag that they don’t have your best interests at heart. They could be viewing you as competition instead of a friend, which shows that your friendship with them isn’t real because it’s based on envy and negativity.
5. They treat you like a backup option.
A fake friend is someone who’ll only spend time with you when it’s convenient for them or when they need you, like if their other friends bail on them at the last minute, or they need an urgent favor. If you’ve ever wondered why they don’t like making plans with you ahead of time, it’s because they’re not making you a priority in their social life. Since they know you’re a genuine friend, they can use and abuse your trust and availability.
6. They don’t defend you around other people.
A friend who doesn’t care about you won’t have your back when other people are cruel to you. Although they might pretend to be supportive of you, when you’re hanging out with them in public, you’ll notice how they won’t speak up on your behalf when people treat you badly. They refuse to come to your defense, which says a lot about what they think of you. It hurts to get thrown under the bus by them, and it shows you that they’re only thinking of themselves.
7. Their favorite topic of conversation is themselves.
When you have a conversation with this person, they’re always steering it onto their topics of interest or whatever’s going on in their lives. You might try to talk about something going on with you, and they’ll seem bored or try to change the subject. Similarly, they forget about important things in your life and don’t check in with you about them, whether it’s a breakup or career move that had you stressing out. However, they expect you to be thoughtful and empathetic with them! The friendship is completely one-sided.
8. They don’t tell you the truth when you ask for their opinion.
Some fake friends will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, perhaps to keep the peace or manipulate you into thinking they’re supportive. So, when you ask them what they think of your boyfriend/outfit/work presentation, they’ll only give you positive feedback, even though they might think otherwise. If they’re malicious, they might even show you faux support for your bad decisions so they can laugh at you behind your back. It gives them a rush of endorphins to feel like they’re doing better than you.
9. They don’t open up with you.
While some fake friends will want to talk about themselves all the time, others will keep quiet about their private lives. They might want you to share your life with them, but then brush off your questions about how they’re doing. It’s frustrating. They maintain an air of mystery that’s challenging to deal with because it’s a wall preventing you from growing closer. That’s the thing: they don’t want to let you into their life because your friendship is superficial.
10. They vanish when you go through tough times.
A real friend is there through thick and thin, showing you support whether you’re having a good or bad day. But a fake friend is only going to be there for the fun, celebratory times, like when you’re throwing a party or going on vacation. When things go pear-shaped, they’ll bounce — only to return days or weeks later with an excuse for why they weren’t around. They simply don’t care enough about you to be there for you when you need them.
11. They try to bust your boundaries.
If your friend doesn’t respect you when you say “no” to them or turn down their requests, they’re showing that they only care about what you can do for them. For example, if you don’t want to hang out with them because you need some me-time, instead of respecting it, they’ll say, “Don’t be so boring!” to try to persuade you. Or, if you can’t help them by babysitting for them on the weekend, they’ll say, “So you’re just going to leave me hanging?” They always pressure you to do what they want, even if it violates your boundaries.
12. They try to one-up your accomplishments.
Someone who’s not genuinely interested in having a supportive friendship with you will always try to undermine you by acting superior. It’s all about winning for them. So, when you share that you went on a safari, they’ll tell you about a more fun/interesting vacation they recently enjoyed. Or, when you tell them about your amazing date, they’ll act unimpressed and then boast about all the people who are asking them out. They have low self-esteem, which causes them to want to put you down because it makes them feel better about themselves. As Psychology Today points out, it’s important to keep your cool.
13. They never apologize for their bad behavior.
When your friend does something to hurt you, they never step up and say sorry or try to make amends. For example, if they cancel hangout plans by standing you up, or they disappear when they were supposed to help you with something, they should explain what went wrong. A fake friend doesn’t have such decency. Instead of showing remorse, they might try to make you feel bad for making a “big deal” out of what they did or try to elicit your sympathy by giving you sob stories. It’s so frustrating because they never take accountability for anything.
14. They drain you of your energy.
You can tell if a friend’s fake by how they make you feel. After spending time with them, do you feel exhausted or like you’re not good enough for them? Do you feel a bit anxious or depressed? All of these are bad signs that they’re giving off toxic vibes you don’t need in your life. Real friends make you feel positive and good about yourself after seeing them. It’s essential to pay attention to your feelings so you can spot a fake friend who’s only bringing you down.
15. They’re never happy around you.
A fake friend might bring negativity into your life by always being frustrated or annoyed around you. Or, perhaps they’re a chronic complainer who can’t seem to stop moaning about everything and everyone. Yikes. You might think that’s just how they are, but their permanent bad mood could be a sign that they don’t feel good in your presence. They’re just tolerating you so they can get what they want from you. You can confirm this by checking their mood around other people — they might be moody around you but a ray of sunshine with others!
