You’ve probably noticed that the toxic people in your life don’t like it when you’re feeling good about yourself, and they’ll do some strategic things to try to kill your confidence. If you know their tactics, it may be easier to keep your head above water and not fall for their tricks of making you drown in a lack of self-esteem.
1. They gaslight you.
Gaslighting is one of the oldest tricks in the book that toxic people use to control their victims, Medical News Today explains. They want to make you feel like you’re not thinking right and need them to keep you balanced. They’re the ones keeping you unbalanced in reality.
2. They try to dumb you down.
Toxic people, no matter their gender, have a habit of mansplaining things so that their victims feel unknowledgeable, even on subjects they know a lot about. To aid in the destruction of your confidence, a toxic person will pull out all the stops to try to make you feel inferior to them.
3. They use backhanded compliments.
Compliments usually boost your confidence, but toxic people have a knack for giving compliments that tear you down instead. If you’re unsure what a backhanded compliment is, a great example would be when someone says something nice about you and then includes a “but” or a “for” in the sentence. “You’re cute, but you have a weird nose,” or “You’re nice looking for a chubby person.”
4. They turn your positives into negatives.
You tell the toxic person about something significant that happened in your life, and they immediately come back with a reminder of some negative things you shouldn’t forget. It’s like they have all of these things saved so they can rain on your parade at any moment of happiness and joy. They may also be projecting their negativities onto you.
5. They’re constantly criticizing you.
Do you feel like you can never do right in some people’s eyes? That’s what it’s like when a toxic person lives to criticize you. They may make it seem like they’re trying to help you, but it’s all a ploy to make you feel worthless and lower your self-esteem, so you feel stuck with them.
6. They shift the blame your way.
This is another way toxic people use to make you feel inferior to them — they blame shift and make everything your fault. They’re only criticizing you so that you can be a better person. They’re only reminding you of all the mistakes you’ve made in the past so that you don’t make them again. Of course, the reality is that they want you to feel like you can’t do any of these things and need them in your life to keep you going.
7. They compare you to everyone else.
If the toxic people in your life know your coworkers, they likely point out how many of them do the job better than you do. They may point you out as the dumbest/laziest/etc. of your friend group, even if that’s not true. Not only do they use this tactic to make your self-esteem plummet, but it’s another way to isolate you from these people because you develop a fear of how they see you.
8. They use manipulative apologies.
Toxic people struggle with apologies — they’re never genuine. A genuine apology doesn’t come with reasons or excuses; it comes with change. When a toxic person apologizes to you, it may even come with a statement that makes it sound like it was your fault in the first place.
9. They love bomb you.
It can feel great when your partner or friend throws a ton of love and affection your way. Love bombing is when they toss all that love to you and then withdraw it later. They shower you with affection for a few hours; then they start to ignore you, pick fights, or go into any other tactics on this list to bring you back off that cloud of joy.
10. They withhold affection.
Withholding affection can come after a love bombing session, but it can also come on its own as a way to manipulate you in multiple ways. They may say they’re holding back their love because of something you did, like forgetting to do the dishes. They’re trying to make you feel insecure about yourself and your relationship.
11. They try to isolate you.
One of the scariest tactics toxic people use to make their victims feel insecure is isolating them from the other people in their lives. They want you to be entirely dependent on them and not have other people point out their toxic behaviors to you. To keep you from your friends and family, they may lie, saying things like those people don’t have your best interests in mind, they’re bringing you down, or they’re not good enough for you.
12. They play mind games with you.
While all of the things on this list could be considered mind games in a way, the toxic person who wants to keep you under their control is going to do everything they can to keep you under their control. They may make up stories about you and the people in your life. They may be nice one minute, mean the next, and say it’s because of you. They hope to twist your thinking so much that you feel trapped. As Psychology Today notes, this is a form of abuse.
13. They express jealousy and possessiveness.
Trust issues are the reason people get jealous, and the toxic person in your life is using jealousy to make you feel like you can’t be trusted. They don’t want you to have friends because you might do something wrong when you’re spending time out from under their thumb. Feeling like you can’t be trusted messes with your self-esteem, and you begin to feel even more trapped.
14. They blatantly ignore your boundaries.
Toxic people don’t care about your boundaries. They may follow them for a time to win you over, but they will start to ignore them at some point so that they can begin to dissolve your confidence by making your needs and rules seem unimportant. If anyone in your life is crossing your boundaries repeatedly and refuses to listen to your requests for respect, walking away is your best option.
15. They do everything they can to sabotage your success.
The toxic person in your life doesn’t want you to be successful at anything because that would mean you don’t need them in your life. They will negate your achievements at every turn, giving you reasons you didn’t deserve the accolades. They want you to feel like a failure even if you aren’t.
