You know that friend who only calls when they need something? Plot twist—you might be that friend. Let’s dive into some uncomfortable truths about treating relationships like business deals.
1. You Use Friends as Social Currency
You collect friends, each one carefully selected for their potential value to your social portfolio. The photos you post are strategically chosen to showcase who you’re hanging out with rather than the genuine moments you’re sharing. Your social media feed looks like a carefully curated highlight reel of connections with influential people, complete with tagged locations at trendy spots. You’ve mastered the art of positioning yourself next to the most important person at any gathering, making sure you’re visible in all the right photos. The first thing people learn about your friends isn’t their personalities or your shared experiences, but rather their job titles or social status.
2. You Date Like You’re Shopping
Your dating profile reads more like a job requirements list than an introduction to who you are as a person. Every potential partner gets run through your mental checklist of acceptable careers, income brackets, and social connections before you even consider a first date. You’ve got your “types” categorized by what they can offer: the successful one for status, the attractive one for social media, and the wealthy one for lifestyle perks. When describing your ideal partner, you talk about credentials and achievements rather than personality traits or emotional connection. You’ve ended perfectly good relationships because someone’s career trajectory wasn’t steep enough for your liking.
3. You Keep Friendships in Silos
Your friends never seem to meet each other unless there’s a strategic advantage to making the introduction. You maintain careful separation between different social circles, not out of respect for boundaries, but to maintain maximum control over your social resources. Every potential connection between your friends gets evaluated like a business merger, with careful consideration of the risks and benefits to your social position. You get visibly uncomfortable when different friend groups unexpectedly overlap at social events as if you’re losing control of carefully managed assets. Your social life resembles a corporate organizational chart more than an organic network of relationships.
4. You View Kindness as Currency
Every act of kindness you perform gets mentally banked for future redemption. You’ve turned being nice into a strategic investment, carefully choosing when and to whom you show generosity based on potential returns. Your good deeds come with an unspoken expiration date for reciprocation, and you keep careful track of who hasn’t “paid you back” for past kindnesses. You find yourself frequently reminding people of the nice things you’ve done for them, especially when you need something in return. The concept of unconditional kindness feels like a business model that loses money.
5. You Monetize Every Skill
Every hobby or talent you develop immediately gets evaluated for its networking or monetization potential. You can’t learn a new skill without immediately thinking about how to turn it into a side hustle or leverage it for social gain. Your friends have learned to be careful about complimenting your abilities because it inevitably turns into a sales pitch or business opportunity. You’ve turned genuine interests into calculated investments, measuring their worth solely by their potential return on investment. The concept of doing something purely for joy or personal growth feels foreign to you.
6. You’re an Emotional Miser
Genuine emotional support from you comes with strings attached. You keep careful track of every time you’ve been there for someone, expecting the exact same level of support in return when you need it. Your version of emotional availability operates on a strict quid pro quo basis, carefully measuring out compassion like it’s a limited resource. You view vulnerability as a transaction, only sharing your own struggles when you’ve calculated the potential benefits. Your friends have noticed that your shoulder to cry on comes with terms and conditions.
7. You’re a Networking Vampire
Every social interaction gets evaluated for its networking potential before you invest your time. You’ve mastered the art of scanning a room and immediately identifying the most professionally valuable people present. Your conversations tend to mysteriously end the moment you realize someone can’t advance your career or social status. You maintain relationships with people you don’t even like simply because they might be useful someday. The concept of spending time with someone purely for enjoyment feels like a waste of valuable networking opportunities.
8. You Categorize People by Status
Your phone contacts might as well be organized by net worth or social influence. You have different response times depending on someone’s perceived value to your life. CEOs and influencers get immediate replies, while old friends from your hometown might wait weeks. You mentally rank everyone in your life based on what they can offer you, from job opportunities to social connections. Your relationships resemble a carefully curated investment portfolio more than genuine human connections.
9. You’re a Fair-Weather Friend
The moment someone in your circle faces real challenges, you mysteriously develop an extremely busy schedule. Your support system operates strictly during business hours and only for problems that don’t require too much emotional investment. You’ve perfected the art of sending the “thinking of you” text while avoiding any situation that might actually require your presence or effort. You keep relationships firmly in the shallow end of the emotional pool, diving out the moment things get too deep or complicated. Your friends know they can count on you for celebratory drinks but not for crisis support.
10. You Ghost When They Can’t Help
The moment someone stops being useful to your career, social status, or personal goals, they mysteriously fade from your contact list. You’ve mastered the art of slow-fading relationships that no longer serve your immediate needs. Your friend just got laid off? Suddenly you’re too busy to grab that coffee. That mentor who helped you climb the ladder? Now that you’ve surpassed their position, they can’t seem to reach you. Your contact list looks more like a resource directory than a collection of meaningful connections.
11. You Trade in Social Favors
Your entire social life operates on an elaborate system of favors given and owed, like a black market of social obligations. You keep mental spreadsheets of who owes you what, carefully calculating when to cash in these social debts for maximum benefit. Every favor you do comes with an unspoken expectation of future returns, and you get visibly agitated when people don’t recognize their “debt” to you. You strategically help people who might be useful later, treating kindness like an investment strategy. The concept of helping someone without expecting anything in return feels like a rookie mistake to you.
12. You Maintain Backup Friends
Like a savvy investor diversifying their portfolio, you maintain several layers of backup relationships for different needs. You’ve got your “emergency contact” friends, your “plus one” friends, and your “when everyone else is busy” friends, all carefully ranked and categorized. These relationships get minimum maintenance attention, just enough to keep them viable for when you might need them. You regularly check in with old connections not out of genuine interest, but to keep the relationship warm enough to potentially exploit later. Your contact list looks more like a resource inventory than a collection of meaningful relationships.
13. You Schedule Friends Like Meetings
provided by Shutterstock
Your social interactions are planned with the precision of a corporate calendar, complete with time blocks and specific objectives. Every coffee date or catch-up call has an agenda, even if it’s only in your head, and you get annoyed when conversations drift from your intended purpose. You find yourself mentally calculating the ROI of social gatherings, weighing whether the time investment is worth the potential benefits. Your friends have noticed that spontaneous hangouts are nearly impossible with you unless there’s a clear benefit involved. You’ve mastered the art of efficient socializing, treating friendships like business appointments that need to be optimized for maximum return.
14. You Practice Selective Empathy
Your capacity for empathy conveniently aligns with people’s usefulness to your life. You’ve developed an almost superhuman ability to deeply care about the problems of influential people while remaining remarkably unmoved by the struggles of those who can’t benefit you. Your emotional support comes with more terms and conditions than a software update agreement. You find yourself calculating the potential benefits before deciding how much sympathy to extend in any given situation. Your friends have noticed that your shoulder to cry on is mysteriously more available to those with social influence or professional connections.
15. You’re a Social Opportunity Hoarder
You treat insider information and connections like gold, carefully guarding access to opportunities that could benefit others in your circle. When friends mention their goals or dreams, you mentally catalog any relevant connections you have but conveniently “forget” to make those introductions unless there’s a clear benefit for you. You’ve mastered the art of being the connection bottleneck, positioning yourself as the essential middleman in your social network. Your friends have noticed that you’re surprisingly forgetful about making promised introductions unless there’s something in it for you. You take secret pride in being the gatekeeper of opportunities, enjoying the power that comes from controlling access to your network.
