We’ve all known people who jump into one bad marriage or long-term relationship after another.
They just never seem to learn what they’re doing wrong and make the same mistakes over and over. But some of us choose the wrong partner once and decide to never do that again. Though the lessons we learn from a marriage that didn’t work out often come from sacrifice and suffering, they lead us to greater future happiness. Your first marriage might not have been a failure, but a necessary opportunity to learn and grow. Here are some signs that your second marriage is better because of your first.
1. There are no more shouting matches.
Arguments probably plagued your first long-term relationships, often shouted and extremely hurtful. Most of the time, arguments escalate into shouting matches because one or both partners refuse to or can’t listen to the other. They’re so emotionally hurt that they become defensive, and all they want to do is make the other person understand how they feel. If you took this painful lesson to heart, now you’re intentional when discussions begin to heat up. You’ve developed techniques to keep them from escalating, and don’t feel the need to call your partner names.
2. You know how to walk away when needed.
Many young marriages suffer from the advice “don’t go to bed angry.” While the sentiment is meant to remind us to remember that we love each other even when we’re mad, it’s often used to justify arguing until things are settled. Anyone who has made this mistake repeatedly in their first marriage knows that some arguments need more than a day to be resolved. Now you make it a point to take a break from a fight so you can cool down and think through what’s been said.
3. You think before speaking these days.
Strong emotions loosen our lips, but even though what comes out might be true, we rarely say it kindly. Those of us who have suffered through repeatedly saying the wrong thing, regretting the way it hurt our partners, and having to set aside our pride to apologize are tired of the cycle. You probably have your first marriage to thank for your ability to hold your tongue and think more carefully about how you respond to your spouse when you’re angry with them.
4. You appreciate the little things.
It’s easy to take the way your partner makes coffee for you in the morning or how they always put your keys by the door (because you WILL forget them) for granted. But relationships are all in the details. When you live with a person, you won’t always be planning big surprises and buying flowers. The re-married recognize better than most that love is much smaller than we realize.
5. You take care of your needs.
Young relationships can become co-dependent effortlessly because the couple is either struggling to function as adults (if they’re young in age) or they have internalized society’s truism that they’re each other’s “better half.” Many masculine people rely on their partners for emotional support, while many feminine people rely on their partners for physical support. As a once-married person, you might refuse to get married again until you feel like a whole person who doesn’t need but wants a partner to share life with.
6. You do a bit of self-reflection after an argument.
Along with working on yourself to become a whole, independent person, a divorcee has probably taken responsibility for their role in past arguments. A lack of self-reflection just leads you into the same negative cycles with future partners. If you feel like arguments with your second spouse are much easier than with your first, you can pat yourself on the back for taking a look in the mirror.
7. You know what you do and don’t want.
One of the biggest causes of divorce is realizing that your spouse ‘wasn’t who you thought they were’ (AKA irreconcilable differences). In reality, both of you probably didn’t know what your red flags were. If you haven’t dated enough or been in more than one long-term relationship, it’s no wonder that you didn’t know you couldn’t stand living with a messy, chaotic person until you were already married. Second marriages are much more likely to succeed because you enter it with your eyes wide open, no more illusions.
8. You discuss arguments.
Many of us are afraid to bring up arguments after they’ve been resolved, for fear that our partner will think we don’t actually believe they’re resolved. However, discussing how an argument played out is one of the healthiest things you can do in a relationship. By talking through what went well and what could have gone better, the two of you’re reinforcing positive behavior patterns that will make future arguments go even smoother.
9. You’re not afraid of criticism anymore.
Fear of hurting your partner’s feelings is a huge barrier to vulnerability and intimacy. And yet, a majority of first marriages suffer from being too kind to each other. If you’ve spared your past spouse’s feelings one too many times, you might purposely seek out a future spouse who is more resilient and can handle being criticized. On the flip side, you might also be benefitting your new partner from not only taking but asking for criticism before it becomes a cruel insult hurled at you during a fight.
10. You don’t talk behind your spouse’s back.
It’s healthy to have a group of friends to vent to about your partner. But when your friends can’t understand why you’re still with your partner because all you say is negative things about them, there’s a problem — you don’t know how to talk to your partner about what’s bothering you. It might take too many fights and eventually a divorce before you’re ready to accept that it’s just better to tell your partner what you’re thinking so the two of you can figure things out together.
11. You’re willing to say you’re sorry.
As a society, we say sorry for many of the wrong things — bumping into someone in a crowded area, not anticipating which way a person walking opposite you is going, and as insufficient condolences to another person’s tragedy, to name a few. What a person getting remarried can probably tell you is that the most important sorry’s are the ones you tell your spouse honestly after an argument and when you realize you were wrong.
12. You have a thicker skin.
Sensitive people are not weak, but they’re problematic if they can’t control their strong emotions from hurting the one they love most. Developing a thicker skin involves understanding your emotions and learning how to communicate your needs during emotional outbursts. Your second partner might not even realize how easily offended you used to be.
13. You choose your battles now.
It’s hard to not get lost in the tiny, nitpicky things early on in what will become a long-term relationship. Every dirty shirt on the floor and interrupted sentence can become an argument. With age, experience, and often the end of a marriage, you learn that many things aren’t worth fighting over. When you and your second spouse laugh over a mistake that at one time could have created a fight, remember to thank your first marriage for helping you learn that lesson.
14. You work together on building a future.
New marriages are usually characterized by the purchase of a new home and the birth of children. While those milestones can feel like you’re working towards a future you both want, the reality is sometimes that you’re just checking off boxes. A shared future that benefits both partners must be built with intentionality, and if you didn’t feel that way during your first marriage, chances are you’re working towards it this time around.
15. There’s so much less stress.
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First-time marriages can suffer from over-seriousness. Couples who don’t learn to laugh, especially at themselves, will fight more often and be less happy with each other. Coming into a second marriage, realizing that we all make mistakes makes everyone more relaxed and overall happier.
