Transitioning into young adulthood is one of the most challenging things a person can do. As a parent of an adult child, you might feel like you don’t know how to help when your kid is struggling. Unlike younger children, they usually don’t need you to solve their problems for them anymore. Instead, they want help and emotional support that enables them to face their challenges head-on. Without that, they might not feel safe enough to confide in you. Here are some signs that it might be better to offer support, not solutions.
1. They’re struggling to be independent.
Difficulty with independence — also called failure to launch, per Verywell Mind — can take a lot of forms. It might look like an adult childhood who relies entirely on you financially, and can’t seem to find work. Or someone who can’t make decisions on their own. It’s natural for this to happen for the first year or two that they’re on their own. But if they continue to struggle to be independent, they likely want more support and fewer solutions from you. They need to learn how to solve their problems with support, instead of having you try to be the fixer.
2. They isolate themselves socially.
Some people are introverts, and that’s ok. Even introverts usually have a few friends. If you notice your kid is withdrawn from social life and spends a lot of time on their own, it’s a sign that they’re struggling. It might be a symptom of a mental health condition, or a struggle to make new friends. You can’t make friends for them. But you can help them navigate these challenges.
3. They develop new health issues.
Of course, there can be a lot of reasons for health issues, mental or physical, to develop. That in itself isn’t a sign that you don’t support them enough. When they are navigating these issues, though, you must provide them support. Health struggles can be very scary and overwhelming, and it will really help them to have more people on their side.
4. They keep asking you to “just listen.”
This is your adult child’s way of telling you that they don’t want solutions from you. They want someone to listen to their problems, validate their emotions, and make them feel loved. If they want advice, they will probably ask for it. And they’re usually not trying to be confrontational or discount your help. They just know it might be more beneficial if they get support from you.
5. They experience sudden personality shifts.
Again, there can be a lot of causes for sudden changes in personality or demeanor. There may be an underlying mental health condition or a major life shift. Gradual changes are to be expected, and you shouldn’t be concerned. But very sudden shifts typically mean your kid is struggling. Support and an open ear will be the best way you can help them.
6. They display a lack of motivation or goals.
This is another symptom of “failure to launch”. It is also a common sign of depression, although that isn’t always the case. Perhaps they struggle to find the will to get a job or go to classes. They don’t know what they want their future to look like, or what goals to work toward. It’s hard to support someone who doesn’t have a sense of purpose in this way, and you can’t solve it for them. But being there helps.
7. They’re struggling to keep up with school or work.
Because of a lack of motivation, feelings of overwhelm, or something else entirely. They might struggle to hold down a job because they can’t keep up with tasks. Their grades could drop. One of the best ways to support here is to try to help them figure out why they’re struggling. If they understand this, they can start to determine how to help themselves.
8. There tends to be conflict when you try to help.
Do you often get in fights when you try to provide solutions? Or do they get cold, snappy, withdrawn? Those are signs that an adult child doesn’t actually want solutions from you. They feel like their emotions aren’t being listened to because you’re jumping right to solving a problem. If you notice this conflict a lot, try to offer fewer solutions, and consider what else you can do to improve the way you provide support. This will help you avoid saying something that might accidentally hurt them.
9. They engage in unhealthy or toxic relationships.
This doesn’t just mean romantic relationships, although those are certainly important. They could hang out with friends who manipulate them or make them feel worse. They find partners or mentors who demand a lot from them with very little in return. Usually, this is an indication that someone is struggling. If you try to advise them against these relationships, they might immediately feel defensive and push back against you. But gentle support can help them learn what they need on their own.
10. You notice changes in their self-care.
Self-care doesn’t look the same to everyone. Some people work out three days a week, some not at all. But if you know your kid, you know what their self-care tends to look like. Sudden shifts in this, like shifts in personality, could be cause for concern. There’s likely something deeper going on that’s causing these changes. Listen to them and ask about what’s been happening in their life.
11. They engage in substance misuse or abuse.
This can be one of the hardest things to see someone go through. Many people rely on substances to deal with the challenges they face on a daily basis. If substance use starts to have negative effects on your adult child, it’s a sign they need someone to support them. Some of these negative effects are fatigue, increased financial challenges, rapid weight changes, and irritability.
12. They try to avoid talking to you about their problems.
Have you noticed that your kid doesn’t come to you for support as much as they used to? If you’ve mostly been offering them solutions, they might have gotten discouraged from asking you for help. You could have a talk with them where you explain that you want to provide support, not just solutions, and ask what things they might find most helpful.
13. They have irregular sleep patterns.
Staying up all night, sleeping through most of the day, taking a lot of naps, or sleeping very little are all patterns that indicate struggle. Sometimes these sleep disturbances are due to an underlying condition like sleep apnea or insomnia. In that case, they will likely want your support to navigate this challenge. But sleep issues can also be caused by stress, mental health conditions, and even one’s lifestyle.
14. They make impulsive life changes.
Did your adult child suddenly quit their job for no clear reason? Drop out of school without talking to you? Randomly end a long-term relationship? These are other signs that point to mental health struggles, substance misuse, or a general need for support. Questioning their decisions might not help because it could make them feel defensive. Instead, try to understand what they’re going through.
15. They ask you for emotional help.
Sometimes, you don’t have to look for signs and hope you’re reading them right. Your kid might just directly ask you for help. If they ask you for support and not solutions, you know to avoid solving their problems. But if you’re unsure, you can also ask, “Do you want support or problem-solving right now?” Starting a conversation with that simple question can help you both feel more heard and loved.
