Having toxic parents is complicated enough when they’re alive—but when they die? That’s a whole other emotional mess. Here’s how to tell if you’re still carrying around anger for parents who hurt you (and why that’s totally normal).
1. Their Criticism Still Lives In Your Head
So you just landed that dream promotion, but instead of celebrating, you’re hearing your mom’s voice saying “I guess that’s… fine.” Wild how their impossible standards still mess with your head, right? You catch yourself apologizing for your wins, playing them down just like they taught you to. Like, hello—you’re crushing it at life, but their old programming keeps you feeling like you’re never quite enough. And yeah, maybe they’re gone, but that inner critic they installed? Still working overtime.
2. Holidays Feel Weirdly Better Without Them
While everyone’s posting those sappy “miss you, Mom and Dad” holiday tributes, you’re sitting there with…relief? Sure, there’s some guilt mixed in, but mostly you’re just glad you don’t have to strategize how to survive another family dinner. Remember those pre-holiday anxiety headaches? The way you’d plan conversations like your life was at stake? Part of you still catches yourself bracing for drama that doesn’t need to happen anymore. Old habits die harder than toxic parents, apparently.
3. Photos Make You Want to Spill Tea
Okay, so you’re going through old albums, and boom—there they are, pulling that perfect parent act they did so well in public. And it just makes your blood boil because you know what went down the second that camera turned off. You’re sitting there like, “If these people only knew…” Half of you wants to write a tell-all about the reality behind those picture-perfect moments. Sometimes you just have to close the album because the gap between their public image and your private reality is just too much to handle.
4. Parent-Child Movies Hit Different
You know those heartwarming movies about loving parent relationships? Yeah, they make you want to throw something at the screen. You’re sitting there while everyone’s crying about the sweet mom-daughter moment, and you’re thinking “Must be nice!” Sometimes you catch yourself watching these scenes on repeat, almost like torturing yourself with the relationship you never had. Your friends don’t get why you’re rolling your eyes at another touching father-daughter dance, but come on—your dad was more likely to criticize your dancing than share a special moment.
5. Their Stuff Is Still In Purgatory
Their belongings are sitting in boxes somewhere—not because you’re sentimental, but because dealing with their stuff feels like opening Pandora’s box of trauma. Like, what do you do with those “World’s Best Mom” mugs when you know the truth? Every time you try to sort through it, you end up rage-cleaning something else instead. Sometimes you fantasize about having a giant bonfire with all of it, but then feel guilty because apparently, death is supposed to make you forgive and forget (spoiler: it doesn’t).
6. The Funeral Was…Complicated
Listening to people eulogize your parent like they were some kind of saint had you biting your tongue so hard it nearly bled. You sat there while everyone talked about what a “wonderful mother” or “devoted father” they were, knowing a whole different version of the story. Maybe you even had to give a speech yourself, doing some creative writing to find something nice to say. Now you avoid funerals altogether because they bring back that feeling of being the only one who knew the real them.
7. Your Inner Child Is Still Angry
Random things trigger memories that make your chest tight with anger—maybe it’s seeing a kid being yelled at in public, or hearing a certain phrase they used to say. You find yourself comforting your inner child more than you’d like to admit, telling that scared kid inside that they’re safe now. The urge to protect children from the treatment you endured is intense, sometimes overwhelming. Your friends might call you “overprotective” with kids, but they don’t understand you’re fighting battles they can’t see.
8. Their Death Brought Relief (And Guilt)
Let’s be real—when they died, your first feeling wasn’t sadness. Maybe it was relief, maybe it was numbness, maybe it was both. And now you’re carrying around guilt for not being “sad enough” about their death. You see other people devastated by losing their parents and wonder if something’s wrong with you for feeling… lighter? Sometimes you catch yourself waiting for the “real” grief to hit, but mostly you’re just dealing with the guilt of being glad it’s over.
9. Good Parents Trigger You
Watching your friends with their loving parents brings up a weird mix of emotions. You’re happy they have that, but it also makes you want to scream “WHY COULDN’T I HAVE THAT?” You find yourself avoiding friends’ family events because seeing healthy parent-child relationships is like salt in an open wound. You’ve even been known to get cynical about “perfect” families because yours taught you that love always comes with strings attached.
10. Their Voice Still Controls You
Even from the grave, they still influence your decisions—usually by making you do the opposite of what they would’ve wanted. You might be living your life partly out of spite, choosing things just because they would’ve hated them. That little voice in your head still says “They wouldn’t approve,” and sometimes you still care (which makes you mad at yourself). It’s like they’re still pulling strings even though they’re gone.
11. Certain Phrases Make You Flinch
There are words or sayings that immediately send you back to those dark moments—maybe it’s “I’m disappointed in you” or “Why can’t you be more like…” When you hear these phrases, even in completely different contexts, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode. Sometimes you catch yourself having physical reactions to things they used to say, even though they’ve been gone for years. Your body remembers the verbal hits even if your brain tries to forget.
12. Your Success Feels Like Revenge
Every achievement feels a little like proving them wrong. When you hit a milestone, part of you wants to say “Look who turned out fine without your support!” You sometimes catch yourself pursuing success just to spite their predictions of your failure. There’s this bittersweet feeling when good things happen—joy mixed with anger that they’ll never know how wrong they were about you.
13. Their Death Left Questions Unanswered
You’ve got a mental list of things you never got to say to them, arguments you never got to finish. Sometimes you find yourself rehearsing conversations that can never happen now. The answers you needed died with them, and that unfinished business feels like an open wound that can’t heal. Maybe you write them letters you’ll never send, or have arguments with them in your head during long drives.
14. Therapy Is Your Best Friend
You’ve probably spent more on therapy than their funeral cost—and it’s worth every penny. Working through their mess has become your part-time job. Your therapist knows more about your parents than some of your relatives do, and you’re still uncovering new layers of their impact. Sometimes you wonder if you’ll ever be “done” processing all of it, or if this is just your life now.
15. Forgiveness Feels Like a Trap
Everyone keeps telling you that forgiveness will set you free, but you’re not buying it. Why should you have to forgive someone who never apologized or changed? The whole “they did their best” line makes you want to scream because their “best” was pretty terrible. Sometimes you wonder if you’re holding yourself back by not forgiving, but mostly you’re just tired of being told how to feel about your own trauma.
