Divorce is a monumental occasion, and it deserves time and space to be processed. But what is the right amount of time to take before you consider moving on to your next relationship? The reality is that most of us have started grieving our marriages months if not years before we finally start the paperwork. While there is no magic equation to calculate the time you’ll need to “get over it,” if you’re showing any of these signs, it’s too early to start dating after your divorce.
1. You still talk about your ex incessantly.
It’s one thing to vent about your ex to your friends, that can be cathartic and part of the grieving process. There is no shame in having a hard time separating from the person who used to be part of every aspect of your daily life. But if you find yourself maintaining a running narrative about what your ex would have said about this or how your ex would have reacted to that, you haven’t moved on.
2. You need to check in with your ex all the time.
Maybe you don’t talk about your former partner often, but instead, you need to check in with them about what’s going on with your kids or to get their opinion. If you don’t want your next relationship to be a rebound, it’s time to make an effort to find another person(s) to do your daily check-ins with.
3. Your kids refuse to talk about you possibly dating again.
If you have kids of any age with your ex, their emotional and mental health is your top priority. If they burst into tears or get angry every time you talk about dating, then you should probably wait. This doesn’t mean you have to wait until your kids are completely fine with it, but communication will quickly break down if you don’t respect their feelings.
4. The holiday situation hasn’t been discussed just yet.
No matter their ages, if you have children with your ex, this topic needs to be discussed before another partner enters the picture. Many divorced families split up the holidays, but what if you and your ex equally value Thanksgiving? Save yourself the heartache and figure out the holidays as soon as possible.
5. You drive by old haunts a lot.
It’s tempting to drive by your old haunts or places your ex frequents just to check up on them. But this sort of behavior keeps you from moving forward as you continue to think about your ex daily. You’ll never be able to focus on a new relationship if you can’t let go of this habit.
6. Your ex interacts with you on social media too much.
Your former spouse might not be “stalking” you on social media per se, but if they are liking and commenting on nearly every one of your posts, it’s time to set some boundaries. Things can get rather complicated when the new person you’re dating asks why your ex commented such-and-such on your latest post about the two of you.
7. You feel guilty.
If you feel a knot of guilt in your stomach whenever you think about going on a date or flirting with a coworker, it’s time to pump the brakes and take some you-time. You can feel guilty for all sorts of reasons— you feel like you’re cheating, your ex seems to be taking the divorce harder than you, or you don’t want to upset the kids. Whatever it is, you need to understand the guilt before you decide whether to override it.
8. You cry after dates.
It’s normal to feel a lot of emotions when moving on from a marriage, and sadness is not the strangest one. But when you can’t help but cry, especially uncontrollably, after coming home from a date, your body is trying to tell you something. It’s okay to take some time to listen.
9. You compare dates to your ex.
Even though you left your spouse for good reasons, you might still find yourself comparing future potential partners to your ex. It’s not fair to hold your dates up against someone you used to know very intimately. New potential partners deserve for you to judge them in the here and now.
10. You think about your ex intimately.
Our thoughts can be our biggest betrayers and obstacles to moving on. There’s nothing wrong with having certain fantasies we rely on, but if your pleasure relies heavily on the imagery of your ex, it’s time to work on finding new fantasies.
11. You immediately befriend your ex after the breakup.
It’s no easy task to go from lovers to friends with a person you spent years, if not decades, sharing most of the intimate aspects of your life with. In general, if you want to have some sort of friendship with your former spouse, you need to have a period where you both take time to grieve and rediscover yourselves independently.
12. You haven’t completed the stages of grief.
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We generally experience them during any major ending—death, losing a job, moving away from home, or divorce. It’s an important part of the healing process, but because the stages can happen in any order, sometimes more than once, it can be hard to tell when you are finally at the acceptance stage. Be kind to yourself and prioritize self-care as you transition to a single life.
13. You have unclear boundaries.
Healthy boundary-setting is often the difference between a messy divorce and an amicable one. It can be emotionally difficult to block your ex on social media or ask that they stop texting you casually, but setting clear boundaries from the outset can save you drama later.
14. You avoid working on yourself.
Self-work is no easy task, especially when you’re mourning your marriage. While it might be cathartic to blame your ex for all the problems that led to the end of your marriage, eventually you’ll need to take a look in the mirror. If you find yourself struggling with self-reflection, ask for help from friends, family, or a therapist.
15. You’re not fully independent yet.
Though you may have identified as a fully independent person in your marriage, there is a level of codependency in most relationships. If you were particularly dependent on your partner for planning vacations, doing taxes, picking up and dropping off the kids, and/or meal planning, then it might take you a little longer to adjust to the single lifestyle. It’s important to reclaim that independence before you start dating again because you will be a more emotionally, physically, and mentally available partner.
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