We never deserve to be the brunt of passive-aggressive behavior, especially because we owe it to each other to be both honest and respectful. But when others cross those boundaries and resort to this kind of petulance, it’s important to have responses to shut it down (no matter if it stems from anger or something else entirely, according to Psychology Today). If you want to maintain your dignity and maturity, here’s what to say when someone’s passive aggression can no longer be tolerated.
1. “I won’t be spoken to this way.”
People are responsible for how they speak to others, and each of us deserves respect. It’s called being humane and treating people with basic dignity. If someone is pushing the limits and being passive-aggressive, you have the God-given right to say, “I won’t be spoken to this way.”
2. “You’re better than this.”
Whether this person is actually better than how they’re behaving doesn’t matter. The moment you say, “You’re better than this,” you force them to reckon with the potential they have to behave appropriately. This turns the conversation away from their finger-pointing and makes them face that they are the reason behind the hostility.
3 .”Now is not the time.”
Honestly, it’s never the time to be passive-aggressive. However, if someone is exhibiting this immature behavior in public, in front of children, at a wedding, funeral, etc., simply say, “Now is not the time.” Their need to settle scores isn’t worth setting a poor example to others or ruining an important event.
4. “We can circle back when you’ve cooled down.”
If they are dead set on having this conversation, you can suggest coming back to things when they’re in a place to respond in a better way. No conversation fueled by immature behavior or pent-up frustration will reap positive results—for either party.
5. “I don’t deserve to be manipulated.”
If their goal is to manipulate the circumstance (which is often why people are passive-aggressive), respectfully call them out. Feel free to pause the conversation and say, “I don’t deserve to be manipulated.” You can even follow up with, “That won’t solve anything, so we can either sit down and have a healthy adult conversation, or you need to let it go.”
6. “Pettiness will get us nowhere.”
It’s no secret that passive-aggressive behavior is petty. After all, it’s fueled by selfishness and employed to rouse another person’s anger. If that’s all their quarrel is, then throw this one at them and then walk away. You don’t have to stick around and put up with it.
7. “Is something else bothering you?”
If someone you love is acting out of character, ask if something else might be going on. Humans have an unhealthy knack for bottling up hurt or anger from one person and spewing it onto another. Consider how a loved one might be displacing their problems. Taking a few seconds to be compassionate toward those you love can save you a world of hurt.
8. “This isn’t a heaven-or-hell issue.”
Passive-aggressive behavior is typically petty because it’s centered on things that aren’t heaven-or-hell issues, AKA things that won’t matter in five minutes. Don’t allow short-term frustration to cause you to engage in a petty argument. It’s all about picking your battles, after all.
9. “You owe it to our relationship to not act this way.”
This is another response reserved for those you trust, love, or admire. If someone is acting out of character, allow empathy to have the upper hand. Put a stop to the pettiness before either of you explodes by saying this. If you value your connection with one another, this will nip things in the bud so they don’t go too far.
10. “Unnecessary tension won’t solve the problem.”
Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t always the result of a petty issue. Sometimes, there are true problems that need to be solved. However, once the passive-aggressive behavior is displayed, it presents another problem, which is the frustration you’ll feel by being on the receiving end. Point out that this is only getting your hackles up and is likely going to elevate the issue rather than solving it.
11. “What would _______ say if they saw you acting like this?”
Again, this response should be reserved for someone you are close to. If this is a sibling, ask what they think your parents would say if they saw them behaving that way. If it’s a friend, ask what your other friends would say. If it’s a spouse, ask how the kids would feel if they heard this conversation. Don’t be petty with this because it involves an innocent third party. This is a serious response that should be led with true concern and can truly make someone think through their behavior.
12. “I won’t engage in this conversation until you’re more respectful.”
Let’s say you need to have this particular conversation, but the other party is simply being passive-aggressive. A short, easy way to shut down their inappropriate behavior is to say that you’re not prepared to talk to them until they can speak to you with more respect. Then, practice what you preach. No matter what they say to stir up passive-aggressive behavior in you, walk away. Don’t engage in the conversation again until everyone is calm and mature.
13. “I owe it to myself to not tolerate this behavior.”
Even if you are accustomed to this person’s negative behavior, it’s time to recognize that you owe yourself some respect. This doesn’t mean you mimic their childish behavior. However, you have the right to tell them that you refuse to engage with someone who won’t show them basic courtesy.
14. “Do you hear your tone?”
Sometimes people don’t realize just how offensive they are behaving. If they are truly hurt or worried, they can let their emotions take over. Pause the conversation and graciously ask, “Do you hear your tone?” Chances are, if they are truly seeking reconciliation, or want to solve a problem, they’ll regroup and move forward with more respectful behavior.
15. *Silence*
If someone wants to be passive-aggressive solely to belittle you, especially as a means to elevate themselves, the best thing you can do is walk away. Don’t respond. Let your silence speak the loudest.
Here are some more ways to deal with this kind of behavior, according to the University of Iowa.
