We all want to be the best friends we can be — the kind of person our friends can turn to for encouragement, advice, and a shoulder to cry on. But sometimes, our well-meaning words can come out all wrong. We can be unintentionally dismissive, judgmental, or just plain unhelpful. With that in mind, here are some common phrases to avoid if you truly want to be a supportive friend.
1. “Just get over it.”
This one’s a major no-no. Telling someone to “get over it” minimizes their feelings and invalidates their experiences. It’s like saying their pain or struggles aren’t important. Instead, try validating their emotions and offering a listening ear. Remember, everyone processes things differently, and there’s no timeline for healing.
2. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Telling someone how they should feel is dismissive and unhelpful. It can also make them feel like their emotions are wrong or invalid. Instead, try validating their feelings, Harvard Health suggests, even if you don’t understand them. You can say things like, “I can see why you’re feeling that way” or “It’s okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated.”
3. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Unless you’ve been through the exact same experience, chances are you don’t exactly know how they feel. Everyone experiences things differently. Saying this can come across as insensitive and dismissive of their unique pain. Instead, offer empathy and understanding. Let them know you’re there to listen and lift the up, even if you haven’t walked in their shoes.
4. “It could be worse.”
Comparing someone’s struggles to other people’s can feel invalidating. Even if things could be worse, it doesn’t diminish the pain they’re currently feeling. Instead of comparing, focus on validating their emotions and being as supportive as you can. Remember, it’s not about “winning” the suffering Olympics; it’s about being there for your friend.
5. “You’re being too dramatic.”
This is another way to minimize someone’s feelings. It’s like saying their reactions are overblown or unreasonable. But everyone has different emotional responses, and what seems dramatic to you might be very real to them. Try to understand their perspective and avoid judging their way of expressing their emotions.
6. “Just be positive!”
Toxic positivity is not helpful. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. Telling someone to “just be positive” dismisses their feelings and can make them feel like they’re doing something wrong. Instead, offer genuine support and let them know it’s okay to feel down sometimes. You can offer encouragement, but don’t pressure them to be happy all the time.
7. “At least you have…” (followed by something they should be grateful for).
While gratitude is important, it’s not helpful to remind someone of all the good things in their life when they’re struggling. It can feel dismissive and like you’re minimizing their pain. Instead, acknowledge their struggles and boost their morale a bit without trying to sugarcoat things or put a positive spin on a difficult situation.
8. “You’ll get through this, you’re strong.”
While this is meant to be encouraging, it can also put pressure on someone to be strong all the time. It’s okay to not be okay. Instead of focusing on their strength, simply let them know you’re there for them and offer your backing. You can say things like, “I’m here for you” or “I’m listening.”
9. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with (insert your own problem here).”
This one can really sting. When your friend is venting about their struggles, it’s not the time to turn the spotlight on yourself and your own problems. It can make them feel like you’re not really listening or that their problems are insignificant compared to yours. Instead, focus on empathizing with their situation and letting them know you’re there for whatever they need.
10. “Have you tried (insert generic advice)?”
Sometimes, we think we’re being helpful by offering solutions, but unsolicited advice can come across as patronizing, PsychCentral warns. It’s like you’re implying they haven’t thought of that solution themselves, or that they’re not capable of figuring things out on their own. Instead, ask them what they need or offer to brainstorm solutions together.
11. “You’re overthinking it.”
Telling someone they’re overthinking can be dismissive of their concerns. Even if you think their worries are unfounded, their feelings are valid. Instead of trying to tell them how to think, focus on listening and validating their emotions. Sometimes, just feeling heard can make a big difference.
12. “I told you so.”
Resist the urge to say those three little words, even if you did predict the outcome. It’s never helpful to rub someone’s face in their mistakes, especially when they’re already feeling down. Instead, encourage them and help them find solutions. Remember, everyone messes up sometimes, and a good friend is there to help pick up the pieces, not gloat.
13. “Just relax.”
If someone’s feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, telling them to “just relax” is like telling them to “just breathe” when they’re drowning. It’s not helpful and can even make them feel more frustrated. Instead, try offering practical solutions, like suggesting a walk together or offering to help them with a task that’s stressing them out.
14. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
What might seem minor to you could be a major issue for your friend. Minimizing their problems can make them feel like you’re not taking them seriously or that their feelings aren’t valid. Instead, try to see things from their perspective and validate their emotions. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can still offer empathy and a listening ear.
15. “You’re too hard on yourself.”
While this might be true, it’s not always helpful to say it outright. It can feel like you’re dismissing their struggles or not taking their self-criticism seriously. Instead, focus on listening to their concerns and offering validation. You can also try to gently challenge their negative self-talk by pointing out their strengths or reminding them of their past successes.
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