You’ve been having an argument with your partner or friend for the last 20 minutes, and honestly? You just want to be done with the drama. All you want is to move on but beware and brace yourself: if you use any of these 15 phrases, you could be making things worse. Here are the phrases to leave out of your fighting vocab.
1. “Calm down.”
These are the two words you should never say during a fight with someone because they’re not going to make them calm down. Even if you mean well, if you can see a vein throbbing in their forehead, telling them to “calm down” will take them over the edge.
2. “Oh, stop it!”
Telling someone to stop what they’re saying isn’t a magic switch that will put an end to the fight. It just sounds condescending, like you’re above whatever they’re talking about and it doesn’t affect you. Wow, talk about dismissing their feelings.
3. “Wait, let me just say…”
You shouldn’t try to cut the other person off and interrupt them because you value what you have to say more than what they’re trying to express. It’s rude and can make someone whose patience is running out even angrier. Be respectful—let them speak and then you’ll have your chance.
4. “Okay, fine.”
Saying “fine” or “whatever” is like putting a massive roadblock in the middle of your conversation. You’re shutting down so that you don’t have to communicate anymore, but it’s hurtful to the other person. If you need a five-minute break to get your thoughts together, say that instead.
5. “You’re still going on about that?”
If it feels like the other person is rambling on about things you thought you’d already resolved, it’s disrespectful to make them feel like they’re wasting your time. Clearly, they still have to work through their feelings, so hear them out.
6. “Are you listening to yourself?”
This is basically like telling the person, “Are you crazy?” You’re expressing disbelief about what they’re saying, as though they’re totally out of left field. But, this is hurtful and it doesn’t help you to reach any sort of resolution. It just attacks them.
7. “Sorry if that hurt your feelings.”
This is a classic example of a fake apology. Instead of owning up to what you did to hurt the person, you’re brushing off their feelings. You’re also removing any responsibility you have in the situation, which comes across as rude and disrespectful.
8. “You shouldn’t feel that.”
You should never, ever tell someone how they should be feeling. Even if your emotional landscape is very different from theirs, there’s no right and wrong here. Be open to their opinions and whatever they’re dealing with. They have the right to feel whatever they do.
9. “Let’s just hug it out.”
While hugging it out can work if you’ve resolved the conflict, you shouldn’t suggest this during a heated moment. No one wants to get anywhere near the person who’s making their blood boil! Instead of wishing away the fight, focus on wanting to resolve things properly.
10. “You always/never…”
When you speak in all-or-nothing terms, you attack the person instead of focusing on the issue at hand. For example, if you say, “You never back me up!” or “You always disappoint me,” these statements escalate, instead of diffusing, the tension.
11. “You’re being way too sensitive.”
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Here’s another personal attack you want to avoid! Telling someone that they’re being too sensitive, like if they’re getting emotional when confronting you about something, is so damaging to their self-esteem. It’s like calling them a “baby.” Just don’t!
12. “Yup, you’re right.”
When you say “Yup, you’re right” just to agree with the person so you can end the argument, it comes across as emotionally immature and insincere. It’s also a conversation dead-end, which can cause everyone’s stress to increase. You might think this helps you escape the conflict, but guess what? It just makes it stick around for longer!
13. “It’s no big deal.”
You might not think the fight you’re currently in is a big deal or that’s going to trash your day. But telling the other person that it’s no biggie is basically saying that they’re overreacting or being dramatic. Way to make them feel even worse!
14. “This is like when…”
It’s always toxic to bring up previous hurts or fights, such as by saying, “This is like when you disrespected me at that party five years ago!” or “This is like the time you went behind my back.” It makes the other person think that you’re holding grudges over their head as ammunition.
15. “I’m outta here!”
Leaving in the middle of an argument will just make everything worse. It tells the other person that you don’t care about getting through the issue and finding a healthy way forward. It’s also a sign of wanting to escape instead of facing your issues head-on. Take a deep breath, and fight it out. You’ll feel better than if you run away.
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