If you’ve ever found yourself knee-deep in an argument with a narcissist, you’ll know that it’s so draining. You might feel like you’re going around in circles or hitting your head against a wall. By being aware of the common phrases narcissists use to dominate or confuse you, you’ll avoid letting them get to you. Here are 15 phrases to be aware of in the future. Don’t fall into their trap!
1. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
One of the most common ways in which a narcissist will try to win an argument is to tell you that you’re exaggerating. They might tell you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing when you confront them or express your feelings, or go so far as to call you “dramatic” or “crazy.” They do this to invalidate your feelings and attack you so you back down — and they can get away with bad behavior.
2. “I never said/did that.”
If you’re arguing with the narcissist about something they said or did to hurt you, they’ll quickly deny it. This serves two purposes: it makes them deflect the situation so they don’t have to take accountability for their bad behavior, and it makes you feel like you’re remembering the incident incorrectly. Narcissists love to gaslight you by making you doubt yourself.
3. “Everyone is against me.”
According to Psych Central, narcissists love pulling out the victim card when something doesn’t go their way. By appearing vulnerable, they can guilt-trip you into feeling bad during an argument. It also enables them to shirk responsibility. So they’ll say things like, “Everyone is against me” or “Why do people always mistreat me?” so you feel guilty for confronting them. These statements also make the narcissist feel superior because instead of being mad with them, now you’re catering to their feelings.
4. “What about what you’ve done?”
When you’re in the middle of an argument, it can totally throw you off when a narcissist suddenly turns the tables around on you by saying, “What about what you’ve done?” This is their way of regaining control of the situation and making you feel like you should take the blame for things that go wrong. They commonly do this when they know they’ve done something wrong, but they don’t want to admit it. So, they turn you into the bad guy! It’s so sneaky.
5. “You always lie.”
A narcissist works hard to seem like the perfect person, so they don’t like it when you call out their faults. If they feel attacked, they’ll lash out to protect themselves. They might do this by telling you that you’re lying. Again, this works to gaslight you into doubting yourself and your memory. If the narcissist tells you you’re lying, you might want to defend yourself, giving the narcissist what they want: a distraction from what you were fighting about.
6. “You sound so crazy.”
It’s unfair when fighting becomes toxic. Narcissists love name-calling during arguments because it gives them a sense of power and control. Calling you “crazy” is so damaging because it makes you feel isolated, not just during the fight but in the relationship in general. Or, you might feel like there’s something wrong with you. Meanwhile, the narcissist has issues they’re trying to avoid by attacking you.
7. “No one agrees with you.”
Triangulation is a common tactic used by narcissists to dominate you during an argument when they can’t control you. How it works is that they’ll mention people outside of your relationship as a way to gang up on you and make you feel isolated. So, they might say, “No one agrees with you” or “So-and-so thinks you’re delusional too.” This is hurtful and can make you doubt yourself, which is what the narcissist wants.
8. “I’m done with this conversation.”
Shutting down a conversation is a classic move a narcissist will use if they feel like they can’t win. They’ll stonewall you by leaving the room or hanging up the phone. This helps them to feel victorious while having the last word. When they give you the silent treatment, narcissists feel powerful because they know you’re desperate to get through to them. They love seeing you unsettled and craving their attention.
9. “You don’t appreciate me.”
Sometimes a narcissist will try to boost their ego during a fight because they want to preserve their flawless self-image. To achieve this, they’ll fish for compliments by telling you that you don’t appreciate them or value all that they do for you. Cue the violins! This is a sneaky manipulative tactic to gain validation from you. Narcissists are desperate for attention and admiration.
10. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I’m not sure.”
A narcissist loves to give you backhanded compliments to make you feel off-balance and emotionally dependent on their love. They might tell you that they used to think you were perfect for them, but this fight has made them second-guess themselves. This creates an atmosphere of instability and insecurity. They’re hoping you’ll try to convince them that you’re still a great match and cater to their needs.
11. “Either you agree, or we can’t move forward.”
Sometimes a narcissist will set a prerequisite to maintain control of the relationship and to force you to jump through hoops to conform to their demands. For example, during a fight they might say, “We have to agree that I’m not to blame for what happened, or we can’t move forward” or “We have to agree to let this go, or we can’t have a relationship.” They want to get what they want, while making you push your needs aside. It’s their way of controlling the narrative and achieving the most favorable outcome for themselves.
12. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
A narcissist will try to avoid saying they’re sorry because they simply don’t own up to their mistakes. The best you’ll get from them is a fake apology such as, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Ouch. They’re not actually apologizing but making you feel like you need to feel bad for your feelings! A fake apology always lacks sincerity, giving the narcissist a chance to pretend to cater to your needs while getting away with their bad behavior.
13. “Let me stop you right there.”
It’s common for a narcissist to interrupt you during an argument to exert their dominance. They don’t want you to express your feelings or thoughts, especially if they know that what you’re saying is honest and holding a mirror up to their bad behavior or negative traits. They’d rather avoid the truth, which is why they’ll try to steer the conversation onto other topics, such as blaming you.
14. “No wonder no one likes you.”
This hurtful statement is a narcissist’s attempt at lashing out at you and breaking down your self-esteem, Psychology Today warns. They want you to feel like you’re not likeable, so you doubt yourself and the other relationships in your life. Narcissists can be mean during arguments because they lack emotional regulation when they feel criticized or challenged. Hurting you helps them to externalize their negative emotions and deflect attention away from the issue at hand.
15. “You’ll regret this.”
It’s common for narcissists to make threats of retaliation if you don’t comply with their needs or wishes. They don’t want their authority to be challenged, instead expecting you to fall in line with them. By saying something like, “You’ll regret this,” they’re being malicious, playing on your feelings by making you fearful or anxious of what they’re going to do. And, of course, it makes them feel like they’re sitting pretty in the power seat.
