In a perfect world, we would all be in the exact right relationship at the exact right time. We would never fight with our partner, we would know the right time to commit, and the future would be bright. Unfortunately, we often find ourselves stuck in relationships that are going nowhere, and we’re not sure how we got here. We might be telling ourselves certain lies so we avoid a breakup, and that just makes us even sadder.
1. “We’re just going through a rough patch and it will improve.”
One of the biggest lies you can tell yourself is that if you and your partner are fighting all the time or there’s a major problem in the relationship, it’s just a blip. If you say this to yourself, you’re ignoring real problems in your relationship—you shouldn’t have to hang in there until things get better. If your relationship has made you unhappy for several months or even years, that’s enough time to know that it’s not healthy. Your partner has had a lot of time to change, and since they haven’t, you don’t need to wait for improvements.
2. “Dating sucks so I should stay.”
Deciding to stay with a toxic partner (or just someone who isn’t right for you) because you’re nervous about the miserable nature of online dating isn’t a good idea. Sure, first dates can be unpleasant and you need to meet a lot of new people before you find someone you like. However, it’s better to get out of a bad situation than to stay put because you’re afraid of what could be.
3. “We already live together so leaving would be too much effort.”
From packing to paying first and last months’ rent—let alone finding a nice place to live that doesn’t cost a fortune—it’s true that moving is a pain. But if you’re hesitating to break up with your partner because finding a new apartment or selling your house is going to be a headache, that’s not the best approach. You’ll be so much happier if you can start fresh. Securing a new home might also not be as bad as you think.
4. “Every couple goes through hard times.”
No matter what you’re experiencing, from a partner who doesn’t let you in anymore to the fact that you’ve fallen out of love, you might assume that it’s natural because other couples are going through the same thing. This is especially true if your friends complain about their relationships and you don’t have a lot of examples of couples who seem content. Sure, there are hard times, but if they outweigh the good times, you’re just making excuses.
5. “Relationships are only happy until the honeymoon phase is over.”
“The honeymoon phase” is a period when a couple is blissfully happy together and can’t think about anything or anyone else. After a few months, that euphoria ends, real life sets in, and they start to notice each other’s flaws and problems. While this is very real, it’s also a lie that happiness can’t exist past the first three months. Your feelings for someone change, sure, but they just get deeper.
6. “It will hurt them too much if I break up with them.”
You’re an empathetic person and you’re worried that your partner will be devastated if you say that you need to split up. While this is kind of you, it’s a lie that they won’t be able to handle it. Sure, they might have a tough time, but heartbreak is hard for everyone at first. You can’t control how someone else feels, but you can end the relationship compassionately.
7. “I can’t lose their family or friends.”
If you think that you can’t break up with your partner because you love their family and have become a big part of their friend group, that’s a lie that’s holding you back. You can’t keep dating someone just because their mom has become a good friend and you love their Friday pizza nights with their social circle. Whether or not you can keep some of these people in your life post-split, you’ll be able to find others who you connect with… without feeling miserable in your relationship.
8. “We’re not going on date nights and that’s why we’re unhappy.”
Love definitely doesn’t look like it does in the movies. Regular dinner dates are fun and it’s nice to feel like you’re connecting, but it’s okay if you and your partner don’t go on dates… as long as you’re both content with your situation. If you’re blaming a bad relationship on your lack of date nights, that’s a lie because it’s not getting to the true root of the problem.
9. “I need to work harder on the relationship.”
You tell yourself that your relationship is on the rocks because you don’t compliment your partner enough or cook them dinner every night. If you think you need to put in more effort, that’s definitely a lie. There are two people in a relationship, after all, and that means that you both need to look out for each other. The responsibility doesn’t all fall on you.
10. “I don’t need to do the things I like.”
When you’re in the right relationship, you make time for hobbies because your partner supports you no matter what. When you’re in a bad partnership, they either complain when you take time away from them or you’re so distraught in the relationship, you have no more energy to focus on yourself. But here’s the thing: it’s okay to admit that you want some time to yourself (and it’s healthy).
11. “It’s okay that we want different things.”
Do you want to get married and start a family while your partner is fine with how things are? You shouldn’t have to give up on your dream of parenthood just to stay in a lackluster relationship. On the other hand, if you want to remain child-free and your partner doesn’t, that’s also a problem. You have to be on the same page about big life changes.
12. “I should stay because we used to get along better.”
It’s possible to stick around longer than you should because you remember the good times you and your partner once had. It makes sense that since those memories are still fresh, you’re hanging onto them and hoping that you can get back there. Unfortunately, if things haven’t improved by now, you know deep down that it’s time to move on.
13. “It’s selfish to want to be happy in a relationship.”
You might think you should stay in this partnership because it would be self-centered to break up with them and get into a happier situation. But why can’t you? It’s okay to want to be content in life and to enjoy your time with someone. There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship and moving on to a person who’s better suited for you.
14. “There’s a reason for their bad behavior.”
It’s easy to lie to yourself and say that your partner is behaving badly for a reason. But if you say they’re being mean to you because they’re stressed out from work or dealing with family drama, you’re enabling them. No one has the right to belittle you or make you feel bad about yourself. If they’re the right person for you, they will treat you well even when life is difficult.
15. “I can’t handle the breakup conversation.”
Maybe you avoid confrontation in general or find it hard to talk about feelings. That’s normal, but if you’re staying with your partner because you’re anxious that the actual breakup talk will be brutal, that’s not a good sign. Although it might not be comfortable, it’s a lie that you won’t be able to handle it. You’re stronger than you think and you’ll be glad to be on the other side.
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