If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll know how taxing it can be. Chances are, you feel drained or are experiencing such low self-esteem that you can’t deal with their emotional manipulation anymore. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to detach from them. This doesn’t have to involve making big moves right away, but it can help you feel sane again. Here are 15 ways to loosen their hold on you.
1. Realize that they’re never going to change.
Perhaps you’ve tried to change the narcissist’s toxic traits, but nothing has worked. Stop banging your head against a concrete wall! They’re never going to change because they don’t experience any remorse for their actions. They also don’t reflect on their mistakes, so they never work on improving themselves, Psych Central points out. Understand that the charming, kind person they were at the start of your relationship doesn’t exist — it was all an act to hook you.
2. Cut off contact with them.
Although this might feel challenging, it’s important to distance yourself emotionally from a narcissist by deleting their number so you’re not bombarded with texts from them daily. This will prevent you from getting reeled back in by their promises to change or the millions of excuses they come up with to contact you. If you stay in touch with them, they’re going to insist on arguing with you to get you back, but don’t get embroiled in the fights. They’re just going to add to your stress and not lead anywhere productive.
3. Take a social media sabbatical.
You should stop using social media for a while after removing yourself from the narcissist. This is because the narcissist might use fake accounts to try to reach you, or they might ask other people to contact you on their behalf. This can make the emotional separation more challenging and stressful, which you don’t need. Narcissists who feel you moving away from them will try to monitor your actions online to see what you’re up to and who you’re with. Don’t let them!
4. Reclaim the passions you’ve put on ice.
When dating a narcissist, chances are that you were manipulated into making them the center of your world. Everything’s always about them, which can easily cause you to put your needs, passions, and hobbies on the back burner. By slowly reclaiming these interests, such as by dedicating some time to things that make you happy, you can increase your confidence and realize that you can be happy without them in your life.
5. Don’t fall for how they play the victim.
To get you back into their life, the narcissist might try to reach out by getting your sympathy. They might have a sudden “crisis” that they need your help with, which is a common ploy narcissists use to get your attention. If they see that you’re willing to help them, it gives them an ego boost and makes them think they can still control you. Even if they pitch up at your house claiming to have been kicked out of their apartment or been in an accident, don’t believe it! They’ll go to great lengths to make you feel sorry for them.
6. Don’t defend yourself against their lies.
Sometimes, a narcissist might become nasty if they feel you moving away from them. They do this to make you feel guilty or just to encourage you to communicate with them, so they reel you into conversation. No matter what they say to you, don’t engage! They might even contact you through someone else’s number to have it out with you. Whatever they say or do, ignore them. The silent treatment works best.
7. Bounce your feelings off a trusted friend.
A narcissist gets into your head and makes you feel like you’re inferior to them or your needs don’t matter. It’s easy to start believing that rubbish, which can cause you to go back to them. To prevent this situation and maintain emotional distance, reach out to a loved one for help. Choose someone who knows the story of your relationship and can remind you of your positive traits as well as why you don’t need the toxic narcissist in your life.
8. Beware of their “flying monkeys.”
Narcissists will try to reach you through mutual friends, who they also manipulate. These people are referred to as “flying monkeys.” While they might seem innocent or like they have your best interest at heart, they’re the ones narcissists use to carry out their tasks. So, it’s a good idea to be suspicious of friends or acquaintances you share with the narcissist who suddenly drop in to see how you’re doing. They could be fishing for information that they’ll send back to the narcissist.
9. Make a list of all the bad things they’ve done.
When you distance yourself from a narcissist, they might love-bomb you to try to get you back into their lives. They’ll be the most charming, wonderful, and caring person in the world. Don’t fall for it! To keep you on track with why you’re choosing to walk away from them, keep a list of the horrible things they’ve done in the past. This will remind you of who you’re dealing with and why you don’t want them in your life.
10. Create physical distance, not just emotional distance.
It’s not enough to emotionally separate yourself from the narcissist. You have to keep yourself at a physical distance so they can’t exert control over you. While this can be more challenging if you live with the narcissist, it’s essential so you can take stock of your situation and get used to the idea of being without them. Time spent with the narcissist has probably made it difficult for you to know what you feel or need, so keeping the narcissist out of sight will help you tune into your feelings and prioritize your needs.
11. Be careful when inviting new people into your life.
It can be good to get out there and met new people who will show you that there are still decent people out there. But, you have to ensure you do this slowly so you don’t jump into anything new before you process your feelings regarding the narcissist. You should also be careful when letting people into your life because they could be linked to the narcissist, who might go to great lengths to have access into your life.
12. Start saying “no” to the narcissist.
Narcissists love it when you have no boundaries because it gives them easier access into your life. To gain distance from them, you should start saying “no” to their requests. They might try to get you to do things for them that they’ve become accustomed to, like having you at their beck and call. Although they’ll get angry when you set boundaries, by sticking to them, you’ll push them away so they can’t hurt you anymore.
13. Don’t take their insults personally.
Narcissists will keep trying to put you down so that you doubt your decision to distance yourself from them. They might become angry, making you feel like you’re being unreasonable or unfair for walking away. It’s easy to let their harsh words hurt or influence you, but take a step back and realize that they’re doing this to make you crumble and do what they want. They’re showing you what’s wrong with them by projecting their insecurities and anger onto you, Simply Psychology explains. You don’t have the problem, they do!
14. Don’t share information about your life.
When you start distancing yourself from a narcissist, they’re going to try to get information about you that they can use against you or use to try to get back into your life. For example, they might see something you’ve posted on social media and ask you about it as though they actually care about you. Avoid this by being careful about what you share about yourself with others and the narcissist, if you’re still chatting to them. You should also stop sharing private information on social media, which the narcissist could access via fake accounts.
15. Get a supportive team together.
During this time, you’re going to have to find support from other people. Get a team together of people who can help you completely detach from the narcissist and reclaim your life. This team can include friends, loved ones, a therapist, and even a divorce attorney if you need one. Doing this will help you to feel less isolated and give you the courage to break away from the narcissist, making you less of a target for them.
