Parenting is hard enough, but grandparenting? That’s supposed to be the reward—a chance to shower love and wisdom on the next generation without the stress of raising them. But what happens when your adult children start getting in the way, planting seeds of negativity between you and your grandchildren? Here are 16 ways your adult children might be trying to turn your grandchildren against you—and what it can mean for your relationship.
1. Limiting Your Time with the Grandkids
Maybe it starts with excuses—“They’re too busy,” “We’ve got plans,” or “It’s not a good time.” Before you know it, weeks or months have gone by without a visit. When your adult children control access to your grandkids, they’re essentially controlling the relationship. The less time you spend together, the easier it is for them to influence how your grandkids see you. It’s frustrating and hurtful, especially if you’ve made an effort to be involved in their lives.
2. Speaking Negatively About You in Front of Them
Little ears pick up everything, even when adults think they’re not listening. If your children make snide comments about you—like criticizing your parenting style, mocking your habits, or rolling their eyes at your opinions—it plants doubt in your grandchildren’s minds. Over time, those small digs can build a picture of you that isn’t fair or accurate, making it harder for your grandkids to see you for who you really are.
3. Not Sharing Family Milestones
You find out about your grandchild’s school play, big game, or birthday party after it’s happened, and it stings. When your adult children leave you out of important moments, it sends a message to your grandkids: “Grandma and Grandpa don’t need to be part of this.” Over time, this exclusion can make you feel like a distant relative instead of a core part of the family.
4. Criticizing Your Lifestyle Choices
Whether it’s how you spend your money, your political beliefs, or even your hobbies, your adult children might make your choices seem “wrong” or out of touch in front of your grandkids. They might say things like, “Grandma doesn’t understand how the world works now,” or, “That’s just how Grandpa is.” These comments can create a divide, making you seem irrelevant or disconnected.
5. Undermining Your Authority
When you’re babysitting or spending time with your grandkids, you might enforce simple rules—no dessert before dinner, limited screen time, or bedtime at 8. But if your adult children swoop in and override those decisions with, “You don’t have to listen to Grandma,” it chips away at your authority. Over time, this teaches your grandkids that your role isn’t important or that your rules don’t matter.
6. Blaming You for Their Own Childhood Issues
It’s not uncommon for adult children to reflect on their upbringing and point fingers at their parents for what went wrong. If they share those grievances with your grandkids—saying things like, “Grandpa was always so strict” or, “Grandma never let me do anything fun”—it shifts the narrative. Instead of seeing you as the loving grandparent you are now, your grandkids start to view you through a lens of blame.
7. Withholding Information About the Grandkids
You ask how your grandkids are doing, and the answers are vague. “They’re fine,” or, “They’re busy,” without any real details. When your adult children don’t share updates about school, hobbies, or important life events, it keeps you out of the loop. This lack of communication creates distance, making it harder to connect with your grandkids on a meaningful level.
8. Comparing You to Other Grandparents
If your adult children constantly talk about how the “other” grandparents are more fun, more involved, or more generous, it creates a sense of competition. Grandkids might start to see you as the less exciting or less important grandparent, even if it’s not true. This comparison game can ruin the bond you’ve worked so hard to build.
9. Limiting Your Role in Their Lives
You want to babysit, attend their soccer games, or help out with school projects, but your offers are always brushed off. “We’ve got it covered,” or, “It’s easier this way.” When your adult children consistently limit your involvement, it sends a subtle message to your grandkids that you’re not an essential part of their support system.
10. Creating Physical or Emotional Distance
If your adult children move far away or put emotional walls up between you and the family, it makes it harder to maintain a strong connection. They might not outright discourage contact, but the physical or emotional distance naturally weakens your bond with your grandkids. Over time, it can feel like they’re slipping away, even if you’re making every effort to stay involved.
11. Restricting Communication
You call or text your grandkids, but somehow, the messages don’t seem to get through. Maybe your adult children are “too busy” to pass along your notes, or they don’t make an effort to set up FaceTime or phone calls. Over time, this lack of communication creates a wall between you and your grandkids. It’s frustrating because staying in touch could be as simple as a quick reply or a scheduled chat, but instead, you’re left feeling like your connection isn’t a priority—or worse, that it’s being intentionally blocked.
12. Overemphasizing Your Generational Differences
“Grandma’s just old-fashioned,” or, “Grandpa doesn’t get how things are done now.” While there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging generational differences, constantly bringing them up can make you seem out of touch or irrelevant to your grandkids. Instead of bridging the gap, your adult children might unintentionally (or intentionally) widen it, making you seem like someone who can’t relate to their world.
13. Excluding You From Family Traditions
Traditions are often where the deepest bonds are formed, so when your adult children exclude you from holidays, birthdays, or other special moments, it’s incredibly hurtful. Maybe they claim it’s easier to keep things small or blame logistical challenges, but the message to your grandkids is clear: you’re not part of the inner circle. Over time, being left out of these meaningful events can create a sense of distance, making it harder for your grandkids to see you as someone central to their lives.
14. Discouraging Affection Between You and Your Grandkids
It’s one thing to set boundaries around parenting styles, but if your adult children actively discourage hugs, kisses, or other displays of affection, it can feel like they’re trying to police the relationship. “Don’t hug too tightly,” or, “We’re not doing kisses anymore,” might seem like small rules, but they can create an emotional barrier. Physical affection is often a key part of bonding, and when it’s restricted, it can leave you feeling disconnected and unsure of how to show your love.
