Whether it’s from years of small hurts piling up or one big betrayal, resentment can poison a marriage faster than your mother-in-law’s questionable casserole. But here’s the good news: there are ways to work through it if you’re both willing to roll up your sleeves and do the work.
1. Talk Instead of Passive-Aggressively Sighing
Those heavy sighs and eye rolls might feel satisfying in the moment, but they’re about as effective at solving problems as a frustrated toddler. It’s time to use your words—yes, actual words, not just dramatic huffing and meaningful glances. Set aside specific time to talk when you’re both calm and the kids aren’t staging World War III in the background. Share your feelings using “I” statements instead of pointing fingers like an angry traffic cop.
2. Start Fresh Instead of Recycling Old Fights
You know those arguments that keep coming back like bad reality TV shows? The ones about the dishes, the in-laws, or that time in 2018 when they forgot to pick up the dog from the vet? It’s time to stop hitting replay on these greatest hits of hurt. Instead of dragging up every related offense from the past decade, focus on the current issue like it’s a fresh episode. Yesterday’s fight doesn’t need a reboot.
3. Own Your Part in the Mess
This one’s about as fun as a root canal, but it’s necessary. Even if you feel like your spouse is 99% wrong, chances are you’ve contributed something to the situation. Maybe you’ve been avoiding conflict, letting things fester, or playing the martyr role like you’re auditioning for an Oscar. Take a good honest look at your part in the dance, even if it makes you squirm more than a long car ride in tight pants.
4. Learn to Forgive (But Don’t Force It)
Forgiveness isn’t like instant coffee—you can’t just add water and stir. It’s more like making wine; it takes time and the right conditions. Start by acknowledging that forgiveness is a process, not a switch you can flip. Some days you’ll feel more forgiving than others, and that’s okay. The goal is progress, not perfection, and definitely not pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t.
5. Practice Radical Empathy (Even When You Don’t Want To)
This one’s harder than trying to fold a fitted sheet, but it’s worth it. Try to really understand your partner’s perspective, even when every fiber of your being wants to scream “But you’re wrong!” Maybe their annoying behavior comes from their own hurts or fears. Maybe they load the dishwasher like a chaos demon because that’s how they grew up doing it. Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing—it just means seeing them as human instead of the enemy.
6. Get Professional Help Without the Shame
There’s this weird idea that going to marriage counseling means you’ve failed, which makes about as much sense as thinking going to the gym means you’ve failed at being fit. A good therapist is like a personal trainer for your relationship—they can spot patterns you’re too close to see and give you tools to work through them. Plus, having a neutral third party means you can’t both claim you’re right just because your best friend agrees with you.
7. Create New Positive Experiences Together
Right now, your marriage might feel like it has more negative memories than a bad Yelp review page. It’s time to start creating some good ones to balance things out. Find activities you both enjoy that have nothing to do with your problems. Try something new together, even if it’s just a cooking class or a weird hobby. Building new, positive experiences is like making deposits in your emotional bank account.
8. Set Boundaries That Don’t Look Like Prison Walls
Healthy boundaries are necessary, but they shouldn’t make your marriage feel like a maximum-security facility. Work together to establish rules and expectations that protect both of you without suffocating the relationship. Maybe you need alone time after work to decompress, or perhaps you want a heads-up before the in-laws visit. The key is making these boundaries feel like safety nets, not electric fences.
9. Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
Your spouse might be annoying as heck, but they’re not in charge of your happiness. That’s your job, and it’s a full-time position with no vacation days. Start doing things that make you happy independently of your marriage. Take that class you’ve been thinking about, join that book club, or finally learn to juggle (metaphorically—you’re already juggling enough in life).
10. Challenge Your Own Narrative
We all tell ourselves stories about our marriages, and sometimes these stories aren’t that accurate. Maybe you’ve cast yourself as the eternal victim or your spouse as the villain in every scene. It’s time to question these stories like a detective with a cold case. Are you really always the reasonable one? Is your spouse really trying to make your life difficult, or are they just human?
11. Practice Gratitude (Without Being Fake)
This isn’t about plastering on a smile and pretending everything’s sunshine and rainbows. It’s about actively looking for the good stuff, even when resentment is trying to hog the spotlight. Maybe your spouse is terrible at remembering birthdays but great in a crisis. Maybe they can’t fold laundry to save their life but they make you laugh until you snort. Start noticing these things and actually mention them out loud.
12. Get Clear About What You Really Want
Sometimes we’re so busy being resentful that we forget what we’re actually after. Do you want your spouse to change completely (good luck with that), or do you just want them to text when they’re running late? Get specific about what would actually make things better, rather than just stewing in a general soup of dissatisfaction. It’s like giving them a map instead of expecting them to read your mind.
13. Learn to Fight Fair (And Actually Listen)
Fighting fair doesn’t mean nobody wins—it means both of you survive with your dignity intact. No hitting below the belt, no bringing up that embarrassing thing from your honeymoon, and definitely no involving the in-laws. Learn to listen like you’re trying to understand, not just waiting for your turn to talk. And remember, sometimes winning the argument means losing the peace.
14. Address Issues While They’re Small
Don’t let little irritations grow into massive resentments. It’s like dealing with a garden—pull the weeds while they’re small instead of waiting until they’ve taken over the whole yard. If something’s bothering you, bring it up respectfully before it festers into a major issue. A small uncomfortable conversation now is better than an explosion later.
