Sometimes in life, we reach a point where we need to cut someone out completely. It’s not an easy decision, but it can be necessary for our well-being. Whether it’s a toxic friend, a manipulative ex, or a family member who brings nothing but stress, here are some practical tips to help you make that break permanent.
1. Be 100% sure of your decision
Before you take the plunge, take time to reflect on the reasons you want to cut ties. Are they valid? Have you tried other solutions? Is this truly the best course of action? Consider journaling your thoughts or discussing them with a trusted friend or therapist. Evaluate the pros and cons of maintaining the relationship versus cutting ties. Only proceed if you’re 100% sure this is the right move for you.
2. Be firm in your boundaries
Define what “cutting ties” means to you. Is it no contact whatsoever? Limited contact in specific situations? Be clear and specific. This isn’t just for the other person, it’s for you too. Having clear boundaries will help you stick to your decision when things get tough. You should also consider all possible scenarios: What if you run into them at a social event? What if a mutual friend tries to mediate? Having predetermined responses to these situations will help you maintain your resolve.
3. Speak to them clearly about your decision
If it’s safe and appropriate, clearly communicate your decision to the person. Be firm, direct, and unemotional. Explain your reasons if you feel it’s necessary, but don’t get drawn into an argument. Remember, you’re informing them of your decision, not asking for permission. Whether it’s a face-to-face conversation, a phone call, or a written message, be prepared for potential backlash or attempts to change your mind—stay calm and reiterate your decision if needed
4. Block them everywhere
Block them on every platform you’re on. This prevents them from contacting you and, equally importantly, stops you from being tempted to check up on them. Don’t forget about less obvious platforms like Spotify or Goodreads. Consider changing your privacy settings to make your profiles more secure. Be prepared for the possibility that they might try to contact you through fake accounts or mutual friends’ profiles.
5. Delete their number from your phone
And remove their email from your contacts. The less access you have to them, the easier it will be to maintain the separation. Go through your phone, email, and any other communication apps thoroughly. Don’t forget about old chat logs or message threads. If you’re worried about needing their contact info in the future for some reason, write it down and give it to a trusted friend to keep for you.
6. Get a support system together
Cutting ties can be emotionally draining. Line up friends or family members who can support you through this process. Let them know what you’re doing and why, so they can offer appropriate support. Create a list of people you can call or activities you can do when you’re feeling vulnerable and tempted to reconnect.
7. Create a “no contact” plan
Develop a concrete plan for what you’ll do if the person tries to contact you. Will you ignore the contact? Have a standard response prepared? Knowing this in advance will help you avoid getting caught off guard. Consider setting up email filters to automatically delete or archive messages from this person. If you’re worried about in-person confrontations, plan escape routes from places you might run into them.
8. Develop new routines
Develop new habits and routines that don’t remind you of them. This might mean finding a new coffee shop, gym, or route to work. Explore new hobbies or activities you’ve always wanted to try. This is about reclaiming your time and space in a way that’s uniquely yours. Use this as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.
9. Process your emotions
Cutting ties, even when necessary, can bring up a range of emotions, allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Consider keeping a journal to track your feelings and progress. Engage in activities that help you process emotions, like art, music, or physical exercise. Remember, healing isn’t linear. You might have good days and bad days. Be patient.
10. Reframe your narrative
The stories we tell ourselves about our experiences shape our reality. Instead of focusing on loss or failure, try to see cutting ties as a step towards growth and self-respect. Write out your story, focusing on your strength in making this difficult decision and the positive changes you anticipate. This doesn’t mean denying any pain or difficulty but putting it in a context of personal growth and necessary change.
11. Make a plan for the future
What do you want your life to look like now that this person is no longer in it? Set both short-term and long-term goals for yourself. These could be personal, professional, or relationship-oriented. Having a clear vision of what you’re moving towards can help prevent you from looking back. Create a vision board or a detailed plan of action to make these goals feel more concrete. Celebrate small victories as you work towards these objectives.
12. Create a mantra or affirmation
Develop a personal mantra or affirmation that reinforces your decision to cut ties. This could be something like “I choose peace over chaos” or “My well-being is my priority.” Repeat this to yourself when you’re feeling weak or doubting your decision. Write it down and place it somewhere you’ll see it often. This constant reminder can help strengthen your resolve and keep you focused on why you made this decision in the first place.
13. Get professional help if needed
If you’re finding it particularly difficult to cut ties or stick to your decision, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide strategies for coping with the emotional fallout and help you work through any underlying issues that made the relationship problematic in the first place. They can also help you develop healthier relationship patterns for the future.
14. Establish a new identity
Often, our identities become intertwined with significant relationships. Take this opportunity to redefine who you are without this person. Explore new aspects of your personality, revisit old interests you might have neglected, or develop new ones. This might involve changing your style, trying out a new hobby, or even considering a career change. The goal is to create a strong sense of self that’s independent of the relationship you’re leaving behind.
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