As parents, we pour our hearts and souls into raising our children, hoping to instill good values and set them up for happy, successful lives. But sometimes, even when we’ve done our best, our adult children make choices or behave in ways that leave us feeling deeply ashamed or embarrassed. If you’re struggling with a sense of shame over your grown child’s actions, know that you’re not alone. Here are some common things adult children do that can trigger feelings of shame in their parents.
1. Struggling with Addiction
It’s heartbreaking to watch your adult child struggle with addiction, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other compulsive behavior. As a parent, you may feel a sense of personal failure, wondering where you went wrong in your child-rearing. You may also feel ashamed of your child’s behavior and worry about how it reflects on you and your family. It’s important to remember that addiction is a complex disease, not a moral failing. Your child needs your support and compassion, not your shame.
2. Failing to Launch into Adulthood
In today’s challenging economic climate, many young adults are struggling to achieve traditional milestones like moving out on their own, finding steady employment, or building stable relationships. If your adult child seems “stuck” in a state of prolonged adolescence, you may feel embarrassed when comparing them to other young adults who seem to have it all together. However, this delayed launch into adulthood is an increasingly common phenomenon. Your child may need extra support and understanding as they navigate this difficult life stage.
3. Making Poor Relationship Choices
It’s painful to see your adult child caught in a cycle of toxic relationships, whether it’s with romantic partners, friends, or even in their relationship with you. You may feel ashamed of their inability to set healthy boundaries or make good choices in their interpersonal lives. You might blame yourself for not modeling better relationship skills. However, your adult child is ultimately responsible for their own decisions. The best you can do is offer your wisdom and emotional support as they learn and grow.
4. Experiencing Mental Health Issues
Mental illness is still heavily stigmatized in our society, so it’s understandable if you feel a sense of shame when your adult child struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or another psychiatric condition. You may worry that others will judge you or your child, or that their mental health challenges are somehow a reflection of your parenting. In reality, mental illness can affect anyone, regardless of their upbringing. Your child needs your unconditional love and support, not your embarrassment.
5. Engaging in Criminal Activity
Whether it’s a DUI, theft, assault, or another illegal act, having a child who has broken the law can make you feel like a failure as a parent. You may worry about your family’s reputation and struggle with conflicting feelings of love and anger toward your child. Remember, your child’s actions don’t define your worth as a parent. With counseling and a strong support system, it’s possible to work through these painful feelings.
6. Cutting Off Contact with You
The ultimate shame trigger for a parent is when an adult child cuts off contact entirely. Estrangement is more common than many people realize, but that doesn’t lessen the intense feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation that come with it. If your child has chosen to sever ties, you may be grappling with a lot of unanswered questions and “what-ifs.” It’s important to seek support from people who understand what you’re going through and to work on your own emotional healing, whether or not reconciliation with your child is possible.
7. Embracing a Different Lifestyle
We all want our children to share our values and live lives that align with our beliefs. So when an adult child makes choices that contradict your worldview—whether it’s regarding religion, sexuality, politics, or lifestyle—it can trigger deep feelings of shame and disappointment. You may feel like you failed to instill your values or that your child’s choices are a personal rejection. In reality, part of parenting is learning to let go and allow your children to follow their own path, even if it looks different from what you envisioned.
8. Neglecting Family Responsibilities
As parents age, they often look to their adult children for support and connection. If your grown child neglects their familial duties— failing to visit, call, or help out when needed—you may feel ashamed of their apparent lack of care and respect. This can be especially painful if you have friends whose children are actively involved in their lives. Try to remember that your child’s busy life or emotional struggles may be preventing them from being the attentive son or daughter you long for. Honest communication about your needs and expectations is key.
9. Disrespecting You or Crossing Boundaries
Even in adulthood, blatant disrespect from your child can push your shame buttons like nothing else. If your grown child speaks to you rudely, ignores your boundaries, or belittles you in front of others, it’s natural to feel embarrassed and deeply hurt. You may wonder where you went wrong in teaching them to respect their elders. Sometimes, this disrespectful behavior is a sign that your child is struggling with their own unresolved issues. Setting firm boundaries and fostering mutual respect is crucial for a healthy parent-child dynamic.
10. Mismanaging Money and Relying on You
Financial instability is a common issue for many young adults today, but it can still be embarrassing for parents when their grown children can’t seem to get a handle on their finances. If your child is constantly asking for money, failing to pay their bills, or racking up debt, you might feel ashamed of their lack of responsibility and worry that others will see it as a reflection of your parenting. It’s a tricky balance between offering support and enabling dependent behavior. Setting clear expectations and boundaries around financial help is essential.
11. Raising Your Grandchildren Differently
Grandparenting can be one of life’s greatest joys, but it can also be a source of shame and conflict if you disagree with your adult child’s parenting style. If your child seems to be overly permissive, too strict, or is raising your grandchildren with values that diverge from your own, you may feel embarrassed and worry that they’re “undoing” the job you did as a parent. It’s important to respect your adult child’s role as the parent and find tactful ways to share your wisdom without overstepping boundaries or criticizing their approach.
12. Oversharing on Social Media
In the age of social media, many parents find themselves cringing at what their adult children choose to share online. Whether it’s overly personal disclosures, controversial opinions, or unflattering photos, you may feel mortified by your child’s digital footprint and worry that it reflects badly on your family. However, it’s important to remember that your child’s online persona is ultimately their responsibility. Unless their posts are truly harmful or dangerous, try to take a step back and let them navigate the world of social media on their own terms.
13. Choosing an Unconventional Career Path
We all want our children to find fulfilling careers that provide stability and financial security. So when your adult child pursues an unconventional path—whether it’s as a struggling artist, an entrepreneur in a risky startup, or in a field you find unsavory—it can trigger feelings of shame and concern. You may worry that others will judge your child (and your parenting) for their non-traditional career choice. However, your child’s passions and talents may lead them down a different road than you expected. As long as they’re not engaging in anything illegal or harmful, try to support their brave pursuit of an authentic life.
